TRAUMA ON A MASS SCALE PART 7…COVID...AUTHORITARIANISM...EPSTEIN FILES

THE SLOW CREEP OF AUTHORITARIANISM

As a 75 year old I remember times that were comfortable and safe in the 50's and times that were crazy and horrible like the 60's and 70's with assassinations, the Viet Nam War, and Kent State.  During those crazy times most of us had been raised in comfortable homes where both parents who didn't need to work. As kids we played in the streets and had an intuitive sense of safety.  When the crazy started happening in the 60's we mobilized more than today because we were healthy and strong and had faith in ourselves.  

Today is a different story.  Here is a brief perspective.  Watergate happened in 1972.  I remember when Nixon started the privatization of health care.  That was the beginning of a slow accumulation of the degeneration of the "good old days" after FDR.  We were all like frogs in the heating up of water.  There were the John Birchers but they were marginalized.  Then came Reagan who was the anti government president. Then George Bush who cosigned president Reagan's policies. He was succeeded by bill Clinton who praised neoliberalism and capitulated to the republicans by continuing to see the profit motive of privatization.  There was a very slow erosion of FDR's policies even with our darling president Barack Obama who came out in the beginning as anti gay in order to get the votes needed.  He was a very eloquent charismatic Neoliberal who totally botched the housing crisis and gave money to the banks instead of the people who were threatened with foreclosure. This whole era was a very slow moving crisis which was exemplified by householders who had to work two jobs to survive and provide child care.  The safety of union involvement was severely degraded during this period.  Colleges became unaffordable for most.  When I graduated from CSULA in 1973 with a Masters degree I paid $152.00 per quarter.  Today's tuition is between $7000.00 and $20,000 per year depending on whether you are in state or out of state.  Down the street USC tuition is $72,000.  This is just one example of how trending neoliberalism has eroded our ability to feel safe and comfortable in the period from 1970 to 2020.  

After Trumps first presidency, he lost his 2nd term to Joe Biden.  Bernie Sanders had been in office of one kind or another since 1981.  His democratic socialist message has been consistent for all the years he has been in office.  He is an FDR progressive for the people.  I believe he could have won but he was replaced by the democratic establishment with Joe Biden who was marginally  a very good president and was in serious in decline.  His loss in 2024 marks the end of the slow deminishment  of FDR's policies.

With Trump's second term we are now frogs feeling the heat and pretty much close to boiling due to his open and very rapid dismantling of our government with the help of the authors of Project 2025.  We are scared and traumatized by what is going on and it will only get worse.  He has a very strident cult of followers responsible for about 30's of the vote, but who knows if we will even have a vote in the next election. 

Those who feel traumatized are tired and afraid and on the verge of just giving up.  We are hit with 24/7 frightening news and are tempted to put our collective heads in the sand, especially after experiencing COVID.

COVID

When COVID hit in the early months of 2020 life changed in the world.  Children were no longer going to school and in lock down, those who complied were at home working online or losing their jobs.  Life radically changed and for many this was a trauma.  Many children, especially teens and preteens suffered the most because these are the years when peer group is everything and children are beginning the process of separation from parents for the inevitable change of leaving home and finding their own way either in college or out in the work world.  Many children became depressed and became glued to their phones in an effort to have some connection with others.  

Adults, especially extroverted adults suffered just as much as they became more isolated and started watching the news where there were daily statistics of the number of dead and hospitalized for the illness.  Those who recovered often developed Long COVID which we still don't understand.  Vaccines were released and we sat in our cars in long lines to get our first shots of this new MRNA Vaccine.  The anti vaxers lead by RFK JR refused the vaccines as all kinds of propaganda appealed to the fear spread by propagandists.  Many of these people died or ended up in intensive care in hospitals.

First responders stayed on the job especially hospital workers.  They watched powerlessly as patients started dying and then their own colleagues got sick and died.  Mask wearing became controversial which only lead to more spread.  It took years for the pandemic to be called off in favor of the label endemic.  And still people are dying from the illness. 

We were all touched by the pandemic and were required to adjust while dealing with PTSD, long COVID, depressed children and teens, little ones who never knew anything different and an economy that was damaged by the lockdowns and the sickness.  Many of us are still recovering. 

EPSTEIN FILES

It is difficult to estimate the number of people sexually assaulted because over 50% never report.  Freud estimated the 70% of females of all ages experience sexual assault.  I don't think that number is that far off.  Males are not exempt from sexual assault as well.  

This new emergence of the Epstein Files are triggering for those who are involved but for those also who were ever sexually abused.  I find myself, a survivor, obsessed with the news and am exasperated by the lack of transparency of our government on all levels to release all the files even though the president has the power to release them.  The triggers can be subtle like mine or profound leading to fear and anxiety as well as depression and a tendency to self harm.  

