Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Blaming Out: The Blamer is the One to Lose

Michele Happe MA
October 28, 2014
Have you ever been blamed for another’s short fall? This is a very frustrating thing to experience.
Here is a scenario: “Did you do that task you said you would do last night? “
Answer: “Well you said it wasn’t that important!”
The appropriate response would be, “No I forgot, sorry”…end of story.
When this happens a short conversation can be lengthened into a long, mean spirited argument. The ego does not like to be blamed for what it is not responsible for so we tend to defend against the “attack”….
But what about the blamer? What does he lose?
The need to blame out comes from a place of shame. Often those who make frequent errors of memory who feel the need to be right will do this. Unfortunately, this tendency robs the blamer of the necessary human quality of remorse. If he blames out he can be “right”.
Remorse gives us an opportunity to take responsibility for our actions. It enables us to hone our skills and to do better in the future. As long as it does not morph into self blaming, it is a healthy way of becoming more enlightened over time.
Perfectionism is most likely the culprit here or at least a sense that it is very very bad to be wrong. Unfortunately perfectionism leads to procrastination and eventually paralysis. If we are in this squirrel cage we are forever stuck in the dynamic of defense. We can never become empowered by our mistakes which are the source of our further development.
Blamers also pretend that nothing ever happened in an effort to cover up their lack of rightness. They want the focus off of them so they divert in a nice way so as to end being seen.
It really is so sad isn’t it? When this happens to you try to connect to the sadness rather than developing resentment toward the blamer. It is very challenging but in the end your heart will be warm rather than cold toward the person who uses this tactic.
Until next time: Be well

No comments: