My interview on Metabolic Mind

https://youtu.be/KYQ-iWDUMJI?si=DcopKlexWQR7jHUA

 I was recently interviewed about my Autism and how therapeutic ketosis has helped. Here is there blurb:

At 75 years old, Michele Happe has lived through addiction, recovery, food struggles, and serious health challenges. But discovering ketogenic nutrition changed everything. What began as "dirty keto" quickly turned into a life-altering shift, bringing steady energy, mental clarity, and freedom from anxiety and depression that had shadowed her since childhood.

In this video, Michele opens up about her deeply personal journey:

• Growing up with undiagnosed autism and always feeling different
• Battling eating disorders, food addiction, and mental health struggles
• Finding sobriety, and later ketogenic therapy, as powerful tools for healing
• Transitioning from a ketogenic diet to carnivore to reverse prediabetes and restore metabolic health
• Coaching others with autism, addiction, and compulsive eating to harness the same benefits

Michele's story is proof that it's never too late to reclaim your health. Metabolic therapies like ketogenic and carnivore diets can transform both body and mind, helping people find stability, resilience, and freedom at any stage of life.

* If you find Michele's story inspiring, check out her THINK+SMART page (https://www.metabolicmind.org/

th...) on our website, and subscribe to Metabolic Mind for more real stories and science on ketogenic therapy and mental health.

And the link to the YouTube 

https://youtu.be/KYQ-iWDUMJI?si=DcopKlexWQR7jHUA

TRAUMA PART 2.....THE SUSCEPTIBLE

Trauma yields different reactions based on who receives it.  I had a client years ago who was nightly molested by her step father who suffered greatly with food issues, anxiety, and depression.  She was activated and disregulated perpetually.  She walked through life like a deer in the headlights.  Her step sister on the other hand was approached by the step father and she fought him and told him to "get the fuck out of her room"!.  She had no trauma reaction. He never approached her again.   She was a tough cookie and her sister was introverted and very sensitive.

So now a little about me.  I am a trauma survivor.  It started with my dad who was sexually inappropriate with me since I was 3.  His behavior was mostly covert.  I remember being in fear and loathing around him and literally clung to my mother.  When I was old enough to spend the night at a friends, I would always end up needing to call my mom because of extreme stomach upset.  In college I started having panic attacks and anxiety all the time.  I was a chubby kid and began lots of crazy dieting starting with diet pills....with my dad.  He always said we were cut from the same cloth.  I didn't realize how profound that statement was until my 60's when I realized I was on the autism spectrum.  At that time I realized he was too.  He was a brilliant materials engineer and accomplished trumpet player with many hobbies and special interests.  As I was saying before, when college started I became anorexic and self harming.  I lived with suicidal ideation which haunted me and terrified my boyfriend at the time who would hold my passenger door closed while driving when I threatened to jump out of our VW Bus. 

Through all of this trauma reaction I was a great student and found solace by going to school, learning and studying.  It was the greatest distraction.  While I was a student there I became a geology tutor where I got my thirst for teaching.  The lab was the place where I felt most comfortable. I was a very good geek!! I had my Masters in Psychology at 23 and got a gig student teaching at my own community college in my home town.   I taught at that community college for a few years and when the bottom dropped out in education in the 70's I started my own business in advertising, representing commercial artists.  I had realized I preferred self employment even though I know that job wasn't for me.  After being a drug and alcohol counselor intern I got hired as a director of an eating disorder unit at a mental hospital.  I loved the job of supervising counselors and doing educational outreach but I hated working in that environment.  I felt the place was a "snake pit". My anxiety blossomed and I walked off that job, applied for disability and got on Prozac which I called "club med".  That was when I started a private practice in the early 90's and where I continue to work with clients as a life style and recovery coach until the present.  Oh and by the way I got sober, dealt with my eating disorders, codependency and got into therapy.  No one ever diagnosed my Level 1 autism until I diagnosed myself in my 60's. 

My own case history reveals how trauma affects the susceptible.  My autism was my susceptibility and my gift.  Level 1 Autism is a remarkable tribe.  We are often introverted, highly sensitive, easily hurt and disregulated, highly intelligent and talented in many areas where we have special interests. Mine are currently digital painting and learning everything I can about metabolism and therapeutic ketosis.  My work is my social life.  This is true for many of us on the spectrum.  But not everyone with deep sensitivities are on the spectrum.  Some of us are just born with the tendency for fear and anxiety, and are more likely to be damaged by trauma.  Men and women might react differently, but both can fall victimized by trauma.  

The reason I suspect trauma damage is when I see the symptoms outlined in part 1.  Those symptoms are usually an attempt to deal with trauma damage.  In the language of autism, they are stimming attempts to help regulate the system whether it is throwing up a meal, cutting, or becoming a powerful politician who is dominated by the need for success, power and retribution.  The reactions to trauma are varied and complex, but treatment is generally the same.  I believe that we need to develop a compassionate relationship with our own trauma and learn helpful and healthy ways to re regulate ourselves when we are triggered into disregulation. 

In part 3 I will share more about treatment and share some case histories with you, so stay tuned.

Until then, be well

Michele

mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507 

TRAUMA AND METABOLIC DISORDERS....

 It is clear from current research and scientific studies that there is a direct relationship between metabolic disorders and nutrition...but there is more.  In this post I will be talking about trauma, especially consistent repetitive childhood trauma which clearly affects the mental health of the adult as well as the physical health.  

What metabolic disorders do we see affected by trauma? I'll provide you with a list.

        Obesity

        Chemical dependency and addiction

        Depression and anxiety

        Personality disorders such as Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Dependent, and Depersonalization

        Heart disease

        Type 2 diabetes

        Irritable bowel disease

        Chronic fatigue and other autoimmune diseases

and more.  

The energy in every cell in our body depends on the mitochondria in each cell.  This is the powerhouse of each cell.  When the mitochondria is damaged, the cell is weakened and becomes dysfunctional, resulting in all of the above listed diseases and disorders.  Chris Palmer MD, a psychiatrist is another one of my heroes.  He was surprised to find that when one of his schizophrenic patients who was morbidly obese asked for a way to lose the excess weight, the ketogenic diet he recommended not only precipitated weight loss, but also took aways his hallucinations and delusions.  This was a patient who always rejected the diagnosis of schizophrenia before ketone adaptation.  After his weight loss and resolution of his schizophrenic symptoms, he remarked to the Dr. "you know I think I was schizophrenic"!  Dr Palmer has written a book called Brain Energy which addresses brilliantly the importance of mitochondria in a most compassionate and passionate way.  

Poor nutrition, junk and over processed food and in many cases excess carbohydrates weakens mitochondria.  Environmental toxins like smoking, pollution, chemicals, alcohol, many drugs and pharmaceuticals also damage mitochondria.  And so does stress and trauma both emotional and physical.  It is no secret that trauma of any kind causes an immediate spike in blood sugar produced by the liver by a process called neoglucogenesis.  Prolonged stressors and trauma can contribute to hyperinsulinemia which causes insulin resistance, the precursor of all the above listed illnesses...and many more.  

Now about trauma.  I work with many clients who have endured unspeakable traumas.  What I usually see initially are metabolic disorders like obesity and addiction.  Once we do a rigorous history of family it becomes clear that without exception, trauma is the underlying comorbidity.  So this trauma must be dealt with.  The most common reaction to trauma is the effort to deny its existence or to push it away through aversion by saying,  "that is in the past and I shouldn't be affected by it anymore".....only compounding the deleterious effects of the original trauma especially in the case of complex post traumatic symptoms, meaning chronic repetitive traumas of childhood.  

Having suffered my own traumas of sexual molestation and corporal punishment as well as a sudden loss of my brother when I was 17,  I have done extensive work of my own, in this area.  I find that the most effective way to deal with trauma is to develop a relationship with it because it never really goes away.  It rears its head after triggers are activated and learning self soothing and compassion as well as acceptance of the prolonged effects of the trauma are crucial.  This relationship minimizes the stress caused by the PTSD and CPTSD, mollifying the negative influence on our mitochondria.  

We must remember always that the brain is a part of the body and both work together in both health and ill health.  They cannot be separated.  Watch Dr. Palmer explain:

So if you have experienced trauma or if you have chronic metabolic illness it is important to get help through nutritional guidance as well as stress reduction and trauma work.  If you are willing to take this deep and sometimes frightening dive into changing your life style and improving your overall health and longevity you will experience  a  promotion of happiness which is a profound healing force.  

Until next time, I am Happe to help.  

Call or text me: 775 230-1507 or email: mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

until then....

Michele

        

KETOSIS FOR WEIGHT LOSS....AND WAY BEYOND...

Lots of exciting things are happening in the scientific world  about ketosis.  Not only is ketosis good for weight loss it also successfully addresses and either minimizes or reverses:

    TYPE 2 DIABETES

    PCOS

    HEART DISEASE

    CANCER

    IRRITABLE BOWEL AND CRONES DISEASE

    ADHD

    ALZEIMERS 

    SCIZOPRENIA AND BIPOLAR DISORDER

    DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY

    AUTISM SPECTRUM

    ALCOHOLISM

and the list goes on

I have been in some form of ketosis for many years.  This year I doubled down and became carnivore because I wasn't happy with an A1C of 5.9.  Within a week of the change I started seeing blood glucose consistently under 100!  There are so many benefits.  No more hangry, mood leveling out, I get to eat lots of butter and bacon (who doesn't love bacon), really good sleep, no more cravings for anything, and memory improvement (barring difficulty with nouns and names....Im 74 in October) and a stable weight for the first time in my life.

I have been working with clients as a recovery coach, a mindfulness coach and in the last year as a metabolic coach.  With gentle loving shoves, many of my clients have adopted the diet with wonderful results.  One is off 3 meds for diabetes.  Many have lost lots of weight and feel better.  Many report stable mood and less anxiety.  And all report a freedom for craving and addiction to carbs....because they have severely reduced carbs to under 20 total.  I spend hours each day researching all the best science around therapeutic ketosis.  It abounds and is fascinating and gives me a good foundation for helping others in my private practice.  It also helps the I ran one of the first eating disorder units in the country in the 1970's.  