THE DEGENERATE TIMES

In Buddhism these times we are living in are predicted in teachings to be the degenerate times when teaching about loving kindness, compassion, wisdom, and the interdependence of all things are needed.  As Tibet was taken over by the Chinese many Tibetan teachers were moving to the west to teach Buddhist Principles.  The Dalai Lama moved to India for refuge. These teachings are antidotes to the trauma experienced on a personal levels as well as the mass traumas above as well as the mass trauma of war and authoritarianism.

I contemplate impermanence every day with the faith that we can recover from all of this.  One of my favorite prayers that I recite every day is: (Please refer to part 3 in this series...The answers are in Buddhism)

May the terrible weapons of modern warfare-nuclear weapons, biological weapons and so forth that threaten to destroy the earth, and may all our ill fortune leading to great wars and armed conflict be utterly pacified.  May the world enjoy happiness similar to that of the golden age.

Another:

In all countries may disease, war and famine be pacified.  May all beings have bliss, happiness and engage in the Dharma.  

It is possible to recover from our traumas by developing a healthy relationship to them and by developing compassion to self as well as others. Working with a knowlegeable professional can be very helpful.  Community involvement also is a great reminder that we are all connected and interdependent.  Stress reduction, healthy sleep patterns, healthy diet, are also important.  Nothing is more important than being authentically who we are.

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

PART 3 HELP AND HEALING COMES FROM BUDDHISM

I am listening to a book called Outshining Trauma.  Ralph De La Rosa speaks to me so deeply.  As a Buddhist practitioner I believe that the principles we learn and revere can not only heal trauma but can promote true happiness and even help with the attainment of unceasing wisdom and compassion.  

Compassion is the key.  One of my great pleasures in life is reading a list of people who are currently suffering.  Reading their names out loud make me feel love for myself as an opening of my heart and love for them as I think of them throughout the day.  

Trauma does not go away.  It ebbs and flows based on our experiences in life.  In order to heal from trauma I encourage and have achieved a relationship with it.  First we embrace whatever happened to us whether it was losing a home from a tornado(PTSD), COVID, or repeated abuse and neglect in our family culture(COMPLEX PTSD). We send love and compassion to ourselves as the person who is experiencing the trigger which is disregulating to the point that we can enter fight or flight behavior. 

 In the nineties inner child work was the rage.  It seemed hokey and I attended meetings where people were holding teddy bears or dolls representing their inner child.  I benefitted greatly by looking at a picture of my sad little self at 3 when the abuse started and deciding that I would be her protector.  This is how you develop self compassion.  It is amazing how many of my clients who are able to detach from their own traumatic experiences by rationalizing excuses for the one who targeted them but find it so hard to send love to the being who was so deeply affected by the abuser.  Being able to develop self compassion takes practice.  

Mindfulness and a searching and fearless inventory   

Primary tenants of Buddhism are to be authentic and true to who we are.  Once we have been traumatized much of our identity gets hidden due to shame, anger, guilt and we pretend or mask to seem well adjusted or just ok.  This makes getting reactivated from a trigger so much more possible.  I take many of my clients through an inventory that asks probing questions about childhood adolescence and adulthood.  It is pretty exhaustive.  Their answers culminate in developing patterns of character strengths as well as character flaws.  They come to know who they are, what their triggers are and the patterns that set them up for increased suffering.  This process activates authenticity.

Mindfulness is a teaching that asks us to be an observer of our own mind and to point out to ourselves where we are engaging in delusional thinking.  What is most important about mindfulness is to be able to send love and compassion to our delusional thinking which makes it possible to train our minds to the truth that we know in our hearts....that we have our own pure wisdom and compassion within us and that to be born human, past karma puts obstacles and obscurations in our way of this true nature of our own mind.  When we accept this we are then capable of transforming our own mind which sets the scene for true healing of trauma.  

A helpful tool is to embrace our hurt little child in the loving arms of your own inner parent.  This part of us exists to sooth our pain and open ourselves up to the truth who we are and that we deserve- compassion from self and others.  We develop a relationship with our trauma and love it back to health.  I tell my clients who bathe themselves in guilt and shame for what they have been through that if they keep that up Ill need to call child protective services on them because we don't treat children that way.  They usually get it instantly and we laugh together.  One of my clients who went through horrific trauma in childhood is stuck with an inner mantra which says, "it wasn't that bad".  When she is able to release the mantra and claim it to be delusional, her work will then be able to gain insight and the ability to truly heal.  

