The Relationship between Narcissism and Codependency

I have been seeing lots of posts on Facebook about people giving in to others who take advantage of them. Examples are loaning money that is not returned, doing favors for others that are not in the end, helpful, continuing toxic relationships because of guilt about being "cold hearted".

There is a dance in codependency that involves the intimate relationship between codependents and narcissistic types. To better understand codependency let me share my favorite codependent joke.

Two codependents have sex. In the afterglow one says to the other, "well it was good for you, how was it for me"?

Codependents lack a healthy relationship with self. They are prone to put others first before their own needs. This is unhealthy.

Narcissists also have an unhealthy relationship with self. They put themselves above all else. They use others toward their own ends and exploit relationships without feelings of guilt or remorse. They push blame off on others and are unable to see their own part in wrong doing.

It is easy to see how codependents and narcissists get hooked up. It is like two pieces of the puzzle coming together. One is the easy mark for the other. But there is a deeper connection.

It is found that there are familial links to this interaction. If you have one parent who is narcissistic you are likely to become either codependent or narcissistic yourself. If you have two narcissistic parents the same holds true.

Once a person begins to recover from codependency, they are able to begin setting boundaries and standing up to the narcissist. It is very difficult for all humans to conceive of someone who is totally bereft of the ability to empathize and learn from previous mistakes. The primary mistake the codependent makes is to give the benefit of the doubt to the narcissistic partner because it is so hard to fathom someone could be so selfish and unyielding. Thus the dynamic begins.

The good news for the codependent is that there is hope for recovery once they fully understand that the narcissist lacks that ability of compassion, which defines us as humans. Since codependents are quick to blame themselves for problems they are able to work well with a therapist to make changes. Not so for the narcissist. They are stuck in their own world of non blame and hence are pathological unable to change. How can one change if they are unable to see that there is anything wrong with them?

I highly recommend Codependents Anonymous for those who are attempting to free themselves for relationships that are toxic and abusive. It is a program full of specific guidelines for recovery from this type of harmful relationship. Go to http://www.coda.org/ for a plethora of information on the topic.

As far as help for the narcissist...hmmmm, well the best thing is to shake the dust off your feet and steer clear so they don't get a chance to use you. The only hope for the narcissist is that they develop addiction and can seek help for that where they might learn a different way to relate to the world. Alcoholics Anonymous is currently the best treatment modality for the narcissistic type...but chances for recovery are slim.

I welcome your comments…

Be well.

The Criminalization of Therapy

The “Criminalization” of Therapy

The first time I noticed this was when I was doing domestic violence work in the county jail.  My associates began to act like jailers and  enforcers in the jail environment.  After the session I gently reminded my associates that we were working with hurt people and attempting to help them better understand themselves.  They immediately understood.

Whenever a helping professional receives referrals from the criminal justice system, this tendency needs to be scrupulously avoided.  Often the counselor sees these people with disdain and judgement that leaks into their treatment of their clients.  

It is our unconscious or mindless tendencies that lead us to fall prey to these paradigms of enforcement.  I think there is a deep fear of enabling the client so the opposite is the type of tough love that is totally counterproductive to the health of the client.  There is a gentle and direct way to confront clients on their maladaptive behaviors and attitudes.  

It says in the Big Book of AA that “we avoid retaliation or argument…we wouldn’t treat sick people that way.  In Buddhism we see all humans as the Buddha or as an enlightened being.  The reason they behave badly is that they suffer from obstacles and obscurations which cloud their ability to see clearly and to treat themselves with compassion and honor.  Think of a pristine window that has had mud and grease smeared all over it .  The window, underneath the mud is still pristine.  Our job as helping professionals is to assist our clients to clear away the obstacles and obscurations.  If we act like jailers, we are essentially flinging more mud onto our clients pristine Buddha nature.

This is just wrong.

Until next time….Be Well

WHAT IS A RECOVERY COACH

Relapse is the primary issue associated with recovery from any addiction or compulsive behavior.  Support is the primary antidote to relapse.  One of the reasons that 12 step programs help reduce relapse is that they are a support group where one can hang out and “work the program”.  I love 12 step programs and found my own recovery from many issues in the rooms.  But 12 steps is not for everyone.  

Some feel uncomfortable with the “spiritual” aspects of the programs.  These concerns are easily solved by substitution of concepts but even with this method many are put off and feel that they are being coerced into religion.   