I am on a mission.  It makes me so happy for my clients to get such great results just by changing what they put in their mouth.  I have started a text group for all of them and want to expand to others who are interested in healing their metabolism. If you are interested give me a call or text.  All my practice is video now so it doesn't matter where you are worldwide.  As a practicing Buddhist my commitment to kindness and non harm has enabled me to be of service with a small slice of the population in my endeavor to heal the world....

Until then...be well

Michele Happe MA

775 230-1507    email: mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

HELPING TWEENS AND TEENS WITH CODEPENDENCY ISSUES

LEARN IN ORDER TO TEACH

 I was recently working with a couple who have concerns about their 13 year old daughter.  We talked about what codependency looks like in a teen and how to deal with it.  I told them I would look for books on recovery from codependency for teens and found nothing...hence this blogpost and maybe later a book. 

Dealing with teens can be very difficult as they are in a transitional stage from childhood into adulthood.  They have been bombarded with hormones and often deal with their changing bodies with discomfort.  Acne, braces, periods, crazy sex drive, nighttime emissions are all new things that can cause insecurities and mood changes.  

When my son was going through this time I just felt that he had started to hate me.  He was withdrawn and irritable.  I didn't realize at the time that this was a temporary condition.  It was very difficult for both of us and I made many mistakes along with many strides in terms of parenting a teen.  

The best preparation for helping a teen with codependency issues is teaching them from birth a few essential concepts which will prevent difficulties later on.  I always tell my clients with children that their children are substantially cooked by age 11 or 12 maybe earlier.  After 13 our approach as parents needs to differ considerably.  Mandates and direct advice are likely to be argued or rebelled against which is a normal and healthy reaction from a teen who needs to individuate from parents as they cross the divide into adulthood.  It is important to share and commiserate rather than to "parent" the teen.  Ask them questions and draw them into possible solutions for problems they are having.  This enables them to feel more comfortable thinking for themselves.  Reading books together or watching educational videos with discussion after is important as well. There are many dramatic shows and movies that are also thought provoking which can foster a more adult relationship between parent and teen.  

Keeping it simple in terms of interpersonal health is also important to teach our very young children.  I will illustrate a few of those here.

BOUNDARIES

Teaching young ones healthy boundaries is essential to interpersonal health.  Establishing rules of respect in the house such as always knocking and getting permission to enter a room.  Parents as well as children must respect this boundary.  Teaching our children that psychological abuse, violence and bullying are unacceptable is essential.  This means parents must refrain from violence to their children and each other as well.  Respect grows out of healthy boundaries.  Fear does not foster respect.  It fosters resentment in the developing teen.  We all have a right to be listened to and heard.  Teaching our children active empathetic listening is helpful for the whole family.  Many parents believe all couple conflicts must be done in private, away from the children.  I disagree.  It is helpful for children to witness conflict resolution so that they can take that skill into adulthood instead of becoming conflict averse or avoidant.  We all have rights as humans...these rights extend into our family as well.  Respectful communication must be insisted upon but parents need to hone this skill before they can teach it to their children.

FOCUSING ON SELF RATHER THAN OTHER

A prime symptom of codependency is the tendency to identify with the other rather than self.  My favorite oft repeated joke is "two codependents have sex and one says to the other, well it was good for you, how was it for me?"  The method for teaching healthy respect of self to our children is to teach them to acknowledge how they are feeling, to identify feelings and that their feelings are important.  As a Buddhist I teach that all feelings must be acknowledged and then transformed into compassion for self and other.  If these skills are not taught early the child becomes fused or enmeshed with others rather than individuated.  

THE KINDNESS DILEMMA

The boundary between compassion and codependency is very murky.  A rule of thumb to teach our children is that if kindness to another causes self harm....its codependent.  If kindness causes no self harm it is interdependent which is the healthy state of kindness.  This is a very nuanced distinction.  It demands that both personal boundaries and the ability to focus on self rather than other must be internalized.  It demands that parents must learn and adopt the same principles they are teaching to their children.  

SOLUTIONS

The bitter truth about helping our teens is that often it is too late and we have to let them learn their lessons the hard way.  Many codependent children will become addicted in one form or another.  I have found that while helping many addicts recover, the underlying issues are codependency.  Recovery is certainly possible but prevention is a much better form of recovery.

Prevention is an uphill battle because our culture is full of the mistakes that cause codependency.  Racism, violence, male privilege, social inequities, authoritarianism are all cultural symptoms that lead to codependency.  Religions often teach women to put up with abuse for the sake of the children.  Men who are abused by wives are seen as weak if they intervene or leave the relationship. Girls are taught that assertiveness must be hidden through manipulation and underhandedness hence the mean girl syndrome.  I could go on and on but that is a possible discussion for further blogs or even a book. 

