Blaming Out: The Blamer is the One to Lose

Michele Happe MA
October 28, 2014

Have you ever been blamed for another’s short fall? This is a very frustrating thing to experience.

Here is a scenario: “Did you do that task you said you would do last night? “

Answer: “Well you said it wasn’t that important!”

The appropriate response would be, “No I forgot, sorry”…end of story.

When this happens a short conversation can be lengthened into a long, mean spirited argument. The ego does not like to be blamed for what it is not responsible for so we tend to defend against the “attack”….

But what about the blamer? What does he lose?

The need to blame out comes from a place of shame. Often those who make frequent errors of memory who feel the need to be right will do this. Unfortunately, this tendency robs the blamer of the necessary human quality of remorse. If he blames out he can be “right”.

Remorse gives us an opportunity to take responsibility for our actions. It enables us to hone our skills and to do better in the future. As long as it does not morph into self blaming, it is a healthy way of becoming more enlightened over time.

Perfectionism is most likely the culprit here or at least a sense that it is very very bad to be wrong. Unfortunately perfectionism leads to procrastination and eventually paralysis. If we are in this squirrel cage we are forever stuck in the dynamic of defense. We can never become empowered by our mistakes which are the source of our further development.

Blamers also pretend that nothing ever happened in an effort to cover up their lack of rightness. They want the focus off of them so they divert in a nice way so as to end being seen.

It really is so sad isn’t it? When this happens to you try to connect to the sadness rather than developing resentment toward the blamer. It is very challenging but in the end your heart will be warm rather than cold toward the person who uses this tactic.

Until next time: Be well

Why Some Women Withhold Sex

Michele Happe MA

October 15, 2014

I believe that many men think that women withhold sex as a form of punishment and power over.  This is a passive aggressive technique.  I am sure that some women do this with that goal in mind, but it is important to consider an alternate motive.

I learned about this from my own experience with menopause.  It was as if upon entering menopause a switch had been turned off.  That switch activated desire.  It wasn’t that I did not enjoy sex because I did I just lost the motivation to pursue it for myself.  This of course changed my relationship with my husband.  I believe that this has been a very positive change for both of us.

I contemplated these changes as they were occurring and shared the fruits of my contemplation with my husband.  I came to the conclusion that in order to be willing to engage sexually with my partner, I needed to feel love and respect for him.  I shared with him that it wasn’t that I was withholding, it was just that I was honoring myself and my desire to be left alone when I had irritation or resentment toward him.  I felt much more authentic when I engaged with him because I felt loving and positive toward him.  When he came to understand and believe me he was motivated to be the person that I loved and desired.  He made more attempts to take responsibility for his part in our conflicts.  Just that fact caused me to love and respect him more.  As a result he started getting a lot more intimacy.   

We are both Buddhist so I always make an attempt to come from a place of compassion when we communicate (although I fail on a regular basis).  He has this same philosophy.  So now we are communicating in a much more constructive and rewarding basis.  I think he is beginning to see that I am not just another bitchy woman who wants to be in control.  

I learned a while back that women are the receivers.  We take a mans energy literally inside of us so we need to be very careful what we let in…because we absorb all that energy into us.  This in my early years helped me to be a bit more discriminating in my choices even though I have made plenty of bad one…I reaped the karma of all of those bad choices as well.  

I enjoy being generous with him and he enjoys me wanting to be close to him.  This is what we both call “old peoples sex”  I am 64 and he is 60.  We have a sense of humor about our intimate times and have lots of fun because we both feel more open and receptive.  

Take note that getting older is just another stage of our development on all levels.  We do become wiser and less motivated by greed and selfishness.  We do become more authentic and less worried about what others think.  

This is just another reason I love menopause

Until next time, 

Be Well

WHY I LOVE MENOPAUSE

Michele Happe MA Certified Health Coach

September 19, 2014

I was a late bloomer.  Menopause started for me at 60.  It was a long hard slog up to that point.  The final stages were very difficult with excessive bleeding and feeling exhausted most of the time.  It was also a time when my weight ballooned totally on it own accord as I was very disciplined about my food.  So I was exhausted as well as very self critical about the heft that I was trying to carry around.  I was always the nurturing type to the point of being codependent in all of my affairs.  Thankfully I had begun working on my codependency issues in my thirties.  I am convinced that estrogen played a role in my codependency.  

Then my huge periods just suddenly stopped!  I was left with the excess weight, joint pain, and meno brain(which means that I would walk thru a doorway and be clueless on the other side what I was walking toward).  It became hard to pull up common nouns and names.  It took about two years for meno to stabilize and for me to begin to adjust to the changes.  Then last year I took on my weigh after my dear obese sister died suddenly from a heart attack.  Now the weight is off and my joints are normally 64 year old stiff which I can accept.  I still have the brain glitches but I have adjusted and realize my IQ is still intact.  I could not have done this during that two year transition because it took all the energy I had to adjust to the emotional changes I was finding myself going through.  

