TRAUMA PART 8..ROBIN...ITS NOT OK TO BE ME...

Robin is on the Autism spectrum as AUDHD, both high functioning Autistic and ADHD. He (pronoun given with permission) is a very bright talented software engineer in his mid 20's.  One of his gifts is musical talent.  He is an introvert who pushes himself too hard and neglects his need for solitude. He works a full time job and is in numerous bands.  Robin is an example of someone who is more susceptible to trauma as a result of his Autism.  We Autistics tend to be highly sensitive.  Many of us are fluid in our gender and our sexuality.  Robin's main difficulty is he uses masking as a coping mechanism to his own detriment. Most people on the Autism spectrum get traumatized by bullying, parental disproval, or shaming as a result of social awkwardness, gender fluidity, and or a general feeling of not fitting in with the neurotypical world.  The comorbities of Autism can be many such as, depression, anxiety, psychosis, overwhelm, eating disorders and other addictions.

Robin's childhood is not the worse I have seen but it certainly wasn't easy.  His mother is a christian nationalist and very manipulative.  She often "attacked from the victim" position and targeted Robin, one of her two children.  Since he was very young she was cruel to him, blaming him for all of her problems. Robins parents were divorced when he was 9 and she turned to alcohol which would make her even more histrionic and chaotic.  Her two children took on the responsibility of trying to keep her on an even keel.  This is how Robin became codependent.  

Robin's father is an intelligent, kind man who was also codependent to his wife while they were married.  He was the model for Robin's codependency while remaining very loving to his children.  As Robin entered his teen years he coped by becoming rebellious, angry and destructive.  He had been diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds which did not work for him at all which is typical of AUDHD.  He came out as trans to both parents in his teens and while his father accepted him his mother was furious and shaming of him.  He had a series of unhealthy painful relationships as a teen and took in all that hurt and confusion. He began to spend more and more time with his father as they had had a two week on two week off custody arrangement and eventually stayed with dad full time.   

With all of the abuse that Robin received from his mother, he still to this day remains loyal to her because ''she is his mother".  She has never visited him in the state he now lives in but he feels guilty for not wanting to visit her in her state.  He is torn between loving her and hating her.  This is difficult for us on the spectrum to process because those emotions don't fit nicely in a logical pattern.  Robin adores his father but really dislikes his stepmother.  He is ambivalent towards his mother but calls his macho step father a jerk and an idiot. 

Today Robin is dealing with a number if issues.  He has addiction to cigarettes, drugs, and to a lesser degree with food.  He has had suicidal ideation but never attempted.  He is a love addict who continues to be hurt in intimate relationships.  He hates his job but feels tied to his very generous salary.  He loves his music but is exhausted by all the road trips and practices.  He feels abandoned by his friends because they are all typical 20 somethings and he is smarter, kinder, and more emotional and sensitive than his guy friends.  We have been focusing on self care, limiting masking, self compassion and setting boundaries with others.  He is working on his tendency to avoid conflict with others as a form of masking.  (If you are curios about Autism I have a number of entries that deal with the subject as I am on the spectrum myself)

Robin is a very beautiful person inside and out.  He is dedicated to his work which consists of me both teaching him about self compassion while using myself as an example and modeling a compassionate mother role with him.  He is now taking the time for solitude so he can refuel.  We have begun to talk about him being his own inner parent and he is making progress while dealing with all the emotions that he has lifelong been attempting to mask or turn into rebelliousness.  He is a pleasure to work with and I have high hopes for him as he is beginning his work at such a young age.     

TRAUMA PART 6 JANE..."IT WASN'T THAT BAD”

Jane is a middle aged, fit, attractive woman, and a successful professional. She called me after deciding she was going to formally divorce her very abusive husband of 25 years who was also an addict and a charmer.  She was beginning to understand the level of trauma she had received from him and was wondering why she  stayed for so long with him.  When I hear statements like that I suspect that this was not the first ongoing trauma she had experienced.  I asked about her childhood and I was literally appalled.  

