I am listening to a book called Outshining Trauma. Ralph De La Rosa speaks to me so deeply. As a Buddhist practitioner I believe that the principles we learn and revere can not only heal trauma but can promote true happiness and even help with the attainment of unceasing wisdom and compassion.
Compassion is the key. One of my great pleasures in life is reading a list of people who are currently suffering. Reading their names out loud make me feel love for myself as an opening of my heart and love for them as I think of them throughout the day.
Trauma does not go away. It ebbs and flows based on our experiences in life. In order to heal from trauma I encourage and have achieved a relationship with it. First we embrace whatever happened to us whether it was losing a home from a tornado(PTSD), COVID, or repeated abuse and neglect in our family culture(COMPLEX PTSD). We send love and compassion to ourselves as the person who is experiencing the trigger which is disregulating to the point that we can enter fight or flight behavior.
In the nineties inner child work was the rage. It seemed hokey and I attended meetings where people were holding teddy bears or dolls representing their inner child. I benefitted greatly by looking at a picture of my sad little self at 3 when the abuse started and deciding that I would be her protector. This is how you develop self compassion. It is amazing how many of my clients who are able to detach from their own traumatic experiences by rationalizing excuses for the one who targeted them but find it so hard to send love to the being who was so deeply affected by the abuser. Being able to develop self compassion takes practice.
Mindfulness and a searching and fearless inventory
Primary tenants of Buddhism are to be authentic and true to who we are. Once we have been traumatized much of our identity gets hidden due to shame, anger, guilt and we pretend or mask to seem well adjusted or just ok. This makes getting reactivated from a trigger so much more possible. I take many of my clients through an inventory that asks probing questions about childhood adolescence and adulthood. It is pretty exhaustive. Their answers culminate in developing patterns of character strengths as well as character flaws. They come to know who they are, what their triggers are and the patterns that set them up for increased suffering. This process activates authenticity.
Mindfulness is a teaching that asks us to be an observer of our own mind and to point out to ourselves where we are engaging in delusional thinking. What is most important about mindfulness is to be able to send love and compassion to our delusional thinking which makes it possible to train our minds to the truth that we know in our hearts....that we have our own pure wisdom and compassion within us and that to be born human, past karma puts obstacles and obscurations in our way of this true nature of our own mind. When we accept this we are then capable of transforming our own mind which sets the scene for true healing of trauma.
A helpful tool is to embrace our hurt little child in the loving arms of your own inner parent. This part of us exists to sooth our pain and open ourselves up to the truth who we are and that we deserve- compassion from self and others. We develop a relationship with our trauma and love it back to health. I tell my clients who bathe themselves in guilt and shame for what they have been through that if they keep that up Ill need to call child protective services on them because we don't treat children that way. They usually get it instantly and we laugh together. One of my clients who went through horrific trauma in childhood is stuck with an inner mantra which says, "it wasn't that bad". When she is able to release the mantra and claim it to be delusional, her work will then be able to gain insight and the ability to truly heal.
With practice we get better at mindfulness and authenticity and we come to ask ourselves important questions like "am I unnecessarily beating up myself internally" and "could I be taking better care of myself by setting boundaries with others and myself with compassion?" "Am I in a relationship that is a trauma bond". Just being able to ask this question of ourselves is the path to great awareness and gradually the ability to structure our lives that enable us to be happy and productive rather than trying to fit into a norm by masking and pretending that we are "OK" which only makes our suffering worse. We are OK only when we are able be our true self. This is why as a coach I am very much an open book and am happy to share the path that got me here and the mistakes I make every day. It is important to embrace imperfection as a being in the human realm. It is part of the deal. We embrace this with love but don't make it a justification for our less than enlightened behavior. And we press on and practice and grow by increments.
Support for this process is essential, whether it is with a therapist, coach, support group or fellow survivor who is on the healing path. We cannot do this alone. Our trauma is a part of our history. With mindful awareness when we get reactivated by a present experience and can name it as a trigger and then re regulate through meditation, a phone call to a friend, a call to our coach, a call to our own inner loving parent or even a YouTube video that is soothing and we are right back in healing mode. In this sense we are developing a healthy relationship to our own trauma. We embrace the fact that all emotions are fleeting, impermanent and will pass. We are now in this moment to be happy and productive humans. We are enabled to be IN the present moment which hold the full potential for health happiness and the ability to pass on our healing to others who suffer.
In the next part I will talking more about health. For now:
Much love and be well,
Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com 775 230-1507
Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and my Psychology Today page
Comments are welcomed
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