I like to use a phrase to define how menopause effects us emotionally.  In a nut shell it is, “make your own eff’n dinner!”  As my estrogen depleted I started noticing that I did not really care as much about what others were going through.  I experienced a kind of detachment that all the years of CODA had tried to teach me.  In a flash I was able to still be loving without all the anxiety of the sense that I needed to fix this somehow.  All of my Buddhist philosophy kicked into place.  At first I thought I might be turning into a sociopath or something.  Now I realize I just live with more equanimity.  It is easier to ask myself what is best for me in this situation without feeling guilty or selfish.  

I have come to believe that estrogen is a very bad drug.  ;).  I know it is necessary to put up with all the rigors of motherhood and wifehood.  But now it is so good to be off of it.  I can focus on my work and my creative endeavors without a bit of guilt.  My husband is learning to adjust to this “new me”.  But he is actually getting it and benefitting accordingly.  He is more free to do whatever he wants to in his free time because I have become so freewheeling and independent.  I don’t have a sex drive but really enjoy sex when he can talk me into it.  Our intimacy has improved because in order to want to, we need to be in a really good place together so we both work harder on our relationship.  

So all in all menopause is a WIN WIN.  Look forward to it and remember to work on your codependency issues in perimenopause so you will have a more seamless transition…until then

Be Well!

HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL WITH FOOD ATTACHMENT ISSUES

Michele Happe MA Certified Health Coach  

September 15, 2014

I think it is harder to recover from food attachment than alcohol and drug addiction.  We now know that our brains are a bit different regarding the reward center whether it is food or substance we are attached to.  It is important to accept this from the beginning in order to have success.  If we don’t we will compare ourselves to others who don’t have the issue and we will become resentful and defiant.  With substances we can abstain completely, but not so with food.  With food our ultimate challenge is to learn moderation. 

Another mind change we need to implement  is that DISCIPLINE is a necessary part of our lives.  This is true in so many areas such as spirituality as well.  The more we can accept a disciplined life the better our results will be.  This may involve keeping  track of our food in writing.  We also should weigh in but not too often.  I recommend twice per month while loosing and once per month once maintenance is achieved.  During transition from losing to maintenance expect to weigh more frequently.  

Regarding the type of food we eat, the more natural, the better.  Fresh organic, non processed foods are always best.  When we eat these types of foods we actually develop a taste for them and then come to prefer them.  FOOD PLAN  is very important.  It must be defined and committed to.  It may be like mine, 5 100 calorie snacks with one meal(lean and green) or it might be a certain calorie intake or the paleo plan or gluten free plan.  Once you have a plan, let others know what you are doing so you can turn to them when you struggle.

We also need to look at much broader more PHILOSOPHICAL ISSUES.  Why do I want to be at a healthy weight.  If your primary desire is to be healthy, you are more likely to have success.  When it is about looks or size, once we reach goal weight we are often still not satisfied with how we look.  For instance, my arms are now a very good size, but I still have a belly and my arms are all saggy.  I am 64 this year and if I was too attached to how I looked I would just want to give up and eat.  But I know that I am healthy and my cholesterol is way down and my muscles are strong, even though my skin has  gone south.  Ultimately we all need to value our life and have enough self regard to care properly for ourselves.  

MOST IMPORTANTLY we need to rely on OTHERS for continued success.  Whether we are part of a chat group, anonymous meetings, have a health coach or just a buddy we can share with who is on a similar path, we need others.  I do all of the above and since I am a health coach, my commitment to maintaining my health is even more deep.  Helping others is rewarding of itself but it also helps me to stay on track.  If you think you can do this on your own, give it a try.  If you fail then try to open your mind to joining others on the path.  

So join others on the path so we can achieve health and happiness together.  

Be well

http://mhappe.com

Obstacles and Obscurations

 

Michele Happe, MA: Mon, Jan 31st 2011

In the Buddhist way of thinking, we are all The Buddha. The Buddha is the state of being fully awake and enlightened. The reason most of us do not express this Buddha Nature is because it is obscured by attachment to the ego or the "monkey mind". The ego is a double edged sword. On the one hand, as Freud said, it is the "reality principle". It keeps us grounded and responsible. On the other hand the ego "edges God out". It is deluded and self important and wants to be in control at all times. The egos need to control is what keeps us from enlightenment and ultimate health and happiness.

So what creates these obstacles and obscurations? As I just explained, the egos tendency to think it knows gives rise to attachment and aversion, two of the primary causes of suffering. The other reason for obstacles and obscurations is Karma. Karma is the result of the egos insistence that it is in control. Whether Karma ripens from this life's past misdeeds or from previous lives misdeeds is not important. What is important is that the simple cause and effect from Karma creates obstacles and obscurations to our true Buddha Nature. Karma can ripen as illness, emotional disorders, accidents or any other less than enlightened condition.