With practice we get better at mindfulness and authenticity and we come to ask ourselves important questions like "am I unnecessarily beating up myself internally" and "could I be taking better care of myself by setting boundaries with others and myself with compassion?"  "Am I in a relationship that is a trauma bond". Just being able to ask this question of ourselves is the path to great awareness and gradually the ability to structure our lives that enable us to be happy and productive rather than trying to fit into a norm by masking and pretending that we are "OK" which only makes our suffering worse.  We are OK only when we are able be our true self.  This is why as a coach I am very much an open book and am happy to share the path that got me here and the mistakes I make every day.  It is important to embrace imperfection as a being in the human realm.  It is part of the deal.  We embrace this with love but don't make it a justification for our less than enlightened  behavior. And we press on and practice and grow by increments.  

Support for this process is essential, whether it is with a therapist, coach, support group or fellow survivor who is on the healing path.  We cannot do this alone.  Our trauma is a part of our history.  With mindful awareness when we get reactivated by a present experience and can name it as a trigger and then re regulate through meditation, a phone call to a friend, a call to our coach, a call to our own inner loving parent or even a YouTube video that is soothing and we are right back in healing mode. In this sense we are developing a healthy relationship to our own trauma.  We embrace the fact that all emotions are fleeting, impermanent and will pass.  We are now in this moment to be happy and productive humans.  We are enabled to be IN the present moment which hold the full potential  for health happiness and the ability to pass on our healing to others who suffer.  

In the next part I will talking more about health.  For now:

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

If you suffer from addictions of any kind and want to recover

Then follow these steps

1). Clean up your nutrition by reducing carbs, first sugar then grains then starchy vegetables. Reduce your carbs to 20 grams net and eat only whole real food. Eat moderate protein and replace carbs with healthy fats like animal fats olive oil and coconut oil. 

2). Begin an exercise program like walking, weight training, swimming biking or playing sports at least 3 times per week. 

3). Get adequate sleep shooting for 8 hours based on your own biorhythms.  Whether you are a night owl or a lark accepting these rhythms will enhance your sleep experience. 

4) Attend support meetings of your choosing. If you don’t like groups find a recovery coach, counselor or therapist. If you are dealing with previous trauma, make sure you find someone who is experienced in dealing with this. 

This may feel like a very tall order but it is worth it to create a long and healthy life without addictions..

Live as clean a life as possible and you will not only reverse your addiction but will feel and function better than ever. These steps also reverse many mental health conditions and metabolic health conditions like obesity and diabetes.

Be well,

Michele

775 230-1507

mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

 

My Metabolic Mind page 

Search for:  Michele Happe Metabolic Mind

              My Psychology today page: 

              Search for: Michele Happe Psychology Today

TRAUMA AND METABOLIC DISORDERS....

 It is clear from current research and scientific studies that there is a direct relationship between metabolic disorders and nutrition...but there is more.  In this post I will be talking about trauma, especially consistent repetitive childhood trauma which clearly affects the mental health of the adult as well as the physical health.  

What metabolic disorders do we see affected by trauma? I'll provide you with a list.

        Obesity

        Chemical dependency and addiction

        Depression and anxiety

        Personality disorders such as Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Dependent, and Depersonalization

        Heart disease

        Type 2 diabetes

        Irritable bowel disease

        Chronic fatigue and other autoimmune diseases

and more.  

The energy in every cell in our body depends on the mitochondria in each cell.  This is the powerhouse of each cell.  When the mitochondria is damaged, the cell is weakened and becomes dysfunctional, resulting in all of the above listed diseases and disorders.  Chris Palmer MD, a psychiatrist is another one of my heroes.  He was surprised to find that when one of his schizophrenic patients who was morbidly obese asked for a way to lose the excess weight, the ketogenic diet he recommended not only precipitated weight loss, but also took aways his hallucinations and delusions.  This was a patient who always rejected the diagnosis of schizophrenia before ketone adaptation.  After his weight loss and resolution of his schizophrenic symptoms, he remarked to the Dr. "you know I think I was schizophrenic"!  Dr Palmer has written a book called Brain Energy which addresses brilliantly the importance of mitochondria in a most compassionate and passionate way.  

Poor nutrition, junk and over processed food and in many cases excess carbohydrates weakens mitochondria.  Environmental toxins like smoking, pollution, chemicals, alcohol, many drugs and pharmaceuticals also damage mitochondria.  And so does stress and trauma both emotional and physical.  It is no secret that trauma of any kind causes an immediate spike in blood sugar produced by the liver by a process called neoglucogenesis.  Prolonged stressors and trauma can contribute to hyperinsulinemia which causes insulin resistance, the precursor of all the above listed illnesses...and many more.  