CONCLUSION

If you are concerned for you teen the first step is get help for any codependency or addiction issues you may personally have.  Codependents anonymous and other 12 step programs are very helpful.  Have discussions with your teen when watching programs that show symptoms of codependency.  It is important to remember that the most common codependent diad is to hook up with a narcissist.  Please see my blog here about the Relationship between Codependency and Narcissism.  

Avoid avoidance.....start communication in the family with compassion, calm, and respect.  Interrupt boundary violations with veto power...what you say no to.  A common phrase I teach is "I can't allow you to treat me this way". 

I wish you hope as you progress on this journey of healing and growth.  It is a bumpy messy road which promises much reward.  Until then.....

Be well

I welcome comments, questions and suggestions. 

 

A Brief Guide to Effective Communication

A Brief Guide to Effective Communication
Michele Happe MA
September 8 2015

Being trained in effective communication can be the booby prize.  This means that in everyday life my training separates me from most people.  I must modify my standards and understand that most have not had this training.  I love teaching these principles to my clients but in all other arenas I am an outsider.  This little blog is my attempt to spread the word in the hopes that these principles may catch fire and ultimately change the world.


My Buddhist perspective demands that we must understand that we are all Buddhas, and that our shortcomings are just obstacles and obscurations which don’t allow us to express our clear Buddha-hood.  We all have the potential for clear and clean communication.   The task is to clear away the obstacles of poor training and egocentric desire to be right rather that to be clear.  Here are some of the principles I teach.


Speak clearly with enough volume

Many of us learn that we should not have a voice in childhood.  When we carry this into adulthood we may speak with low volume or we might slur our words together in order to not fully commit to what we are saying.  It is a way of avoiding getting into trouble.  This includes speaking under ones breath while walking away which is a form of passive aggressive attack. 


Make sure you are answering the question that was asked

When we don’t listen attentively and are more invested in being right we often muddle the message while formulating our response.  It is important to let go of all agendas and compassionately participate in empathetic listening.  My mom was famous for jumping ahead in the conversation and answering a question that she thought might be coming, completely ignoring the actual question or statement.  The ego will do this to us so when sitting down for a discussion meditate first on eliminating all ego from the conversation. 

Respond rather than react 

Avoid defensiveness while listening to the other.  Remember that there is nothing to defend.  We are adults, not children who are afraid of getting into trouble.  If you are aware of your own shortcomings you don't have to defend yourself over something you are already aware of.  When my husband points out my fussiness over detail I am generally able to respond by affirming his statement thus defusing a potential argument.

Use I statements and active listening

When having a discussion, state your case with I statements.  This eliminates the potential for blaming and labeling.  So you don't say “I feel that you are an idiot who never listens”.  You would rather say “I don’t feel heard or understood”.  This allows the other to actively and empathetically listen.  It is best for the responder to rephrase the statement such as “you are saying that when I don’t have eye contact with you and when I interrupt you, you don’t feel that I am listening to you”.  This is a very high level communication skill that whole books have been written about.  I suggest Getting the Love You Want by Harvel Hendricks for a deeper discussion on the subject. 



Refrain from tit for tat tactics

When the other has a problem with you, just let that be the problem that is discussed.  It is combative to respond with “well you do this or that”.  Pick another time to air your grievances in a direct and compassionate way, which brings us to the next principle.
   

Be direct with kindness:  eliminate hinting and loaded communication

Hints and innuendo are the death knell of effective communication.  A hint leaves us to our own imagination and if you are like me, I imagine the worst.  This can also fuel an angry response from the other because when one is passive the other can become aggressive.  Loaded communication also is passive aggressive.  Unpack everything you need to say and unload it with clarity and kindness. 

If you have an ultimatum be sure you are willing to follow through otherwise don’t make them

Never make a threat you have no intention of carrying out.  If you do this the other will learn to not take you seriously and will discount even a clear and heartfelt request.  Ultimatums will then be ignored. 

When entering any kind of  relationship communicate bottom line issues.

Essentially discuss the basic ground rules of the relationship such as monogamy, honesty, and the like.  If you never want children it might be a good idea to put this out early in the relationship so the other can exit gracefully before falling in love.  Many of these boundaries can be spelled out in the first weeks of dating just as you would get the  policies and procedures at the outset of a new job.

Use time outs effectively

Time outs are a wonderful tool when things get heated or you are in a stalemate with the other.  When calling a time out it is very important to negotiate the length of the time out.  This reassures the other that you are not exiting to avoid resolution.  When the time out is over it is equally important to readdress the issue at hand in a more calm manner.  Sometimes it is important to remember that it is ok to agree to disagree. 

In Summary:

Remember that relationships are born out of our innate need to connect.  This connection creates a synergy which renders that partnership so much more powerful.  We always must remember that we are on the same side, that it is you and me facing the rest of the world.  All of our relationships are opportunities to learn more about ourselves.  As we learn more we become better people and better partners.  This is how the world can be changed into a more peaceful welcoming place. 

Food and Weight and how Basic Buddhist Principles can be so Helpful

Michele Happe MA Certified Health Coach
August 4, 2015
http://mhappe.com


I was fortunate to have extensive training in eating disorders.  I ran one of the first eating disorder units in the 80’s.  I learned that is more important to focus on the food and eating rather than weight.  Focusing on weight can be an attachment in itself.  Let me start with a few basic Buddhist principles that are helpful.

