THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN NARCISSISM AND CODEPENDENCY

 I have been seeing lots of posts on Facebook about people giving in to others who take advantage of them. Examples are loaning money that is not returned, doing favors for others that are not in the end, helpful, continuing toxic relationships because of guilt about being "cold hearted".

There is a dance in codependency that involves the intimate relationship between codependents and narcissistic types. To better understand codependency let me share my favorite codependent joke.

Two codependents have sex. In the afterglow one says to the other, "well it was good for you, how was it for me"?

Codependents lack a healthy relationship with self. They are prone to put others first before their own needs. This is unhealthy.

Narcissists also have an unhealthy relationship with self. They put themselves above all else. They use others toward their own ends and exploit relationships without feelings of guilt or remorse. They push blame off on others and are unable to see their own part in wrong doing.

It is easy to see how codependents and narcissists get hooked up. It is like two pieces of the puzzle coming together. One is the easy mark for the other. But there is a deeper connection.

It is found that there are familial links to this interaction. If you have one parent who is narcissistic you are likely to become either codependent or narcissistic yourself. If you have two narcissistic parents the same holds true.

Once a person begins to recover from codependency, they are able to begin setting boundaries and standing up to the narcissist. It is very difficult for all humans to conceive of someone who is totally bereft of the ability to empathize and learn from previous mistakes. The primary mistake the codependent makes is to give the benefit of the doubt to the narcissistic partner because it is so hard to fathom someone could be so selfish and unyielding. Thus the dynamic begins.

The good news for the codependent is that there is hope for recovery once they fully understand that the narcissist lacks that ability of compassion, which defines us as humans. Since codependents are quick to blame themselves for problems they are able to work well with a therapist to make changes. Not so for the narcissist. They are stuck in their own world of non blame and hence are pathological unable to change. How can one change if they are unable to see that there is anything wrong with them?

I highly recommend Codependents Anonymous for those who are attempting to free themselves for relationships that are toxic and abusive. It is a program full of specific guidelines for recovery from this type of harmful relationship. Go to http://www.coda.org/ for a plethora of information on the topic.

As far as help for the narcissist...hmmmm, well the best thing is to shake the dust off your feet and steer clear so they don't get a chance to use you. The only hope for the narcissist is that they develop addiction and can seek help for that where they might learn a different way to relate to the world. Alcoholics Anonymous is currently the best treatment modality for the narcissistic type...but chances for recovery are slim.

I’m Happe to help

Phone: 775 230-1507. Email:mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

I welcome your comments

THE COW BURP MYTH....

For years we have been told that cow burps produce methane which is responsible for global warming so stop eating meat!.   The problem with this concept is that scientists are conflating methane with CO2 in error. CO2 is the primary cause of warming. I will make all this as simple and understandable as I can and I’ll post a very geeky video which explains this with citations.  OK here goes.

Methane is emitted from cow burps...methane has a life span of 10 years and then it is converted to CO2 and is stored in the ground.  CO2 is primarily released from industry like factories, cars, and other fossil fuel burners. This CO2 is released into the atmosphere and has a 1000 year life span.  If cow herds are maintained at current size climate stability is maintained.  Fossil fuel burners are continually feeding the atmosphere so the CO2 rises exponentially.  This takes me back to Al Gores lectures on fossil fuels and the climate.  

If there is an increase in cows then methane  help to increase global warming so we need to be very careful to prevent this.  To go a step further we can reduce the current effect of cow burps by covering lagoons on dairy farms and converting the entrapped methane to fuel that is more sustainable and ecologically healing rather than harming since this step will contribute to global cooling.

here is the very geeky video, trust me its really good.

I am an advocate of regenerative ranching rather than factory farming and ranching.  There are wonderful benefits.  They are:

    Improved soil health and fertility-using rotational grazing, cover crops and no tilling.

    Increased carbon sequestration- rotational grazing and cover crops bolster the soil's organic matter                which stores more carbon that is not released into the atmosphere.

    Reduced input costs-  by decreasing operating expenses, increasing efficiency and profits for the                       rancher.

    Boosting health through enhanced biodiversity-  rotational grazing contributes to balanced                         ecosystems and overall health of pastures, livestock and improved productivity.  This safeguards                 natural resources.  

    Opportunities for soil carbon farming.-Carbon credits can be traded increasing profit margins.