Now about trauma.  I work with many clients who have endured unspeakable traumas.  What I usually see initially are metabolic disorders like obesity and addiction.  Once we do a rigorous history of family it becomes clear that without exception, trauma is the underlying comorbidity.  So this trauma must be dealt with.  The most common reaction to trauma is the effort to deny its existence or to push it away through aversion by saying,  "that is in the past and I shouldn't be affected by it anymore".....only compounding the deleterious effects of the original trauma especially in the case of complex post traumatic symptoms, meaning chronic repetitive traumas of childhood.  

Having suffered my own traumas of sexual molestation and corporal punishment as well as a sudden loss of my brother when I was 17,  I have done extensive work of my own, in this area.  I find that the most effective way to deal with trauma is to develop a relationship with it because it never really goes away.  It rears its head after triggers are activated and learning self soothing and compassion as well as acceptance of the prolonged effects of the trauma are crucial.  This relationship minimizes the stress caused by the PTSD and CPTSD, mollifying the negative influence on our mitochondria.  

We must remember always that the brain is a part of the body and both work together in both health and ill health.  They cannot be separated.  Watch Dr. Palmer explain:

So if you have experienced trauma or if you have chronic metabolic illness it is important to get help through nutritional guidance as well as stress reduction and trauma work.  If you are willing to take this deep and sometimes frightening dive into changing your life style and improving your overall health and longevity you will experience  a  promotion of happiness which is a profound healing force.  

Until next time, I am Happe to help.  

Call or text me: 775 230-1507 or email: mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

until then....

Michele

        

HELPING TWEENS AND TEENS WITH CODEPENDENCY ISSUES

LEARN IN ORDER TO TEACH

 I was recently working with a couple who have concerns about their 13 year old daughter.  We talked about what codependency looks like in a teen and how to deal with it.  I told them I would look for books on recovery from codependency for teens and found nothing...hence this blogpost and maybe later a book. 

Dealing with teens can be very difficult as they are in a transitional stage from childhood into adulthood.  They have been bombarded with hormones and often deal with their changing bodies with discomfort.  Acne, braces, periods, crazy sex drive, nighttime emissions are all new things that can cause insecurities and mood changes.  

When my son was going through this time I just felt that he had started to hate me.  He was withdrawn and irritable.  I didn't realize at the time that this was a temporary condition.  It was very difficult for both of us and I made many mistakes along with many strides in terms of parenting a teen.  

The best preparation for helping a teen with codependency issues is teaching them from birth a few essential concepts which will prevent difficulties later on.  I always tell my clients with children that their children are substantially cooked by age 11 or 12 maybe earlier.  After 13 our approach as parents needs to differ considerably.  Mandates and direct advice are likely to be argued or rebelled against which is a normal and healthy reaction from a teen who needs to individuate from parents as they cross the divide into adulthood.  It is important to share and commiserate rather than to "parent" the teen.  Ask them questions and draw them into possible solutions for problems they are having.  This enables them to feel more comfortable thinking for themselves.  Reading books together or watching educational videos with discussion after is important as well. There are many dramatic shows and movies that are also thought provoking which can foster a more adult relationship between parent and teen.  

Keeping it simple in terms of interpersonal health is also important to teach our very young children.  I will illustrate a few of those here.

BOUNDARIES

Teaching young ones healthy boundaries is essential to interpersonal health.  Establishing rules of respect in the house such as always knocking and getting permission to enter a room.  Parents as well as children must respect this boundary.  Teaching our children that psychological abuse, violence and bullying are unacceptable is essential.  This means parents must refrain from violence to their children and each other as well.  Respect grows out of healthy boundaries.  Fear does not foster respect.  It fosters resentment in the developing teen.  We all have a right to be listened to and heard.  Teaching our children active empathetic listening is helpful for the whole family.  Many parents believe all couple conflicts must be done in private, away from the children.  I disagree.  It is helpful for children to witness conflict resolution so that they can take that skill into adulthood instead of becoming conflict averse or avoidant.  We all have rights as humans...these rights extend into our family as well.  Respectful communication must be insisted upon but parents need to hone this skill before they can teach it to their children.

FOCUSING ON SELF RATHER THAN OTHER

A prime symptom of codependency is the tendency to identify with the other rather than self.  My favorite oft repeated joke is "two codependents have sex and one says to the other, well it was good for you, how was it for me?"  The method for teaching healthy respect of self to our children is to teach them to acknowledge how they are feeling, to identify feelings and that their feelings are important.  As a Buddhist I teach that all feelings must be acknowledged and then transformed into compassion for self and other.  If these skills are not taught early the child becomes fused or enmeshed with others rather than individuated.  