She lived in a very small home with a primarily single mom who allowed her two children, a boy and girl, to be in the home alone while she was obsessively dating a man who was abusive to the children.  The mother was highly manipulative and could never see her culpability in anything she had done.  She continues that behavior to a great degree to this day.  I would classify her as a narcissist who was so manipulative that both her children were severely damaged.  The brother of Jane was overtly abusive when they were alone while the mother was  busy dating.  The brother would beat her frequently  to the point where she felt very unsafe in her own home.  The brother later became mentally ill with schizoaffective bipolar disorder as well as a severe addiction to prescription medications and food.  He is very obese and has been abandoned by his ex-wife and both of his children, except for his mother and her subsequent enabling husband.  The mother and her husband are both packrats and have very delusional personalities as they both see themselves as wonderful individuals while they have no conscience and are in denial as to the truth of Jane and her brother. They are enmeshed and enable each other's delusions.   

Jane has scars to prove the beatings she received from her brother.  She went to a private school as a small child that was far from her home.  Her parents stopped taking her to school at 10 and she had to take a public bus to school in the huge metropolis where she lived.  She felt so unsafe especially when she went into adolescence that she would purposefully drool, cross her eyes and  hang her head down so as not to attract any of the creepy men traveling on this city bus.  As Jane shared this with me I was gobsmacked and could feel my chest tighten and the tears begin to fill my eyes.  I saw that Jane was so perfectly groomed by her abuse that when she experienced extreme abuse later in life she tolerated it because it was familiar to the abuse and neglect she received in childhood.  When I pointed this out to her, her response was, "it wasn't that bad".  That became her mantra until she realized the truth of how profound her abuse was.  

I think Jane was able to con herself into thinking this because she went to an expensive private school and was able to get so well educated and become a very successful professional in a relatively small city.  Along with her success was a tendency to faint when doing public speaking for her job to the point where she was provided with a stool to sit on so she wouldn't fall to the floor.  I was amazed to hear how she would  swat away my deep concern for her health and the possible connection to her abuse which gave rise to this heart problem causing her to faint when public speaking.   

In Jane's marriage she would endure what I would call torture in the form of demeaning her, locking her in closets, keeping her from leaving the house when he was drunk or wasted on drugs.  Once again she was living in an environment that was totally unsafe and unpredictable. Her husband would later be so remorseful and seem deeply ashamed by his behavior when he sobered up.  He was also successful with his own business and would seek out therapy and spout off to her all he had learned.  What he learned only enabled him to be more subtle and undermining of his abuse with Jane.  She excused his behavior by  rationalizing that he was a sick addict who just couldn't seem to have any desire to get sober. Jane even went to the extreme of buying her own house while continuing to stay in the marriage.  

Every trip they would go on she would forget that it would likely end in trauma and each traumatic event would only get worse. Eleven years before she divorced him, and one of the worst events where he was drunk and very abusive, she ran out of their hotel room and ran away to some other tourists to seek help and safety.  As she looked at the shock on my face while listening to this she would say, "but it wasn't really that bad".

We worked on her denial of her horrific family life to the point where she was more able to break the bonds of codependency to her mother and brother, (she had totally detached from her creepy father for the last 20 years before he died). Jane could always explain away her own denial of the abuse by having compassion after all they were her only family and her husband was a sick addict.  She had learned to totally neglect her own well being while devoting herself to her profession and to some wonderful women friends who were very safe and supportive of her without overly confronting her about her acquiescence  to her family and husband.  

Once fully divorced Jane relished her new single lifestyle and our work consisted of developing gratitude for the peace she had accomplished in her home and with her friends...but she began hating her work. We worked on changing her emphasis in her very successful profession to modifying her work to something she actually enjoyed that involved allowing herself to take more time off for enjoyment and to focus on aspects of her work that were funner for her and saying no to clients who she knew would trigger her other mantra, "try harder".  She learned to say no.  

When Jane began some very unsuccessful dating opportunities after a few years of single hood  she would berate herself with what is wrong with me when it didn't work out.  I encouraged her to ask rather  what didn't work for her with this or that particular man.  Jane is just beginning to have an awareness of self compassion to augment her dedicated work to heal her codependency.  Our sessions are filled with tears and a lot of laughter at some of the irony that she finds herself in.  I also have consistently shared examples of my own pitfalls in my relationships and my  work with my own inner child and developing self compassion while teaching it.

I have so much love and respect for Jane that I have faith in her ultimate healing in the forming of a healthy relationship to her trauma as she moves forward in her life either as a single woman or as someone who finds a partner who is safe, self aware and compassionate. 

