HELPING TWEENS AND TEENS WITH CODEPENDENCY ISSUES

LEARN IN ORDER TO TEACH

 I was recently working with a couple who have concerns about their 13 year old daughter.  We talked about what codependency looks like in a teen and how to deal with it.  I told them I would look for books on recovery from codependency for teens and found nothing...hence this blogpost and maybe later a book. 

Dealing with teens can be very difficult as they are in a transitional stage from childhood into adulthood.  They have been bombarded with hormones and often deal with their changing bodies with discomfort.  Acne, braces, periods, crazy sex drive, nighttime emissions are all new things that can cause insecurities and mood changes.  

When my son was going through this time I just felt that he had started to hate me.  He was withdrawn and irritable.  I didn't realize at the time that this was a temporary condition.  It was very difficult for both of us and I made many mistakes along with many strides in terms of parenting a teen.  

The best preparation for helping a teen with codependency issues is teaching them from birth a few essential concepts which will prevent difficulties later on.  I always tell my clients with children that their children are substantially cooked by age 11 or 12 maybe earlier.  After 13 our approach as parents needs to differ considerably.  Mandates and direct advice are likely to be argued or rebelled against which is a normal and healthy reaction from a teen who needs to individuate from parents as they cross the divide into adulthood.  It is important to share and commiserate rather than to "parent" the teen.  Ask them questions and draw them into possible solutions for problems they are having.  This enables them to feel more comfortable thinking for themselves.  Reading books together or watching educational videos with discussion after is important as well. There are many dramatic shows and movies that are also thought provoking which can foster a more adult relationship between parent and teen.  

Keeping it simple in terms of interpersonal health is also important to teach our very young children.  I will illustrate a few of those here.

BOUNDARIES

Teaching young ones healthy boundaries is essential to interpersonal health.  Establishing rules of respect in the house such as always knocking and getting permission to enter a room.  Parents as well as children must respect this boundary.  Teaching our children that psychological abuse, violence and bullying are unacceptable is essential.  This means parents must refrain from violence to their children and each other as well.  Respect grows out of healthy boundaries.  Fear does not foster respect.  It fosters resentment in the developing teen.  We all have a right to be listened to and heard.  Teaching our children active empathetic listening is helpful for the whole family.  Many parents believe all couple conflicts must be done in private, away from the children.  I disagree.  It is helpful for children to witness conflict resolution so that they can take that skill into adulthood instead of becoming conflict averse or avoidant.  We all have rights as humans...these rights extend into our family as well.  Respectful communication must be insisted upon but parents need to hone this skill before they can teach it to their children.

FOCUSING ON SELF RATHER THAN OTHER

A prime symptom of codependency is the tendency to identify with the other rather than self.  My favorite oft repeated joke is "two codependents have sex and one says to the other, well it was good for you, how was it for me?"  The method for teaching healthy respect of self to our children is to teach them to acknowledge how they are feeling, to identify feelings and that their feelings are important.  As a Buddhist I teach that all feelings must be acknowledged and then transformed into compassion for self and other.  If these skills are not taught early the child becomes fused or enmeshed with others rather than individuated.  

THE KINDNESS DILEMMA

The boundary between compassion and codependency is very murky.  A rule of thumb to teach our children is that if kindness to another causes self harm....its codependent.  If kindness causes no self harm it is interdependent which is the healthy state of kindness.  This is a very nuanced distinction.  It demands that both personal boundaries and the ability to focus on self rather than other must be internalized.  It demands that parents must learn and adopt the same principles they are teaching to their children.  

SOLUTIONS

The bitter truth about helping our teens is that often it is too late and we have to let them learn their lessons the hard way.  Many codependent children will become addicted in one form or another.  I have found that while helping many addicts recover, the underlying issues are codependency.  Recovery is certainly possible but prevention is a much better form of recovery.

Prevention is an uphill battle because our culture is full of the mistakes that cause codependency.  Racism, violence, male privilege, social inequities, authoritarianism are all cultural symptoms that lead to codependency.  Religions often teach women to put up with abuse for the sake of the children.  Men who are abused by wives are seen as weak if they intervene or leave the relationship. Girls are taught that assertiveness must be hidden through manipulation and underhandedness hence the mean girl syndrome.  I could go on and on but that is a possible discussion for further blogs or even a book. 