THE KINDNESS DILEMMA

The boundary between compassion and codependency is very murky.  A rule of thumb to teach our children is that if kindness to another causes self harm....its codependent.  If kindness causes no self harm it is interdependent which is the healthy state of kindness.  This is a very nuanced distinction.  It demands that both personal boundaries and the ability to focus on self rather than other must be internalized.  It demands that parents must learn and adopt the same principles they are teaching to their children.  

SOLUTIONS

The bitter truth about helping our teens is that often it is too late and we have to let them learn their lessons the hard way.  Many codependent children will become addicted in one form or another.  I have found that while helping many addicts recover, the underlying issues are codependency.  Recovery is certainly possible but prevention is a much better form of recovery.

Prevention is an uphill battle because our culture is full of the mistakes that cause codependency.  Racism, violence, male privilege, social inequities, authoritarianism are all cultural symptoms that lead to codependency.  Religions often teach women to put up with abuse for the sake of the children.  Men who are abused by wives are seen as weak if they intervene or leave the relationship. Girls are taught that assertiveness must be hidden through manipulation and underhandedness hence the mean girl syndrome.  I could go on and on but that is a possible discussion for further blogs or even a book. 

CONCLUSION

If you are concerned for you teen the first step is get help for any codependency or addiction issues you may personally have.  Codependents anonymous and other 12 step programs are very helpful.  Have discussions with your teen when watching programs that show symptoms of codependency.  It is important to remember that the most common codependent diad is to hook up with a narcissist.  Please see my blog here about the Relationship between Codependency and Narcissism.  

Avoid avoidance.....start communication in the family with compassion, calm, and respect.  Interrupt boundary violations with veto power...what you say no to.  A common phrase I teach is "I can't allow you to treat me this way". 

I wish you hope as you progress on this journey of healing and growth.  It is a bumpy messy road which promises much reward.  Until then.....

Be well

I welcome comments, questions and suggestions. 

 

People of the Lie or why people so tenaciously hang on to dis-information…A Buddhist perspective

Michele Happe MA

September 14 2015

I was on the radio recently talking about the work of Brendan Nyhan who is conducting research at Yale Law school.  His experiments indicate that when people have a partisan stance about certain issues like Gun Control, Climate Change, and WMD’s in Iraq that they are very tenacious to their views even when presented with evidence that contradicts these views.  In fact he points out that at times there is a “back fire phenomenon” which causes people to become even more further entrenched in their views.  He says that this is true about both liberals and conservatives when they are partisans.  He says that it is folly to try to convince these individuals using facts and that using this tactic  is generally a waste of time.  

There are many psychological issues that prop up this research.  For one the concept of cognitive dissonance makes it very difficult to change our minds when a paradigm shift is required to accept the contrary evidence.  A book by Thomas Kuhn called the Structure of Scientific Revolution is about how difficult it is for paradigms to be shifted when it necessitates a change in world view.  There is a critical amount of discomfort required for these kinds of fundamental paradigm shifts to occur and before that point, humans will go literally to war and resort to violence to prop up their ill informed views.  

John Dean, former legal adviser to Richard Nixon wrote a book about another psychological tendency around issues.  He talked about the authoritarian type.  This is a type of person who needs to be lead (follower) by another authoritarian (leader).  This psychological condition amounts to being childish and fearful.  Just tell me what to do and I will be ok.  Fox news is full of authoritarian leaders but John Dean used Dick Cheney as a perfect example.  

  I don’t think it is any mistake that a common reaction after 911 was mass fear and many on the right used that fear to prop up their plans to make the conservative agenda popular in order for the Republicans to win into perpetuity.  Of course the supreme court helped out by stopping the vote count  in Florida in the election between George Bush and Al Gore who by the way would have won the popular vote.  Fox news started spreading fear with the imminent possibility of a “mushroom cloud”,  another attack and lack of safety in our “homeland” and they used many other wedge issues such as abortion and immigration to increase peoples fear of xenophobia.  The conservatives also capitalized on nationalism after the attack on the twin towers which also stokes xenophobia and fear of the future.  Jeb Bush, not George bush was a signatory to the Product for a New American Century or PENAC which knew that an attack on our country would sufficiently foment fear so that the conservatives could gain and keep power.  When it happened they were ready.