    Cattle welfare- utilizing sustainable ranching benefits cattle by giving them a more nutritious diet, less             disease and stress and a stable habitat giving consistent forage availability

                                        (http://maiagrazing.com)

Well there you go.  Now you are armed with the science that dispels the myth of cow burps!  The erroneous conflation of methane and CO2 seems to be enough to contribute to our mistrust of everything in the media.  The answer is do your own research or read blogs like this one and watch the videos on this subject  

Until then, 

I am Happe to help...call me: 775 230-1507 or email me: mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

Be well, 

Michele

BIG FOOD AND BIG PHARMA--They profit off our illness and why our nutrition guidelines are making us sick.

Follow the $$$$$$

Nina Teicholz is one of my hero's.  She is a journalist who has been studying our nutrition guidelines for years.  Obesity is a problem worldwide and even those countries like India where there is not as much obesity, Type 2 diabetes is endemic there.  Low and no carb eating is the fastest and most effective way to lose weight but it is consistantly touted as being unsustainable and should only be done short term.  When we look at those who have lost weight by burning ketones for fuel, most all of their other metabolic health markers improve.  Resolution of type 2 diabetes, crones, heart disease, cancer, migraine, schizophrenia and autism are just a few.  

In the US just over 50% of the population is obese and over 70% are overweight.  Obesity is linked to all of the above metabolic chronic diseases.  MD's have bought the propaganda that the best way to be healthy is plant based, low fat high carb....and stay away from meat!!  Politicians are even saying that plant based is better and only men go carnivore.  We know that 50% of carnivore followers are women.  

To understand how this can happen follow the money to find out how the USDA  (United States Dietary Association) is funded. Since the Nixon administration decided it would be a good idea to make our health care system profitable, corporations have infiltrated all aspects of our lives including Pharma, food, and medical.  Just look at this.  

I won't get into further detail about this but of course I will include Nina's update on the state for our national and global nutrition policies.  It is gobsmacking.  

This video is sobering but very important to contributing to the paradigm shift that is necessary for all of us to get healthy again.  

I am Happe to help.....775 230-1507.  email: mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

until next time be well and please subscribe and share…

HELPING TWEENS AND TEENS WITH CODEPENDENCY ISSUES

LEARN IN ORDER TO TEACH

 I was recently working with a couple who have concerns about their 13 year old daughter.  We talked about what codependency looks like in a teen and how to deal with it.  I told them I would look for books on recovery from codependency for teens and found nothing...hence this blogpost and maybe later a book. 

Dealing with teens can be very difficult as they are in a transitional stage from childhood into adulthood.  They have been bombarded with hormones and often deal with their changing bodies with discomfort.  Acne, braces, periods, crazy sex drive, nighttime emissions are all new things that can cause insecurities and mood changes.  

When my son was going through this time I just felt that he had started to hate me.  He was withdrawn and irritable.  I didn't realize at the time that this was a temporary condition.  It was very difficult for both of us and I made many mistakes along with many strides in terms of parenting a teen.  

The best preparation for helping a teen with codependency issues is teaching them from birth a few essential concepts which will prevent difficulties later on.  I always tell my clients with children that their children are substantially cooked by age 11 or 12 maybe earlier.  After 13 our approach as parents needs to differ considerably.  Mandates and direct advice are likely to be argued or rebelled against which is a normal and healthy reaction from a teen who needs to individuate from parents as they cross the divide into adulthood.  It is important to share and commiserate rather than to "parent" the teen.  Ask them questions and draw them into possible solutions for problems they are having.  This enables them to feel more comfortable thinking for themselves.  Reading books together or watching educational videos with discussion after is important as well. There are many dramatic shows and movies that are also thought provoking which can foster a more adult relationship between parent and teen.  

Keeping it simple in terms of interpersonal health is also important to teach our very young children.  I will illustrate a few of those here.

BOUNDARIES

Teaching young ones healthy boundaries is essential to interpersonal health.  Establishing rules of respect in the house such as always knocking and getting permission to enter a room.  Parents as well as children must respect this boundary.  Teaching our children that psychological abuse, violence and bullying are unacceptable is essential.  This means parents must refrain from violence to their children and each other as well.  Respect grows out of healthy boundaries.  Fear does not foster respect.  It fosters resentment in the developing teen.  We all have a right to be listened to and heard.  Teaching our children active empathetic listening is helpful for the whole family.  Many parents believe all couple conflicts must be done in private, away from the children.  I disagree.  It is helpful for children to witness conflict resolution so that they can take that skill into adulthood instead of becoming conflict averse or avoidant.  We all have rights as humans...these rights extend into our family as well.  Respectful communication must be insisted upon but parents need to hone this skill before they can teach it to their children.