Our job as humans who desire to be enlightened is to clear away these obscurations. We do this through discipline. Our effort is to transform everything to compassion. We first train our mind to let go of our tendency to grasp so that we can convert our poisonous emotions(mental illness) to compassion. Just the intention to this discipline reaps immediate rewards. For instance jealousy and envy are transformed to admiration and respect. Anger is transformed to sorrow which warms the heart to self and others.

Another, even more potent method is through practice such as meditation and specific practices handed down from previous masters. There is a meditation practice called Tonglen which has a very powerful effect of clearing away obscurations. In Tonglen we breath in suffering and breath out love, thereby purifying the whole universe as well as ourselves. There are other daily practices called Sadana's that are also very potent. If you are a Buddhist a qualified Lama can teach and recommend these practices.

If you are not a Buddhist you can still clear away obscurations and obstacles by practicing the Golden Rule or as the Dalai Lama recommends, make your religion kindness. We must actively set our intention to be ethical and kind every day. We must actively reign in the selfish concerns of the ego. It is best to find a qualified teacher or a mentor who might be a therapist to aid us in our commitment to clear away our obscurations so that we can come closer to our Buddha Nature and achieve happiness and well being.

Be Well

Another View of Forgiveness

Michele Happe, MA: Mon, Feb 7th 2011

Most discussions on forgiveness involve an offense, an apology and an acceptance of the apology leading to forgiveness. I would like to present another view. I have been influenced by my years as a coach, being a recovering person and my Buddhist training.

In order to forgive, we need to know what forgiveness is. Forgiveness benefits the forgiver, not the one to be forgiven. The one forgiven may feel a sense of relief that he or she is off the hook so to speak, but the forgiver receives the Karmic benefit. 

Forgiveness does not mean, "oh thats ok" especially when the offense is grave. Forgiveness is radical acceptance of the truth of the situation. For instance, your parent lays really big guilt trips on you over and over. What happens when you forgive one offense only to have that happen over and over again. Must you forgive over and over? No.

Radical acceptance goes something like this. My parent is serial guilt tripper. He or she will do this over and over again. I know this to be true. I can actually come to expect this on a regular basis. I get it! Once we get it when the offense happens again we are no longer affected viscerally. We come to expect that behavior and we are able to brush it off our shoulders. We are able to say to ourselves…"put on the seatbelt, we are going on a guilt trip", meaning we begin to not take the offense personally.

When we do not take another's offense personally, it is no longer about us. We just look at it as the way this person operates. We have no visceral reaction. We no longer become triggered.

Forgiveness is radical acceptance of what is. It is a process that requires mindfulness and introspection and maturity. It requires detachment from the offending person. This loving detachment creates the ability to humbly see our offending parent as a being that is hurting and unable to operate in a mature way. When we say to the other, "I forgive you" in essence we are saying "I get you".

Be well!

THE LANGUAGE OF COUPLE-SHIP

The Language Couple-ship

Michele Happe, MA: Mon, Feb 21st 2011

Even though men and women's DNA is almost identical, we are very different. These differences in part are what draw us together. We compliment each other. He is good at fixing things. She is good at understanding what makes relationships thrive. Men are basic and easy to please, women are complicated and baffling. When I work with couples, my standard comment is Men just want their women to be happy, and Women are never satisfied. Believe it or not, I have never gotten an argument from this statement. Please keep in mind I am speaking in generalities and there are always some exceptions to the rules. But the rules are the rules.

Given our differences, it is important to realize that we need to accommodate each other. Men feel loved by hearing that they are respected. Women need to feel that they are cherished, and believe me this is not accomplished by a grope on the butt or the breasts. If a man is cranky and stressed, he can usually be made happy by the offer of sex. By the same token, women need to be careful about being too directive with men especially regarding their world of fixing stuff. In my marriage, our agreement is that the house is my domain, I am the queen and what I say goes. The garage and the outdoors is his domain…he is the king and what he says goes(except for house exterior color, because color is my domain.)

This is not a general recommendation. Each couple needs to work out their domains based on their passions and strengths and weaknesses. It takes communication and understanding and sometimes bravery to figure out how to navigate the separation of powers in relationship. Some relationships are mirror images of the traditional role. At times dad is the primary caregiver and mom is the breadwinner. This is fine and good. It just needs to be understood and agreed to.

Pat Allen, a Jungian therapist put it succinctly. She said, it is a man's world and a woman's universe. If we stop fighting this fact, we will be happier in couple-ship. If we have expectations of our relationship that are unreasonable both will be unhappy. A sense of humor and the ability to laugh at ourselves is indispensable.

Above all have fun, smile at each other, look each other in the eye and tell each other often that you love each other.

Be Well