ATTACHMENT AND AVERSION ARE THE PRIMARY CAUSES OF SUFFERING

I prefer to call our issues with over eating attachment rather than addiction.  When we grasp or cling we are in attachment.  One of the most difficult things for the overeater to do is to contemplate letting go of that which has given us so much solace and pleasure.  We turn to food as our comfort.  It is soothing to fill our bellies when we are hurting or anxious.  It is hard to imaging having to deal with the emotions or life without our “friend”.  So we find fault with so many of the plans that provide help with this.  It is too restrictive, it is not real food,  it is boring, I cannot do this forever, I am a foodie, I do eat healthy food, just too much of it, it is too expensive.  The list goes on and on.  Ultimately we fear that we will fail, that it is an impossible task.  So we become attached to that which gives us comfort, to that which eventually may kill us. 

NON ATTACHMENT AND ACCEPTANCE OF THE WAY IT IS

This is a tough one.  Many of us have to accept that we have an issue that is emotional/spiritual in origin.  We also may need to accept that we have a genetic tendency to hold on to the weight.  This theory was poo poo’d for so many years but now as more research is being done with gut bacteria we are finding that a genetic predisposition toward holding weight actually does exist.  I have had to accept, particularly in menopause that I can eat only very few calories of the right kind of foods to keep my weight in acceptable bounds.  It is tempting to feel sorry for myself, but ultimately, my health is more important than my physical limitations.  So I eat less because I want to live more. 

As a Buddhist, I accept that regular spiritual practice and meditation is key to becoming a happier person.  This form of discipline is no longer something that I resent.  We can resent having to brush our teeth ever morning and night but we do it because the dentist chair is not only painful but it is also expensive.  Having a disciplined life with regard to food is the same.  It is ultimately more painful the other way. 

TRAINING THE MIND IS THE PATH TO WISDOM AND COMPASSION

When we become willing to get healthy in heart, body and mind, we actively become participants in how we think  We first learn mindfulness through meditation and the ability to become the observer of our mind.  When we look at that delicious dessert, we begin to dialogue with ourselves.  Is the prize worth the price?  These emotions will not kill me.  I will embrace them and let them come in so that they can pass. I began to see how my aversion to my feelings was the root to my compulsive eating.  When I realized that emotions are to be embraced and nurtured, I realized that they are impermanent. 



IMPERMANENCE-  ALL CONDITIONS ARE TEMPORARY

Realizing that everything is impermanent has been so helpful.  I can allow myself to be depressed.  With mindfulness I can become aware of what is causing my depression and work toward the remedy of the situation while not running from my feelings.  If I overeat, I can acknowledge that I am having a period of emotional eating and take better care of my self in other ways such as meditating, pampering myself with a hot bath or a nap or even indulging in a healthier distraction such as a good book, some exercise or a favorite show on Netflix. 

There is so much to cover on this subject so I will continue it in another blog post soon.  Rest assured that there is a way to be a healthy happy person with the development of healthy discipline and self regard.  My next blog post will deal with self hatred. 

Until then……be well


  

A WORD ABOUT ENABLING

Michele Happe MA
April 3, 2015

Most of us have someone in our life who is suffering from either addiction, untreated mental illness, or other personality issues.  It is human nature to want to help the afflicted especially if they are loved ones.  Often we make the mistake of helping the problem rather than helping the solution.  It is very important to remember that if you  support to the problem, you are actually contributing to it.  The tough love folks say walk away or detach which is at times a very apt solution....but not always.

Detachment is a very difficult thing to do with those we love.  We hear about detach with love, but how to do that?  My Buddhism informs me about how to do this.  First we have to look at all of our attachments and understand that they are one of the primary causes of suffering.  We make efforts to let loose of our tendency to cling.  Many of us dealing with impaired family members enable over and over until we get jaded and hateful or indifferent to the other.  This is not detachment with love.  We must let our loved ones suffer the consequences of their own actions.  Our task is to develop compassion, deep compassion toward these loved ones who are suffering.  It is a painful process.  It is so much easier to close our hearts off to them.  After all, we learn in Buddhism that suffering is part of the deal..it is a part of life that is unavoidable.

Here is what I do.   I think of myself as a container for the others suffering.  I feel the pain and sadness of their affliction.  I process my judgement and anger and transform it into compassion.  The other is not just deciding to be impaired.  I look at it as their Karma.  It is their path to figure out.  I offer help for movement toward solution and kindly refuse to bail them out or enable their suffering.  If someone with mental illness refuses treatment options I just see them as not ready yet to recover and love them through their process.  I see this all the time in my coaching practice.  I try to be, and come from where my client is without pushing.  I offer possible solutions and back of and let them figure out how to solve the problem and if they want to solve the problem.  It can take months or years for a person to be willing to give up overeating.  I sit with them and assist them with other issues that they are willing to work on.