FOCUSING ON SELF RATHER THAN OTHER

A prime symptom of codependency is the tendency to identify with the other rather than self.  My favorite oft repeated joke is "two codependents have sex and one says to the other, well it was good for you, how was it for me?"  The method for teaching healthy respect of self to our children is to teach them to acknowledge how they are feeling, to identify feelings and that their feelings are important.  As a Buddhist I teach that all feelings must be acknowledged and then transformed into compassion for self and other.  If these skills are not taught early the child becomes fused or enmeshed with others rather than individuated.  

THE KINDNESS DILEMMA

The boundary between compassion and codependency is very murky.  A rule of thumb to teach our children is that if kindness to another causes self harm....its codependent.  If kindness causes no self harm it is interdependent which is the healthy state of kindness.  This is a very nuanced distinction.  It demands that both personal boundaries and the ability to focus on self rather than other must be internalized.  It demands that parents must learn and adopt the same principles they are teaching to their children.  

SOLUTIONS

The bitter truth about helping our teens is that often it is too late and we have to let them learn their lessons the hard way.  Many codependent children will become addicted in one form or another.  I have found that while helping many addicts recover, the underlying issues are codependency.  Recovery is certainly possible but prevention is a much better form of recovery.

Prevention is an uphill battle because our culture is full of the mistakes that cause codependency.  Racism, violence, male privilege, social inequities, authoritarianism are all cultural symptoms that lead to codependency.  Religions often teach women to put up with abuse for the sake of the children.  Men who are abused by wives are seen as weak if they intervene or leave the relationship. Girls are taught that assertiveness must be hidden through manipulation and underhandedness hence the mean girl syndrome.  I could go on and on but that is a possible discussion for further blogs or even a book. 

CONCLUSION

If you are concerned for you teen the first step is get help for any codependency or addiction issues you may personally have.  Codependents anonymous and other 12 step programs are very helpful.  Have discussions with your teen when watching programs that show symptoms of codependency.  It is important to remember that the most common codependent diad is to hook up with a narcissist.  Please see my blog here about the Relationship between Codependency and Narcissism.  

Avoid avoidance.....start communication in the family with compassion, calm, and respect.  Interrupt boundary violations with veto power...what you say no to.  A common phrase I teach is "I can't allow you to treat me this way". 

I wish you hope as you progress on this journey of healing and growth.  It is a bumpy messy road which promises much reward.  Until then.....

Be well

I welcome comments, questions and suggestions. 

 

People of the Lie or why people so tenaciously hang on to dis-information…A Buddhist perspective

Michele Happe MA

September 14 2015

I was on the radio recently talking about the work of Brendan Nyhan who is conducting research at Yale Law school.  His experiments indicate that when people have a partisan stance about certain issues like Gun Control, Climate Change, and WMD’s in Iraq that they are very tenacious to their views even when presented with evidence that contradicts these views.  In fact he points out that at times there is a “back fire phenomenon” which causes people to become even more further entrenched in their views.  He says that this is true about both liberals and conservatives when they are partisans.  He says that it is folly to try to convince these individuals using facts and that using this tactic  is generally a waste of time.  

There are many psychological issues that prop up this research.  For one the concept of cognitive dissonance makes it very difficult to change our minds when a paradigm shift is required to accept the contrary evidence.  A book by Thomas Kuhn called the Structure of Scientific Revolution is about how difficult it is for paradigms to be shifted when it necessitates a change in world view.  There is a critical amount of discomfort required for these kinds of fundamental paradigm shifts to occur and before that point, humans will go literally to war and resort to violence to prop up their ill informed views.  

John Dean, former legal adviser to Richard Nixon wrote a book about another psychological tendency around issues.  He talked about the authoritarian type.  This is a type of person who needs to be lead (follower) by another authoritarian (leader).  This psychological condition amounts to being childish and fearful.  Just tell me what to do and I will be ok.  Fox news is full of authoritarian leaders but John Dean used Dick Cheney as a perfect example.  