Others and the vast majority of those I work with are uncomfortable with the group per se.  Many have social anxiety and are afraid they will be force speak in public.  Some are concerned about being found out by members of the community which can be pretty terrifying.  Some are just not joiners.  They prefer being alone and working with someone on a one on one basis.  

I provide that support.  Even though I love the 12 steps and the recovery I have been blessed with, I understand the above concerns.  I love to work with recovering addicts of all types including food and behavior.  Codependency is at the base of most addictions.  I started with a friend the first CODA meeting in the rural area where I lived for 20 years.  Codependents often need the support of someone with that recovery and may uncover other powerful addictions at work in their lives.  

If there are deeper issues at work that are beyond my scope I refer to other professionals who are capable of dealing with those issues, such as depression, bi-polar, ADHD, OCD that so many of us in recovery have to deal with.  

My approach is spiritual, particularly as a practicing Vajrayana Buddhist.  Atheists and Agnostics and most Christians and other Religion are usually comfortable with this approach because it is philosophical and very practical rather than dogmatic and pointed in the necessity of believing in God.  Many of tenets of Buddhism are direct treatments for dealing with many of the issues that co-exist with addiction recovery.  Those tenets are mindfulness, compassion, and a deeper understanding of karma and impermanence.  

Recovery Coaching is for those who fall through the cracks of more traditional therapy and Drug and Alcohol Counseling.  There is no stigma associated with coaching except for being too new agey or focused on success thru motivational prompting.  I don’t associate myself with those approaches.  I do associate myself with teaching methods that promote happiness and compassion for self and others.  It is impossible to be happy and grateful and in relapse simultaneously.  So until my next blog entry….

Be Well,  

Lovingly, Michele

What is a Health/Recovery Coach

After 27 years as an addiction counselor and practicing Tibetan Buddhist I am shifting my focus to life and health coaching using basic Buddhist principles to promote happiness.  My focus is loosening the grip on attachments and aversion which lead to issues with, food, substances, and unhealthy relationships with others and self.  I directed one of the first eating disorder units and have expertise in all types of food attachments.  I love working with family members who struggle with detachment of a loved one with compulsive attachment to substance or behavior.  I work with a variety of MD’s who can evaluate the occasional need for medications to help on the path of developing a happy healthy life style.  

Many people have a desire to attain health by being sober from chemicals and by being moderate with food and relationship choices.  I have worked with many clients who had a strong desire to loosen the grip on their attachments but were uncomfortable with 12 step groups.  Many don’t feel comfortable in group settings, some have issues with the spiritual component.  I can coach you on an individual basis once you find your recovery to keep your recovery and promote your health through balance between body, spirit and mind.  The Buddhist principles that I use are very basic and are embraced by those who are non religious, Christians and all other Religious affiliations.  

Relationship health is also very integral to our personal health.  Relationship affords us the opportunity to learn more about who we are as people and it tends to bring our character challenges in to very clear focus.  Codependency as Pia Melody defines it is a lack of healthy relationship with self.  We can utilize the the problems we have in our relationships to learn how to be healthy in our relationship with ourselves and others.  Setting boundaries mutually, communicating directly with compassion and negotiating with each other are skills I coach.    

Shifting my focus

After 27 years as an addiction counselor and 10 years as a practicing Buddhist I have retired my license and shifting my focus to recovery coaching and mindfulness counseling using Buddhist principles to promote happiness. I help with loosening the grip on attachments and aversion which lead to issues with food, substances, and unhealthy relationships with others and self. I directed one of the first eating disorder units in the country and have expertise in food attachments. I love working with family members who struggle with relationship with a loved one with compulsive attachment to substance or behavior.

If you are in recovery and having difficulty with life on life's terms but don't feel comfortable in group settings I can serve as a recovery coach to help you through issues that can cause relapse. I work with MD's if additional help is needed for issues that benefit from medical intervention.

I have been in recovery for 34 years from food, substance and codependency. The Buddhist principles I use are very basic and compliment Christian thought as well. Additionally I use the medifast program as part of my own food plan. If you desire l addiction counseling I am happy to refer to competent counselors.

where to find my book

If you are looking for my book Shadow Story/Enlightened Truth just go to Amazon Kindle...

Tara Meditation

Tara Meditation

Sundays at 5:00

Reno Buddhist Center
This is an English version of the original concise practice.  It involves text reading in English, mantra, silent meditation and some chanting.  Tara is the diety which is a manifester and magnetizer.  Join us downstairs for the practice hosted by Steve Flack.