 I cannot tell you how many women have complained in my private practice that their husbands are obsessed with Fox News and that since listening 24/7, they have become angry and hateful in other words terrified and attached to the lie.  It has even broken up a few relationships due to excessive anger in the partner and attachment to hateful right wing policies.  Fox news has been proven to be very inaccurate in their reporting but the disinformation used by them causes more fear and hatred which in turn causes people to be ultra opinionated and even more attached to their world view(backfire effect)  

We do see this in some on the left as well such as liberal Jews supporting right wing political leaders in Israel, Also extreme attachment to Obama and also to Hilary Clinton even though both support neolibral policies which the supporter might be against.  This is due to partisanship. Here is a definition of partisanship: an  inclination to favor one group or view or opinion over alternatives

  In Buddhism we look at the primary causes of suffering.  Basically they are attachment to opinion, hatred, fear, anger and selfishness.  We are taught over and over that we are instructed to abandon  all views in order to created joy and happiness.  We are instructed to have a neutral mindset regarding all concepts that are the result of the egos beliefs.  This is a very tall order because most of us have fear about so many things from fear of death to fear of another attack like that which happened on September 11, 2001.  When we train our mind suffiiently we are able to better disengage from the emotional attachment that leads to partisanship in the first place.  We are more able to enjoy the ride and be humble about not knowing.  

Most importantly we need to divest ourselves of the need to change other peoples minds.  They have a right to their delusions just as do we.  As the Dali Lama was asked his opinion after meeting president Bush, His response was, “he had very good cookies”.  

Until next time be well

A Brief Guide to Effective Communication

A Brief Guide to Effective Communication
Michele Happe MA
September 8 2015

Being trained in effective communication can be the booby prize.  This means that in everyday life my training separates me from most people.  I must modify my standards and understand that most have not had this training.  I love teaching these principles to my clients but in all other arenas I am an outsider.  This little blog is my attempt to spread the word in the hopes that these principles may catch fire and ultimately change the world.


My Buddhist perspective demands that we must understand that we are all Buddhas, and that our shortcomings are just obstacles and obscurations which don’t allow us to express our clear Buddha-hood.  We all have the potential for clear and clean communication.   The task is to clear away the obstacles of poor training and egocentric desire to be right rather that to be clear.  Here are some of the principles I teach.


Speak clearly with enough volume

Many of us learn that we should not have a voice in childhood.  When we carry this into adulthood we may speak with low volume or we might slur our words together in order to not fully commit to what we are saying.  It is a way of avoiding getting into trouble.  This includes speaking under ones breath while walking away which is a form of passive aggressive attack. 


Make sure you are answering the question that was asked

When we don’t listen attentively and are more invested in being right we often muddle the message while formulating our response.  It is important to let go of all agendas and compassionately participate in empathetic listening.  My mom was famous for jumping ahead in the conversation and answering a question that she thought might be coming, completely ignoring the actual question or statement.  The ego will do this to us so when sitting down for a discussion meditate first on eliminating all ego from the conversation. 

Respond rather than react 

Avoid defensiveness while listening to the other.  Remember that there is nothing to defend.  We are adults, not children who are afraid of getting into trouble.  If you are aware of your own shortcomings you don't have to defend yourself over something you are already aware of.  When my husband points out my fussiness over detail I am generally able to respond by affirming his statement thus defusing a potential argument.

Use I statements and active listening

When having a discussion, state your case with I statements.  This eliminates the potential for blaming and labeling.  So you don't say “I feel that you are an idiot who never listens”.  You would rather say “I don’t feel heard or understood”.  This allows the other to actively and empathetically listen.  It is best for the responder to rephrase the statement such as “you are saying that when I don’t have eye contact with you and when I interrupt you, you don’t feel that I am listening to you”.  This is a very high level communication skill that whole books have been written about.  I suggest Getting the Love You Want by Harvel Hendricks for a deeper discussion on the subject. 



Refrain from tit for tat tactics

When the other has a problem with you, just let that be the problem that is discussed.  It is combative to respond with “well you do this or that”.  Pick another time to air your grievances in a direct and compassionate way, which brings us to the next principle.
   

Be direct with kindness:  eliminate hinting and loaded communication

Hints and innuendo are the death knell of effective communication.  A hint leaves us to our own imagination and if you are like me, I imagine the worst.  This can also fuel an angry response from the other because when one is passive the other can become aggressive.  Loaded communication also is passive aggressive.  Unpack everything you need to say and unload it with clarity and kindness. 

If you have an ultimatum be sure you are willing to follow through otherwise don’t make them

Never make a threat you have no intention of carrying out.  If you do this the other will learn to not take you seriously and will discount even a clear and heartfelt request.  Ultimatums will then be ignored. 

When entering any kind of  relationship communicate bottom line issues.

Essentially discuss the basic ground rules of the relationship such as monogamy, honesty, and the like.  If you never want children it might be a good idea to put this out early in the relationship so the other can exit gracefully before falling in love.  Many of these boundaries can be spelled out in the first weeks of dating just as you would get the  policies and procedures at the outset of a new job.