  I don’t think it is any mistake that a common reaction after 911 was mass fear and many on the right used that fear to prop up their plans to make the conservative agenda popular in order for the Republicans to win into perpetuity.  Of course the supreme court helped out by stopping the vote count  in Florida in the election between George Bush and Al Gore who by the way would have won the popular vote.  Fox news started spreading fear with the imminent possibility of a “mushroom cloud”,  another attack and lack of safety in our “homeland” and they used many other wedge issues such as abortion and immigration to increase peoples fear of xenophobia.  The conservatives also capitalized on nationalism after the attack on the twin towers which also stokes xenophobia and fear of the future.  Jeb Bush, not George bush was a signatory to the Product for a New American Century or PENAC which knew that an attack on our country would sufficiently foment fear so that the conservatives could gain and keep power.  When it happened they were ready.

 I cannot tell you how many women have complained in my private practice that their husbands are obsessed with Fox News and that since listening 24/7, they have become angry and hateful in other words terrified and attached to the lie.  It has even broken up a few relationships due to excessive anger in the partner and attachment to hateful right wing policies.  Fox news has been proven to be very inaccurate in their reporting but the disinformation used by them causes more fear and hatred which in turn causes people to be ultra opinionated and even more attached to their world view(backfire effect)  

We do see this in some on the left as well such as liberal Jews supporting right wing political leaders in Israel, Also extreme attachment to Obama and also to Hilary Clinton even though both support neolibral policies which the supporter might be against.  This is due to partisanship. Here is a definition of partisanship: an  inclination to favor one group or view or opinion over alternatives

  In Buddhism we look at the primary causes of suffering.  Basically they are attachment to opinion, hatred, fear, anger and selfishness.  We are taught over and over that we are instructed to abandon  all views in order to created joy and happiness.  We are instructed to have a neutral mindset regarding all concepts that are the result of the egos beliefs.  This is a very tall order because most of us have fear about so many things from fear of death to fear of another attack like that which happened on September 11, 2001.  When we train our mind suffiiently we are able to better disengage from the emotional attachment that leads to partisanship in the first place.  We are more able to enjoy the ride and be humble about not knowing.  

Most importantly we need to divest ourselves of the need to change other peoples minds.  They have a right to their delusions just as do we.  As the Dali Lama was asked his opinion after meeting president Bush, His response was, “he had very good cookies”.  

Until next time be well

A WORD ABOUT ENABLING

Michele Happe MA
April 3, 2015

Most of us have someone in our life who is suffering from either addiction, untreated mental illness, or other personality issues.  It is human nature to want to help the afflicted especially if they are loved ones.  Often we make the mistake of helping the problem rather than helping the solution.  It is very important to remember that if you  support to the problem, you are actually contributing to it.  The tough love folks say walk away or detach which is at times a very apt solution....but not always.

Detachment is a very difficult thing to do with those we love.  We hear about detach with love, but how to do that?  My Buddhism informs me about how to do this.  First we have to look at all of our attachments and understand that they are one of the primary causes of suffering.  We make efforts to let loose of our tendency to cling.  Many of us dealing with impaired family members enable over and over until we get jaded and hateful or indifferent to the other.  This is not detachment with love.  We must let our loved ones suffer the consequences of their own actions.  Our task is to develop compassion, deep compassion toward these loved ones who are suffering.  It is a painful process.  It is so much easier to close our hearts off to them.  After all, we learn in Buddhism that suffering is part of the deal..it is a part of life that is unavoidable.

Here is what I do.   I think of myself as a container for the others suffering.  I feel the pain and sadness of their affliction.  I process my judgement and anger and transform it into compassion.  The other is not just deciding to be impaired.  I look at it as their Karma.  It is their path to figure out.  I offer help for movement toward solution and kindly refuse to bail them out or enable their suffering.  If someone with mental illness refuses treatment options I just see them as not ready yet to recover and love them through their process.  I see this all the time in my coaching practice.  I try to be, and come from where my client is without pushing.  I offer possible solutions and back of and let them figure out how to solve the problem and if they want to solve the problem.  It can take months or years for a person to be willing to give up overeating.  I sit with them and assist them with other issues that they are willing to work on.

It is much the same with family members.  We all have different paths and it is not our business to decide the shape or form that a loved ones path should take.  I watched my sister kill herself with food and unhealthy life style which included over work and lots of stress.  She was often mad at me and refused to have a relationship with me and I honored that, but I still held her in my heart with love.  I was so happy that we were finally able to reconnect around my moms issues.  She even said she was interested in my food plan, but I did not push.  Three weeks later she was dead.

Sometimes we have to detach unto death if that is the other persons path.  It is so sad, but just remember the sadness is full of love and compassion..

Until next time,

Be well

HEALTH CHALLENGES FOR BOOMERS

Michele Happe MA Certified health coach

March 11, 2015

I am in my 60’s.  As we age our body naturally deteriorates, we lose some brain capacity.  Our hair turns grey and our skin and bones get more thin and fragile.  I would like to define healthy aging as the ability to grow old gracefully and gently.  We all have to accept that the natural progression of things is toward decrepitude and eventually death.  As a Buddhist, I have contemplated death in the hope of accepting without fear its inevitability.  

So how do we stay healthy while aging.  First and foremost is to maintain a healthy weight.  This does not necessarily mean having the BMI of a 20 year old.  Skinny people do generally live longer but often that is a goal that is nearly impossible for some of us who have genetics that run contrary to skinniness.  There are standards that have been adopted for older people that are much more lenient yet still promote health and well being.  Overweight promotes heart disease, cardio vascular disease, diabetes, cancer and even Alzheimers.  

Exercise is also incredibly important.  Even a 20 minute walk is very helpful toward promoting health.  I do yoga, kettle bell swings, walking and stationary bike which I vary each day.  This helps build muscle and to circulate the blood.  The blood is the clearing house for toxins in our bodies and in our brains.  When our circulation is hampered it affects every aspect of our health.  

MY OWN PERSONAL CHALLENGE

In order to maintain a healthy weight I need to eat very few calories per day.  Before I lost this 30 lbs I was averaging about 1200 calories per day with lots of vegetables and very few carbs.  Menopause had a very profound effect on my weight.  I started the Take Shape For Life plan and rapidly lost the weight and began to feel so much better.  Maintenance has been very enlightening for me.  In order to maintain this weight I am pretty much staying on the same 5 and 1 plan that enabled me to lose the weight.  The temptation is to say that this is not fair but as my eating disorder mentor, Judi Hollis used to say, “the fair is in Pomona”….

Many say well i will just carry this weight and continue to eat the healthy foods that I love…but this clearly contradicts the concept of healthy weight.  So I am happily resigned to a regular diet of 900 calories daily in order to maintain my weight and believe me I am not skinny!!  Acceptance is the key here.  We have to accept the realities as they are.  I am in acceptance and am so grateful that I can eat six times per day, food that I love while keeping my caloric intake down.  

Getting older requires an attitude of acceptance of the erosion of our youthful vibrance.  Complaining just seems to further erode our health.  So the key is to focus on compassion for ourselves and others and to rely on the wisdom that comes with living many years on the planet.  The result of this is joy and gratitude which in itself promotes health.  

Until next time ……Be well

Blaming Out: The Blamer is the One to Lose

Michele Happe MA
October 28, 2014

Have you ever been blamed for another’s short fall? This is a very frustrating thing to experience.

Here is a scenario: “Did you do that task you said you would do last night? “

Answer: “Well you said it wasn’t that important!”

The appropriate response would be, “No I forgot, sorry”…end of story.

When this happens a short conversation can be lengthened into a long, mean spirited argument. The ego does not like to be blamed for what it is not responsible for so we tend to defend against the “attack”….

But what about the blamer? What does he lose?

The need to blame out comes from a place of shame. Often those who make frequent errors of memory who feel the need to be right will do this. Unfortunately, this tendency robs the blamer of the necessary human quality of remorse. If he blames out he can be “right”.

Remorse gives us an opportunity to take responsibility for our actions. It enables us to hone our skills and to do better in the future. As long as it does not morph into self blaming, it is a healthy way of becoming more enlightened over time.

Perfectionism is most likely the culprit here or at least a sense that it is very very bad to be wrong. Unfortunately perfectionism leads to procrastination and eventually paralysis. If we are in this squirrel cage we are forever stuck in the dynamic of defense. We can never become empowered by our mistakes which are the source of our further development.

Blamers also pretend that nothing ever happened in an effort to cover up their lack of rightness. They want the focus off of them so they divert in a nice way so as to end being seen.

It really is so sad isn’t it? When this happens to you try to connect to the sadness rather than developing resentment toward the blamer. It is very challenging but in the end your heart will be warm rather than cold toward the person who uses this tactic.

Until next time: Be well