LEARNING TO SET BOUNDARIES…It’s a process

Michele Happe MA

Much of my work with clients involves teaching how to set boundaries with others.  This is a very difficult thing to learn and a difficult thing to teach as it requires a lot of patience on the part of the coach  as well as the learner.

People without good boundaries are susceptible to being abused and taken advantage of by others.  Conversely, abusers typically have none or very poor boundaries which enable them to take liberties with others that can be very damaging and hurtful.  

WHAT IS A BOUNDARY

A boundary is a limit which defines not only our personal space but also defines what is acceptable as well as unacceptable behavior and speech from others.  Abusers without boundaries really dislike having boundaries set for them.  And take note, setting a boundary with an abuser is often a fools errand as they, in there desire for control, will ignore the boundary and often strike back in anger with phrases such as “you are being controlling”, “you are crazy” or my favorite that I heard from my x often, “you are an authoritarian”(my response was always, “No, I am authoritative”.  The best thing to do with this type is to make them an x whether friend, spouse, boss, or family member because they don’t respond or respect boundaries of any kind. 

THE PROCESS

Once a person has learned about boundaries it is time to test it out on others.  This is extremely difficult at first and is usually done with anger which renders the learner the abuser for a period of time.  It is like an explosive going off rather that a gentle request.  

Another early development once we start setting boundaries we lose many of the people in our circle who feel that they are losing control and exit to find another victim without boundaries. 

In time and with practice boundary setting becomes easier and more gentle.  Much of this is because we have at this point eliminated all of the abusers and we notice that when we set a boundary with a kind healthy person with good boundaries, it is met with acknowledgment and respect.  At times boundaries cannot be met by others so we must choose to either accept or move on.  

THE SOONER THE BETTER

When establishing new relationships it is important to communicate in an authentic way who you are and what your boundaries are.  For example this same X, when we initially started dating, was in the market for a motorcycle.  I had a brother who was killed on a motorcycle and hated the things.  I let him know how I felt and that if it was important to him I respected that but I would move on….he chose not to purchase one but began storing up his first resentment toward me which led to many resentments and many years of passive aggressive abuse which culminated in divorce.  I married a person who was a boundary buster and a people pleaser…so  it took quite some time for me to see clearly what was going on.  These days if I receive abuse, I am out.  This includes clients that I work with.  It may seem harsh but once an abuser generally always an abuser.  

There is a saying in AA.  “As we trudge the road of happy destiny”.  Learning and implementing healthy boundaries is truly a trudge but ultimately will lead to a more peaceful and happy life with self and others..

Be well, 

Michele