CONCLUSION

If you are concerned for you teen the first step is get help for any codependency or addiction issues you may personally have.  Codependents anonymous and other 12 step programs are very helpful.  Have discussions with your teen when watching programs that show symptoms of codependency.  It is important to remember that the most common codependent diad is to hook up with a narcissist.  Please see my blog here about the Relationship between Codependency and Narcissism.  

Avoid avoidance.....start communication in the family with compassion, calm, and respect.  Interrupt boundary violations with veto power...what you say no to.  A common phrase I teach is "I can't allow you to treat me this way". 

I wish you hope as you progress on this journey of healing and growth.  It is a bumpy messy road which promises much reward.  Until then.....

Be well

I welcome comments, questions and suggestions. 

 

Maintaining Health During the Holidays: Coping with Food, Alcohol, Spending and more

Michele Happe MA

The holiday season is filled with expectations.  It is family time and a time for giving.  We are bombarded with ads showing happy healthy families together as well as pressure to buy expensive articles commencing with "black Friday" sales. 

Food is an  ever present focus of the holidays.  If you work in an office it is usually filled with sweets for the taking.  Parties and get togethers are expected.  This all can be very overwhelming for most of us and particularly for those suffering from issues like food and alcohol attachment.  I prefer the term attachment rather than addiction as I find it more accurately descriptive and less stigmatizing.

For those of us with attachment issues this time of year can be full of triggers.  Many who have these issues come from families where similar issues are present.  This is a time to recall all of those bad times we had with our families when we were children.  Perhaps dad was an over worker and wasn't around and mom was overwhelmed and unhappy to be alone with the children or worse.  Unhappy families have a much higher occurrence of all types of abuse.  These memories are likely to get triggered during the holidays. 



Keys to health during the holidays

Our health is not just about what we consume.  It is also about stress and our emotional and spiritual life.  If we are stressed we are much more likely to have trouble with food, alcohol and other triggers.  Our thinking needs to be watched and we need to take care not to fall for all the hype. 

Remember that the holidays are not every day from Thanksgiving until January 1.  If you are going to indulge keep it to 3 or 4 times not every day of that period.  Keep up with your healthy routine between the actual holidays.  Regular exercise, eating 6 small meals a day, and enough sleep are good guidelines to follow.  If you drink, remember that over drinking causes suffering for self and others so it really isn't all that much fun.  If you find that you cannot moderate drinking during the holidays get some help. 

Food Consumption

Most of us wake up on the holiday and starve until it is time to eat the holiday meal.  Then we gorge thinking that the starving justifies the gorging.  Try to eat regular healthy meals before the holiday meal and then watch portion sizes and enjoy every bite of delicious food.  Make your meal a meditation eating slowly and admiring the deliciousness of the food.  If you have food issues talk to your coach, counselor, or sponsor and commit ahead of time to what you intend to eat and how much.  In this way your can avoid guilt and can fully enjoy the food you are eating.  Make sure that you stay in touch with your coach so you can get back on track the next day.  Most food attachment issues involve guilt shame and secrecy which can lead to more eating.  Working with another brings everything into the light enabling more sanity where food is concerned.

Regarding food, most of us gain 1-2  lbs during the holidays....and those generally aren't healthy calories we are eating.  The problem is that those pounds tend to remain after the holidays are over.  So the cumulative effect can be very harmful over time.    http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/31/health/nutrition/31real.html?_r=0.  

Be willing to take the consequence of overindulgence if you lose control and report that to your coach as well.  We all make mistakes when it comes to food issues since we cannot abstain completely and we need to learn moderation. When we slip we admit it to ourselves and another, forgive ourselves and move on. 

Alcohol Consumption

The suggestions for food apply to alcohol consumption as well.  Use mindfulness with regard to alcohol and commit to yourself and another how much you intend to drink.  If you have an addiction and are abstaining it is best to avoid places where others over drink.  During the holidays Alcoholics Anonymous has sober get togethers for those who are uncomfortable with family or who have no family where you can be safe in a sober environment.  If you don't go to AA stick with people you are safe with and let them know that your desire is to stay sober.  Bring a bottle of sparkling fruit juice to drink or stick to soda water with lime if you feel you need a glass in your hand.  Often when you have a glass of something people will not pressure you to drink with them.  Others often don't understand sobriety and are uncomfortable with the concept if they are drinking, even when they don't have a problem.  If you have a glass of something in your hand they are less likely to take notice. 