Use time outs effectively

Time outs are a wonderful tool when things get heated or you are in a stalemate with the other.  When calling a time out it is very important to negotiate the length of the time out.  This reassures the other that you are not exiting to avoid resolution.  When the time out is over it is equally important to readdress the issue at hand in a more calm manner.  Sometimes it is important to remember that it is ok to agree to disagree. 

In Summary:

Remember that relationships are born out of our innate need to connect.  This connection creates a synergy which renders that partnership so much more powerful.  We always must remember that we are on the same side, that it is you and me facing the rest of the world.  All of our relationships are opportunities to learn more about ourselves.  As we learn more we become better people and better partners.  This is how the world can be changed into a more peaceful welcoming place. 

A WORD ABOUT ENABLING

Michele Happe MA
April 3, 2015

Most of us have someone in our life who is suffering from either addiction, untreated mental illness, or other personality issues.  It is human nature to want to help the afflicted especially if they are loved ones.  Often we make the mistake of helping the problem rather than helping the solution.  It is very important to remember that if you  support to the problem, you are actually contributing to it.  The tough love folks say walk away or detach which is at times a very apt solution....but not always.

Detachment is a very difficult thing to do with those we love.  We hear about detach with love, but how to do that?  My Buddhism informs me about how to do this.  First we have to look at all of our attachments and understand that they are one of the primary causes of suffering.  We make efforts to let loose of our tendency to cling.  Many of us dealing with impaired family members enable over and over until we get jaded and hateful or indifferent to the other.  This is not detachment with love.  We must let our loved ones suffer the consequences of their own actions.  Our task is to develop compassion, deep compassion toward these loved ones who are suffering.  It is a painful process.  It is so much easier to close our hearts off to them.  After all, we learn in Buddhism that suffering is part of the deal..it is a part of life that is unavoidable.

Here is what I do.   I think of myself as a container for the others suffering.  I feel the pain and sadness of their affliction.  I process my judgement and anger and transform it into compassion.  The other is not just deciding to be impaired.  I look at it as their Karma.  It is their path to figure out.  I offer help for movement toward solution and kindly refuse to bail them out or enable their suffering.  If someone with mental illness refuses treatment options I just see them as not ready yet to recover and love them through their process.  I see this all the time in my coaching practice.  I try to be, and come from where my client is without pushing.  I offer possible solutions and back of and let them figure out how to solve the problem and if they want to solve the problem.  It can take months or years for a person to be willing to give up overeating.  I sit with them and assist them with other issues that they are willing to work on.

It is much the same with family members.  We all have different paths and it is not our business to decide the shape or form that a loved ones path should take.  I watched my sister kill herself with food and unhealthy life style which included over work and lots of stress.  She was often mad at me and refused to have a relationship with me and I honored that, but I still held her in my heart with love.  I was so happy that we were finally able to reconnect around my moms issues.  She even said she was interested in my food plan, but I did not push.  Three weeks later she was dead.

Sometimes we have to detach unto death if that is the other persons path.  It is so sad, but just remember the sadness is full of love and compassion..

Until next time,

Be well

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

Michele Happe MA 

January 1, 2015

I don’t really believe in New Years resolutions.  My Buddhist practice teaches me that each day is precious and that living in the moment brings the most happiness.  I was asleep by 8 pm last night and I rose early at about 5 which is my favorite time of day.  

When my sister died of a heart attack at age 54, I realized that with the genetics in my family I could no longer rest on my laurels.  So I made the commitment to my health even more stringently.  I am early to bed and early to rise, to the occasional chagrin of my husband.  I eat in a healthy way 6 times per day with restricted calories.  I do indulge once per month and am always happy to return to my discipline after that wonderful day is over.  I exercise regularly in a moderate way.  I do walking, kettle bell swings, and restorative yoga except when I am sick…then I go to bed and rest until I have good energy to resume my activities.  

I nurture my spirt through spiritual practice in our Buddhist tradition.  I also have the opportunity to teach many of these general principles to my clients who use me for spiritual coaching as well as those who use me for health coaching.  

I read that the average weight gain over the holidays is 8 lbs.  Many over eat, over drink and are sleep deprived during this time of year.  The pressure that family brings often hits us the hardest especially those who grew up in dysfunctional families.  So the emotional toll can be great towards our general health and well being.  

January is typically a time of new clients who are trying to recover from a month of over doing.  I welcome anyone who wants to get on a healthier path.  If you are interested in health coaching remember the coaching is free.  Our plan is very healthy and satisfying.  