It is much the same with family members.  We all have different paths and it is not our business to decide the shape or form that a loved ones path should take.  I watched my sister kill herself with food and unhealthy life style which included over work and lots of stress.  She was often mad at me and refused to have a relationship with me and I honored that, but I still held her in my heart with love.  I was so happy that we were finally able to reconnect around my moms issues.  She even said she was interested in my food plan, but I did not push.  Three weeks later she was dead.

Sometimes we have to detach unto death if that is the other persons path.  It is so sad, but just remember the sadness is full of love and compassion..

Until next time,

Be well

HEALTH CHALLENGES FOR BOOMERS

Michele Happe MA Certified health coach

March 11, 2015

I am in my 60’s.  As we age our body naturally deteriorates, we lose some brain capacity.  Our hair turns grey and our skin and bones get more thin and fragile.  I would like to define healthy aging as the ability to grow old gracefully and gently.  We all have to accept that the natural progression of things is toward decrepitude and eventually death.  As a Buddhist, I have contemplated death in the hope of accepting without fear its inevitability.  

So how do we stay healthy while aging.  First and foremost is to maintain a healthy weight.  This does not necessarily mean having the BMI of a 20 year old.  Skinny people do generally live longer but often that is a goal that is nearly impossible for some of us who have genetics that run contrary to skinniness.  There are standards that have been adopted for older people that are much more lenient yet still promote health and well being.  Overweight promotes heart disease, cardio vascular disease, diabetes, cancer and even Alzheimers.  

Exercise is also incredibly important.  Even a 20 minute walk is very helpful toward promoting health.  I do yoga, kettle bell swings, walking and stationary bike which I vary each day.  This helps build muscle and to circulate the blood.  The blood is the clearing house for toxins in our bodies and in our brains.  When our circulation is hampered it affects every aspect of our health.  

MY OWN PERSONAL CHALLENGE

In order to maintain a healthy weight I need to eat very few calories per day.  Before I lost this 30 lbs I was averaging about 1200 calories per day with lots of vegetables and very few carbs.  Menopause had a very profound effect on my weight.  I started the Take Shape For Life plan and rapidly lost the weight and began to feel so much better.  Maintenance has been very enlightening for me.  In order to maintain this weight I am pretty much staying on the same 5 and 1 plan that enabled me to lose the weight.  The temptation is to say that this is not fair but as my eating disorder mentor, Judi Hollis used to say, “the fair is in Pomona”….

Many say well i will just carry this weight and continue to eat the healthy foods that I love…but this clearly contradicts the concept of healthy weight.  So I am happily resigned to a regular diet of 900 calories daily in order to maintain my weight and believe me I am not skinny!!  Acceptance is the key here.  We have to accept the realities as they are.  I am in acceptance and am so grateful that I can eat six times per day, food that I love while keeping my caloric intake down.  

Getting older requires an attitude of acceptance of the erosion of our youthful vibrance.  Complaining just seems to further erode our health.  So the key is to focus on compassion for ourselves and others and to rely on the wisdom that comes with living many years on the planet.  The result of this is joy and gratitude which in itself promotes health.  

Until next time ……Be well

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

Michele Happe MA 

January 1, 2015

I don’t really believe in New Years resolutions.  My Buddhist practice teaches me that each day is precious and that living in the moment brings the most happiness.  I was asleep by 8 pm last night and I rose early at about 5 which is my favorite time of day.  

When my sister died of a heart attack at age 54, I realized that with the genetics in my family I could no longer rest on my laurels.  So I made the commitment to my health even more stringently.  I am early to bed and early to rise, to the occasional chagrin of my husband.  I eat in a healthy way 6 times per day with restricted calories.  I do indulge once per month and am always happy to return to my discipline after that wonderful day is over.  I exercise regularly in a moderate way.  I do walking, kettle bell swings, and restorative yoga except when I am sick…then I go to bed and rest until I have good energy to resume my activities.  

I nurture my spirt through spiritual practice in our Buddhist tradition.  I also have the opportunity to teach many of these general principles to my clients who use me for spiritual coaching as well as those who use me for health coaching.  

I read that the average weight gain over the holidays is 8 lbs.  Many over eat, over drink and are sleep deprived during this time of year.  The pressure that family brings often hits us the hardest especially those who grew up in dysfunctional families.  So the emotional toll can be great towards our general health and well being.  

January is typically a time of new clients who are trying to recover from a month of over doing.  I welcome anyone who wants to get on a healthier path.  If you are interested in health coaching remember the coaching is free.  Our plan is very healthy and satisfying.  

I do hope that you all have a wonderful healthy year one day at a time..

Blessings,

Michele

Finding a therapist

(this is an excerpt from a book I am writing on living with ADHD)

Therapy is a relationship with someone who is a few steps ahead of you. It is important to shop around until you find someone you are comfortable with. I will share with you some of my own preferences when I was looking for a therapist. I wanted someone who would share her own life with me when it was instructive to the therapy we were doing together. I preferred a woman because I wanted someone I felt understood women's issues and who communicated the way that I did. I also did not want the hassle of falling in love with my therapist in a sexual way. I felt safer working with a woman. Since I was working on addictive issues I wanted someone who had been to meetings and preferably was recovering. If they were not recovering I wanted them to be familiar with the 12 steps and who had been trained in addictions and codependency. Lots of therapists don't even believe that codependency exists. In my opinion, they just don't get it. I also wanted someone who understood the whole medication thing and who was comfortable working with MD's who prescribe medications. I found out later while working with my favorite therapist, Sally, that I needed someone who knew about sexual abuse and wacky family dysfunction as well.