Shopping, Spending and Gifts

This is an area where there is an abundance of pressure on the TV, radio, and everywhere you go.  Many are experiencing very tight budgets and buying gifts for others can mean not being able to afford gas for the car or food.  If this is the case it is a good idea to pick names with family so that only one gift needs to be purchased.  Another option is home made items such as hand done cards or other craft projects like ornaments.  Even if you have plenty of funds, try to keep the spending in check as the holidays are for togetherness primarily and it is important to be balanced in giving so as not to make others feel guilty. 

If you are a compulsive shopper it is very important to work with another around commitments as to how much you will be spending.  Don't shop alone.  Take a buddy with you to be a witness to your commitments.  Debtors anonymous is a wonderful program that gives specific help with budgeting and spending behaviors.  They can be found online as well as in person meetings.  http://www.debtorsanonymous.org/

Finding Ease within the Chaos of Family Time

If you come from a difficult family it is most important that you take care of yourself during the holidays.  Emotional pain around family issues is usually intensified over the holidays.  One of the hardest things to do is to detach from family when it is truly necessary during the holidays.  If you feel that you need to attend a family event, try to make it for a short period of time like just the meal rather than all day.  Have and obligation that can gracefully take you away especially if the disfunction worsens as the day goes on.  Above all take care of yourself with your family and friends.
 
Loneliness is  an issue for some who may not feel connected to anyone close by.  If this is the case there are always food banks that need volunteers and food buffets for the homeless that you can volunteer for.  Giving in this way can be very rewarding and stave off loneliness.

On the other hand you might be an introvert like me and feel quite uncomfortable at parties and get togethers that involve lots of small talk.  It is ok to avoid these as long as you make polite apologies and thank them for the invite.  All of my friends know that I am an introvert so they are not hurt when I don't accept these invitations.   

If you come from a healthy happy family spread the love and make sure you let each of them know how much you appreciate them. Gratitude for this kind of good fortune is a huge contributor to overall happiness.   Hugs are very healing and small kindnesses go such a long way.  Tell those you love that you love and appreciate them.  That can be the best gift of all. 

Until next time.....be well

People of the Lie or why people so tenaciously hang on to dis-information…A Buddhist perspective

Michele Happe MA

September 14 2015

I was on the radio recently talking about the work of Brendan Nyhan who is conducting research at Yale Law school.  His experiments indicate that when people have a partisan stance about certain issues like Gun Control, Climate Change, and WMD’s in Iraq that they are very tenacious to their views even when presented with evidence that contradicts these views.  In fact he points out that at times there is a “back fire phenomenon” which causes people to become even more further entrenched in their views.  He says that this is true about both liberals and conservatives when they are partisans.  He says that it is folly to try to convince these individuals using facts and that using this tactic  is generally a waste of time.  

There are many psychological issues that prop up this research.  For one the concept of cognitive dissonance makes it very difficult to change our minds when a paradigm shift is required to accept the contrary evidence.  A book by Thomas Kuhn called the Structure of Scientific Revolution is about how difficult it is for paradigms to be shifted when it necessitates a change in world view.  There is a critical amount of discomfort required for these kinds of fundamental paradigm shifts to occur and before that point, humans will go literally to war and resort to violence to prop up their ill informed views.  

John Dean, former legal adviser to Richard Nixon wrote a book about another psychological tendency around issues.  He talked about the authoritarian type.  This is a type of person who needs to be lead (follower) by another authoritarian (leader).  This psychological condition amounts to being childish and fearful.  Just tell me what to do and I will be ok.  Fox news is full of authoritarian leaders but John Dean used Dick Cheney as a perfect example.  

  I don’t think it is any mistake that a common reaction after 911 was mass fear and many on the right used that fear to prop up their plans to make the conservative agenda popular in order for the Republicans to win into perpetuity.  Of course the supreme court helped out by stopping the vote count  in Florida in the election between George Bush and Al Gore who by the way would have won the popular vote.  Fox news started spreading fear with the imminent possibility of a “mushroom cloud”,  another attack and lack of safety in our “homeland” and they used many other wedge issues such as abortion and immigration to increase peoples fear of xenophobia.  The conservatives also capitalized on nationalism after the attack on the twin towers which also stokes xenophobia and fear of the future.  Jeb Bush, not George bush was a signatory to the Product for a New American Century or PENAC which knew that an attack on our country would sufficiently foment fear so that the conservatives could gain and keep power.  When it happened they were ready.