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

 

PART 5 TRAUMA..RUBY...THE STRONG ONE

Ruby is an attractive very intelligent engaging woman in her late fifties.  I worked with Ruby briefly in the early 2000's.   At that time she was sober and working a 12 step program.  Within the last year she came back to me for further work.  She was working on what she called her issues with debauchery.  Her issues were now food addiction gambling, drinking and smoking cigarettes.  Her relapse was profound and causing her much distress.  She was able to give up alcohol and food addiction for a clean keto diet but her issues of gambling remained.  We discovered that part of the issue was an issue with her husband who was also debaucherous  with her. In other words he was her "lower companion".  Another stressor in the marriage was her husband was the exact opposite of her politically and he was a very devout catholic and she was more a metaphysical Christian.  

As we were dealing with her addictive issues and marriage issues, I asked about childhood trauma.  She indicated that she had dealt with that years back with another therapist.  She told me the story though.  Her father was clearly a malignant narcissist, alcoholic and sadist.  He would come into her room when she was just a little girl and would force her to drink alcohol until she would pass out.  She did not know if he sexually molested her and she was in a black out.  (I assumed that is exactly what happened as he had that reputation in the family and her older sister clearly remembered being sexually molested by him). He also tortured his children.  While napping he would approach Ruby with a stand up vacuum cleaner and suck her hair into the roller causing her considerate fear and pain.  This man later died by suicide to her great relief.  

I was curious to uncover the current patterns that dictated by this early abuse.  Ruby was groomed to tolerate a lot of abuse especially from intimate partners.  She had been married a few times and all of those marriages were terminated due to abuse or infidelity.  Her current husband is kind but very avoidant of conflict which renders him the weaker partner.  Ruby wears the pants in this relationship which is the inversion of the previous pattern of overt abuse.  Her current husband is passive aggressive rather than overt, the opposite side of the same coin.  If Ruby slips and gambles and smokes he  slips too. if Ruby abstained from both addictions so does he.  She easily takes on the mantle of aggressor and the partner who demands compliance in most areas of the marriage, except for his political views and religious convictions. 

As our work together progressed and a good bond was created, Ruby indicated that she was willing to look again at her trauma issues.  I was very gentle with her and showed her kindness and empathy as she shared how her past trauma mimicked much of the subsequent trauma.  We talked a lot about how she was groomed by her original trauma.  I suggested that she create her own room which was to be her sanctuary and she did.  We were just about ready to delve into inner child work at this writing.  As she read the previous parts of this trauma blog she indicated that she was learning more about self compassion and was willing to implement the work involved in achieving that.  

I feel honored to be Ruby's guide through some of the worst trauma I have ever heard.  My own motherly instincts guide me in helping her adopt a supportive loving inner mother for her wounded inner child.  She is now abstinent from alcohol, gambling, food addiction and smoking!  We continue our work together with loving kindness for each other.  

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

 

PART 3 HELP AND HEALING COMES FROM BUDDHISM

I am listening to a book called Outshining Trauma.  Ralph De La Rosa speaks to me so deeply.  As a Buddhist practitioner I believe that the principles we learn and revere can not only heal trauma but can promote true happiness and even help with the attainment of unceasing wisdom and compassion.  

Compassion is the key.  One of my great pleasures in life is reading a list of people who are currently suffering.  Reading their names out loud make me feel love for myself as an opening of my heart and love for them as I think of them throughout the day.  

Trauma does not go away.  It ebbs and flows based on our experiences in life.  In order to heal from trauma I encourage and have achieved a relationship with it.  First we embrace whatever happened to us whether it was losing a home from a tornado(PTSD), COVID, or repeated abuse and neglect in our family culture(COMPLEX PTSD). We send love and compassion to ourselves as the person who is experiencing the trigger which is disregulating to the point that we can enter fight or flight behavior. 

 In the nineties inner child work was the rage.  It seemed hokey and I attended meetings where people were holding teddy bears or dolls representing their inner child.  I benefitted greatly by looking at a picture of my sad little self at 3 when the abuse started and deciding that I would be her protector.  This is how you develop self compassion.  It is amazing how many of my clients who are able to detach from their own traumatic experiences by rationalizing excuses for the one who targeted them but find it so hard to send love to the being who was so deeply affected by the abuser.  Being able to develop self compassion takes practice.  