I got lucky. At the time I did not have any idea what I needed. I just needed to feel comfortable to share my secrets and to know that my therapist was not perfect or holier than thou. Now I know and that is why I am attempting to pass this along to you.

I think it is very important for a therapist to admit mistakes when they happen. I happen to have a very shoot from the hip, blunt, forthright style. Because of this I occasionally will hurt a clients feelings. If they feel safe enough with me they know that they can confront me and that I will make amends for my error. This builds relationship.

As you can tell I am not much for the detached professional demeanor style of therapy. Some people need this to feel safe. They don't want to feel that their therapist even has a life. They want the therapist to just be there for them. This is fine too. It just important to know what you need before you go in to interview a therapist. That first session should be an interview. Do not feel obligated to return if it does not work for you. Your therapist works for you. You can hire or fire her or him at will. Just be sure that you are not avoiding the truth by quitting a particular therapist because she said something that was upsetting. First confront them with the upset and then see how they handle it. If it goes well and you feel that you were heard and acknowledged, then you will feel safer to expose yourself and to be in her care.

Again, it is important to be able to have a functional relationship with your therapist. If you are being diagnosed, it is your right to know what your diagnosis is and to be able to process your reactions to that diagnosis. If your therapist wants to recommend you to be evaluated for medication, she needs to be able to tell you why and to have a basic knowledge of brain chemistry and how medications work.

If you are into spirituality in your life it is a good idea to find a therapist who is open and well versed in her own spirituality. I am a Buddhist practitioner. I tell my clients that up front. I also let them know that I know a lot about Christianity and metaphysics too. I am able to convert many of the principles in Buddhism to similar Christian principles. If you are not at all into spirituality, your therapist should shut up about the subject and respect your point of view. It is a very bad idea for a therapist to impose their own world view on a client. I always ask permission to share about what I know about Buddhist principles. If they say no, which actually is rare, I don't mention it again.

Most of all you need to feel safe and comfortable while having respect for your therapists knowledge. I look at the therapeutic relationship as being sacred. It has the potential of being much more intimate that regular relationships. For this reason it is important to have a therapist who will not mix up the relationship with friendship. You may love each other very much but only in this very sacred professional way. I go to meetings and often see clients there. I will do fellowship after the meetings in the form of lunch or coffee and I don't hesitate to share these moments with my clients as long as it is in the context of the meeting. This is very difficult in a small town and I recommend talking freely about it with your therapist. This relationship is so sacred that often clients want to be friends too. I explain in the most loving way possible that I would not want to violate or taint the amazing thing that we have called the therapeutic relationship. It is difficult for many clients when they hear this and they may feel rejected. I try to be as compassionate and loving as possible as I explain the sacred nature of the relationship.

I hope this is helpful to any of you who feel that you might need therapy. It is a great and very bumpy ride full of surprises, thrills, and disappointments. Good fortune on your journey!

Corruption

Corruption is a human condition, a poison which all humans are capable of. When we are expressing our Buddha nature, we are incapable of corruption because we are motivated by compassion.

So how does corruption come into being. I believe that the basis for this is fear and a poor relationship with our own Buddha nature. We become convinced that the only way we can be happy is to be "better than". This is delusion. A person who violates others for his or her own gain is corrupt. This can occur on an interpersonal level or globally.

Interpersonally corrupt people are motivated to take advantage of others. They feel that they need to prove their "dominance" of others by making others feel small or less than. Unfortunately this feeling can only be fleeting because it is not real. So the corruption escalates or humility takes over when the corrupt person hits a bottom of sorts.

With addiction we get a false sense of power from the sensation of the "high". Most of our using times are spent chasing that original feeling of false equanimity that we feel in the early days of using. Since this is impossible to achieve, we then become ego driven to avoid the feelings of "incomprehensible demoralization" that our using causes. We are in aversion of the pain of our condition and aversion is one of the primary causes of suffering. This is a downward spiral that "gets worse, never better". Usually a person is ready to enter recovery when they realizes that they are living in a hell realm of addiction. They realized that this is not living, and there us usually a moment of clarity which involves a fervent desire to be truly alive. It can come after a near death experience or it can come for just being "sick and tired of being sick and tired".