 I cannot tell you how many women have complained in my private practice that their husbands are obsessed with Fox News and that since listening 24/7, they have become angry and hateful in other words terrified and attached to the lie.  It has even broken up a few relationships due to excessive anger in the partner and attachment to hateful right wing policies.  Fox news has been proven to be very inaccurate in their reporting but the disinformation used by them causes more fear and hatred which in turn causes people to be ultra opinionated and even more attached to their world view(backfire effect)  

We do see this in some on the left as well such as liberal Jews supporting right wing political leaders in Israel, Also extreme attachment to Obama and also to Hilary Clinton even though both support neolibral policies which the supporter might be against.  This is due to partisanship. Here is a definition of partisanship: an  inclination to favor one group or view or opinion over alternatives

  In Buddhism we look at the primary causes of suffering.  Basically they are attachment to opinion, hatred, fear, anger and selfishness.  We are taught over and over that we are instructed to abandon  all views in order to created joy and happiness.  We are instructed to have a neutral mindset regarding all concepts that are the result of the egos beliefs.  This is a very tall order because most of us have fear about so many things from fear of death to fear of another attack like that which happened on September 11, 2001.  When we train our mind suffiiently we are able to better disengage from the emotional attachment that leads to partisanship in the first place.  We are more able to enjoy the ride and be humble about not knowing.  

Most importantly we need to divest ourselves of the need to change other peoples minds.  They have a right to their delusions just as do we.  As the Dali Lama was asked his opinion after meeting president Bush, His response was, “he had very good cookies”.  

Until next time be well

The Subtlety of Narcissistic Style and the Codependents Role- Scapegoating

Michele Happe MA
March 24, 2014

In this article I wan't to be clear that I am not talking about the Narcissist per se.  I am talking about a style of relating with others that is similar to a technique that the Narcissist uses.

Scapegoating has its roots in the need to be right (or to not be wrong).  It arises when the person who is in error tries to cover up the error by making it seem that the other is wrong.  It can be as elemental as making an excuse for our error to justify it, to subtlety blaming the other for the error.  It is best to use an example.

A husband tells his wife that he has been invited to dinner with friends who are leaving town.  The wife picks up on the word he not we and says..."so I am not invited to this dinner?".  He covers by saying of course you are.  When the day of the dinner comes he texts his wife while at work saying, "I am going to dinner with so and so and will be back late tonight."  She confronts him through text and says "so I am not invited."  He says, "of course you are".  She says, "you just told me that you would be home late".  He says, "don't you remember our conversation last week?"  She says, "either you are lying about me being invited or you just forgot".  He finally admits that he forgot and then makes a joke about it implying her extreme sensitivity."  She decided not to go and he was shocked and surprised.

Even though this is a very subtle exchange I am sure that many of you who are reading this are fuming because you have been through much the same kind of interaction.  Scapegoating is always subtle.  Think of the movie "Gaslight" and if you haven't seen it make a point of it.  I like the Urban Dictionary's definition:

"Gaslighting

A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity. The classic example of gaslighting is to switch something around on someone that you know they're sure to notice, but then deny knowing anything about it, and to explain that they "must be imagining things" when they challenge these changes."...

It takes someone with a very strong sense of self to not take on and feel hurt or enraged by this kind of subtle attack.  It is important to remember that the person who perpetrates the scapegoat is trying to save his own face by sacrificing the well being of his partner.  This indicates a very low sense of self worth on the part of the scapegoater unless he is a pernicious narcissist who enjoys watching others squirm.  In most cases the scapegoater is very uncomfortable with making an error.  The fact that he sacrifices his partners well being IS a subtle kind of evil, but it is evil none the less.  Again here is the Urban Dictionary version of the definition of evil:

"Evil

A deterministic philosophy used to justify selfish extremes and deny responsibility for personal actions, even if they bring harm to others. Those who are evil almost always rationalize their actions and often despise the terms "good" and "evil" because it is much easier to deny moral absolutes than it is to acknowledge them."...



So what to do about this?  First for the scapegoater, it is time to do some work on your self image.  All humans make mistakes and it does not make them any less.  It is better just to admit the mistake with compassion and move on.  This can take lots of practice with many fits and starts and a supportive other can be invaluable to making this change.

For the other:  DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY!  This is not at all about you.  It is about your partner who is less than fully realized.  Work on your own sense of self so you can know that although very annoying, it in no way affects who YOU are...