I do hope that you all have a wonderful healthy year one day at a time..

Blessings,

Michele

Blaming Out: The Blamer is the One to Lose

Michele Happe MA
October 28, 2014

Have you ever been blamed for another’s short fall? This is a very frustrating thing to experience.

Here is a scenario: “Did you do that task you said you would do last night? “

Answer: “Well you said it wasn’t that important!”

The appropriate response would be, “No I forgot, sorry”…end of story.

When this happens a short conversation can be lengthened into a long, mean spirited argument. The ego does not like to be blamed for what it is not responsible for so we tend to defend against the “attack”….

But what about the blamer? What does he lose?

The need to blame out comes from a place of shame. Often those who make frequent errors of memory who feel the need to be right will do this. Unfortunately, this tendency robs the blamer of the necessary human quality of remorse. If he blames out he can be “right”.

Remorse gives us an opportunity to take responsibility for our actions. It enables us to hone our skills and to do better in the future. As long as it does not morph into self blaming, it is a healthy way of becoming more enlightened over time.

Perfectionism is most likely the culprit here or at least a sense that it is very very bad to be wrong. Unfortunately perfectionism leads to procrastination and eventually paralysis. If we are in this squirrel cage we are forever stuck in the dynamic of defense. We can never become empowered by our mistakes which are the source of our further development.

Blamers also pretend that nothing ever happened in an effort to cover up their lack of rightness. They want the focus off of them so they divert in a nice way so as to end being seen.

It really is so sad isn’t it? When this happens to you try to connect to the sadness rather than developing resentment toward the blamer. It is very challenging but in the end your heart will be warm rather than cold toward the person who uses this tactic.

Until next time: Be well

Corruption

Corruption is a human condition, a poison which all humans are capable of. When we are expressing our Buddha nature, we are incapable of corruption because we are motivated by compassion.

So how does corruption come into being. I believe that the basis for this is fear and a poor relationship with our own Buddha nature. We become convinced that the only way we can be happy is to be "better than". This is delusion. A person who violates others for his or her own gain is corrupt. This can occur on an interpersonal level or globally.

Interpersonally corrupt people are motivated to take advantage of others. They feel that they need to prove their "dominance" of others by making others feel small or less than. Unfortunately this feeling can only be fleeting because it is not real. So the corruption escalates or humility takes over when the corrupt person hits a bottom of sorts.

With addiction we get a false sense of power from the sensation of the "high". Most of our using times are spent chasing that original feeling of false equanimity that we feel in the early days of using. Since this is impossible to achieve, we then become ego driven to avoid the feelings of "incomprehensible demoralization" that our using causes. We are in aversion of the pain of our condition and aversion is one of the primary causes of suffering. This is a downward spiral that "gets worse, never better". Usually a person is ready to enter recovery when they realizes that they are living in a hell realm of addiction. They realized that this is not living, and there us usually a moment of clarity which involves a fervent desire to be truly alive. It can come after a near death experience or it can come for just being "sick and tired of being sick and tired".

We learn about the "horse thief" analogy once we find our way in sobriety. We learn that while using most of us are sociopathic. We lie cheat and steal as a way of life. Once we get sober two things can occur. We can become true to the traditions of recovery and become upstanding citizens or we can become a "sober horse thief". This is better known as a person who is a "dry drunk". This person is corrupt. Even though he may not use or drink, she may take advantage of others or will try to exert power and control over others. This person may have other behavioral addictions that have not been addressed such as sex addiction or codependency. These character flaws cause the person to live a life full of resentment and a drivenness to achieve a false kind of happiness devoid of compassion.
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On a social or global level this tendency is just multiplied. It congeals with others of like mind. Sometimes it is called congress or the senate, sometimes it is called the corporation. Humans are drawn to form systems because we are social animals. These systems become corrupt because they are made up of individuals who lack true compassion. Occasionally we see a politician or a corporation that seems to be built upon compassion. It was Dennis Kucinich who proposed the development of a "Department of Peace"...he was laughed at for that. There are many companies who function on a more compassionate basis like Ben and Jerry's Ice cream....but they struggle and often have to sell to a less compassionate corporation who has "success".

The only way to heal from corruption is to understand that it is built upon delusional power and can only bring about unhappiness and suffering. We must become committed to principles of compassion and the end result will be happiness and humor. Just look at the Dalai Lama who most of the time is very goofy and childlike while running his beleaguered nation that was taken over by a corrupt country. He displays wisdom and skill and continues to be healthy and shows very little anger. He is a model for all of us whether we are people in recovery from whatever, or corporations or even nations.

My segment of the Corey Farley show from March 25th