We learn about the "horse thief" analogy once we find our way in sobriety. We learn that while using most of us are sociopathic. We lie cheat and steal as a way of life. Once we get sober two things can occur. We can become true to the traditions of recovery and become upstanding citizens or we can become a "sober horse thief". This is better known as a person who is a "dry drunk". This person is corrupt. Even though he may not use or drink, she may take advantage of others or will try to exert power and control over others. This person may have other behavioral addictions that have not been addressed such as sex addiction or codependency. These character flaws cause the person to live a life full of resentment and a drivenness to achieve a false kind of happiness devoid of compassion.
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On a social or global level this tendency is just multiplied. It congeals with others of like mind. Sometimes it is called congress or the senate, sometimes it is called the corporation. Humans are drawn to form systems because we are social animals. These systems become corrupt because they are made up of individuals who lack true compassion. Occasionally we see a politician or a corporation that seems to be built upon compassion. It was Dennis Kucinich who proposed the development of a "Department of Peace"...he was laughed at for that. There are many companies who function on a more compassionate basis like Ben and Jerry's Ice cream....but they struggle and often have to sell to a less compassionate corporation who has "success".

The only way to heal from corruption is to understand that it is built upon delusional power and can only bring about unhappiness and suffering. We must become committed to principles of compassion and the end result will be happiness and humor. Just look at the Dalai Lama who most of the time is very goofy and childlike while running his beleaguered nation that was taken over by a corrupt country. He displays wisdom and skill and continues to be healthy and shows very little anger. He is a model for all of us whether we are people in recovery from whatever, or corporations or even nations.

My segment of the Corey Farley show from March 25th

Finding a therapist

(this is an excerpt from a book I am writing on living with ADHD)

Therapy is a relationship with someone who is a few steps ahead of you. It is important to shop around until you find someone you are comfortable with. I will share with you some of my own preferences when I was looking for a therapist. I wanted someone who would share her own life with me when it was instructive to the therapy we were doing together. I preferred a woman because I wanted someone I felt understood women's issues and who communicated the way that I did. I also did not want the hassle of falling in love with my therapist in a sexual way. I felt safer working with a woman. Since I was working on addictive issues I wanted someone who had been to meetings and preferably was recovering. If they were not recovering I wanted them to be familiar with the 12 steps and who had been trained in addictions and codependency. Lots of therapists don't even believe that codependency exists. In my opinion, they just don't get it. I also wanted someone who understood the whole medication thing and who was comfortable working with MD's who prescribe medications. I found out later while working with my favorite therapist, Sally, that I needed someone who knew about sexual abuse and wacky family dysfunction as well.

I got lucky. At the time I did not have any idea what I needed. I just needed to feel comfortable to share my secrets and to know that my therapist was not perfect or holier than thou. Now I know and that is why I am attempting to pass this along to you.

I think it is very important for a therapist to admit mistakes when they happen. I happen to have a very shoot from the hip, blunt, forthright style. Because of this I occasionally will hurt a clients feelings. If they feel safe enough with me they know that they can confront me and that I will make amends for my error. This builds relationship.

As you can tell I am not much for the detached professional demeanor style of therapy. Some people need this to feel safe. They don't want to feel that their therapist even has a life. They want the therapist to just be there for them. This is fine too. It just important to know what you need before you go in to interview a therapist. That first session should be an interview. Do not feel obligated to return if it does not work for you. Your therapist works for you. You can hire or fire her or him at will. Just be sure that you are not avoiding the truth by quitting a particular therapist because she said something that was upsetting. First confront them with the upset and then see how they handle it. If it goes well and you feel that you were heard and acknowledged, then you will feel safer to expose yourself and to be in her care.

Again, it is important to be able to have a functional relationship with your therapist. If you are being diagnosed, it is your right to know what your diagnosis is and to be able to process your reactions to that diagnosis. If your therapist wants to recommend you to be evaluated for medication, she needs to be able to tell you why and to have a basic knowledge of brain chemistry and how medications work.

If you are into spirituality in your life it is a good idea to find a therapist who is open and well versed in her own spirituality. I am a Buddhist practitioner. I tell my clients that up front. I also let them know that I know a lot about Christianity and metaphysics too. I am able to convert many of the principles in Buddhism to similar Christian principles. If you are not at all into spirituality, your therapist should shut up about the subject and respect your point of view. It is a very bad idea for a therapist to impose their own world view on a client. I always ask permission to share about what I know about Buddhist principles. If they say no, which actually is rare, I don't mention it again.

Most of all you need to feel safe and comfortable while having respect for your therapists knowledge. I look at the therapeutic relationship as being sacred. It has the potential of being much more intimate that regular relationships. For this reason it is important to have a therapist who will not mix up the relationship with friendship. You may love each other very much but only in this very sacred professional way. I go to meetings and often see clients there. I will do fellowship after the meetings in the form of lunch or coffee and I don't hesitate to share these moments with my clients as long as it is in the context of the meeting. This is very difficult in a small town and I recommend talking freely about it with your therapist. This relationship is so sacred that often clients want to be friends too. I explain in the most loving way possible that I would not want to violate or taint the amazing thing that we have called the therapeutic relationship. It is difficult for many clients when they hear this and they may feel rejected. I try to be as compassionate and loving as possible as I explain the sacred nature of the relationship.

I hope this is helpful to any of you who feel that you might need therapy. It is a great and very bumpy ride full of surprises, thrills, and disappointments. Good fortune on your journey!