And if the perpetrator is a narcissist?  Walk away from this relationship because by definition, the narcissist can never admit his or her part in any kind of wrong so nothing will change.

I welcome your comments...

HEALTH CHALLENGES FOR BOOMERS

Michele Happe MA Certified health coach

March 11, 2015

I am in my 60’s.  As we age our body naturally deteriorates, we lose some brain capacity.  Our hair turns grey and our skin and bones get more thin and fragile.  I would like to define healthy aging as the ability to grow old gracefully and gently.  We all have to accept that the natural progression of things is toward decrepitude and eventually death.  As a Buddhist, I have contemplated death in the hope of accepting without fear its inevitability.  

So how do we stay healthy while aging.  First and foremost is to maintain a healthy weight.  This does not necessarily mean having the BMI of a 20 year old.  Skinny people do generally live longer but often that is a goal that is nearly impossible for some of us who have genetics that run contrary to skinniness.  There are standards that have been adopted for older people that are much more lenient yet still promote health and well being.  Overweight promotes heart disease, cardio vascular disease, diabetes, cancer and even Alzheimers.  

Exercise is also incredibly important.  Even a 20 minute walk is very helpful toward promoting health.  I do yoga, kettle bell swings, walking and stationary bike which I vary each day.  This helps build muscle and to circulate the blood.  The blood is the clearing house for toxins in our bodies and in our brains.  When our circulation is hampered it affects every aspect of our health.  

MY OWN PERSONAL CHALLENGE

In order to maintain a healthy weight I need to eat very few calories per day.  Before I lost this 30 lbs I was averaging about 1200 calories per day with lots of vegetables and very few carbs.  Menopause had a very profound effect on my weight.  I started the Take Shape For Life plan and rapidly lost the weight and began to feel so much better.  Maintenance has been very enlightening for me.  In order to maintain this weight I am pretty much staying on the same 5 and 1 plan that enabled me to lose the weight.  The temptation is to say that this is not fair but as my eating disorder mentor, Judi Hollis used to say, “the fair is in Pomona”….

Many say well i will just carry this weight and continue to eat the healthy foods that I love…but this clearly contradicts the concept of healthy weight.  So I am happily resigned to a regular diet of 900 calories daily in order to maintain my weight and believe me I am not skinny!!  Acceptance is the key here.  We have to accept the realities as they are.  I am in acceptance and am so grateful that I can eat six times per day, food that I love while keeping my caloric intake down.  

Getting older requires an attitude of acceptance of the erosion of our youthful vibrance.  Complaining just seems to further erode our health.  So the key is to focus on compassion for ourselves and others and to rely on the wisdom that comes with living many years on the planet.  The result of this is joy and gratitude which in itself promotes health.  

Until next time ……Be well

Blaming Out: The Blamer is the One to Lose

Michele Happe MA
October 28, 2014

Have you ever been blamed for another’s short fall? This is a very frustrating thing to experience.

Here is a scenario: “Did you do that task you said you would do last night? “

Answer: “Well you said it wasn’t that important!”

The appropriate response would be, “No I forgot, sorry”…end of story.

When this happens a short conversation can be lengthened into a long, mean spirited argument. The ego does not like to be blamed for what it is not responsible for so we tend to defend against the “attack”….

But what about the blamer? What does he lose?

The need to blame out comes from a place of shame. Often those who make frequent errors of memory who feel the need to be right will do this. Unfortunately, this tendency robs the blamer of the necessary human quality of remorse. If he blames out he can be “right”.

Remorse gives us an opportunity to take responsibility for our actions. It enables us to hone our skills and to do better in the future. As long as it does not morph into self blaming, it is a healthy way of becoming more enlightened over time.

Perfectionism is most likely the culprit here or at least a sense that it is very very bad to be wrong. Unfortunately perfectionism leads to procrastination and eventually paralysis. If we are in this squirrel cage we are forever stuck in the dynamic of defense. We can never become empowered by our mistakes which are the source of our further development.

Blamers also pretend that nothing ever happened in an effort to cover up their lack of rightness. They want the focus off of them so they divert in a nice way so as to end being seen.

It really is so sad isn’t it? When this happens to you try to connect to the sadness rather than developing resentment toward the blamer. It is very challenging but in the end your heart will be warm rather than cold toward the person who uses this tactic.

Until next time: Be well