Mindfulness and a searching and fearless inventory   

Primary tenants of Buddhism are to be authentic and true to who we are.  Once we have been traumatized much of our identity gets hidden due to shame, anger, guilt and we pretend or mask to seem well adjusted or just ok.  This makes getting reactivated from a trigger so much more possible.  I take many of my clients through an inventory that asks probing questions about childhood adolescence and adulthood.  It is pretty exhaustive.  Their answers culminate in developing patterns of character strengths as well as character flaws.  They come to know who they are, what their triggers are and the patterns that set them up for increased suffering.  This process activates authenticity.

Mindfulness is a teaching that asks us to be an observer of our own mind and to point out to ourselves where we are engaging in delusional thinking.  What is most important about mindfulness is to be able to send love and compassion to our delusional thinking which makes it possible to train our minds to the truth that we know in our hearts....that we have our own pure wisdom and compassion within us and that to be born human, past karma puts obstacles and obscurations in our way of this true nature of our own mind.  When we accept this we are then capable of transforming our own mind which sets the scene for true healing of trauma.  

A helpful tool is to embrace our hurt little child in the loving arms of your own inner parent.  This part of us exists to sooth our pain and open ourselves up to the truth who we are and that we deserve- compassion from self and others.  We develop a relationship with our trauma and love it back to health.  I tell my clients who bathe themselves in guilt and shame for what they have been through that if they keep that up Ill need to call child protective services on them because we don't treat children that way.  They usually get it instantly and we laugh together.  One of my clients who went through horrific trauma in childhood is stuck with an inner mantra which says, "it wasn't that bad".  When she is able to release the mantra and claim it to be delusional, her work will then be able to gain insight and the ability to truly heal.  

With practice we get better at mindfulness and authenticity and we come to ask ourselves important questions like "am I unnecessarily beating up myself internally" and "could I be taking better care of myself by setting boundaries with others and myself with compassion?"  "Am I in a relationship that is a trauma bond". Just being able to ask this question of ourselves is the path to great awareness and gradually the ability to structure our lives that enable us to be happy and productive rather than trying to fit into a norm by masking and pretending that we are "OK" which only makes our suffering worse.  We are OK only when we are able be our true self.  This is why as a coach I am very much an open book and am happy to share the path that got me here and the mistakes I make every day.  It is important to embrace imperfection as a being in the human realm.  It is part of the deal.  We embrace this with love but don't make it a justification for our less than enlightened  behavior. And we press on and practice and grow by increments.  

Support for this process is essential, whether it is with a therapist, coach, support group or fellow survivor who is on the healing path.  We cannot do this alone.  Our trauma is a part of our history.  With mindful awareness when we get reactivated by a present experience and can name it as a trigger and then re regulate through meditation, a phone call to a friend, a call to our coach, a call to our own inner loving parent or even a YouTube video that is soothing and we are right back in healing mode. In this sense we are developing a healthy relationship to our own trauma.  We embrace the fact that all emotions are fleeting, impermanent and will pass.  We are now in this moment to be happy and productive humans.  We are enabled to be IN the present moment which hold the full potential  for health happiness and the ability to pass on our healing to others who suffer.  

In the next part I will talking more about health.  For now:

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

TRAUMA PART 2.....THE SUSCEPTIBLE

Trauma yields different reactions based on who receives it.  I had a client years ago who was nightly molested by her step father who suffered greatly with food issues, anxiety, and depression.  She was activated and disregulated perpetually.  She walked through life like a deer in the headlights.  Her step sister on the other hand was approached by the step father and she fought him and told him to "get the fuck out of her room"!.  She had no trauma reaction. He never approached her again.   She was a tough cookie and her sister was introverted and very sensitive.

So now a little about me.  I am a trauma survivor.  It started with my dad who was sexually inappropriate with me since I was 3.  His behavior was mostly covert.  I remember being in fear and loathing around him and literally clung to my mother.  When I was old enough to spend the night at a friends, I would always end up needing to call my mom because of extreme stomach upset.  In college I started having panic attacks and anxiety all the time.  I was a chubby kid and began lots of crazy dieting starting with diet pills....with my dad.  He always said we were cut from the same cloth.  I didn't realize how profound that statement was until my 60's when I realized I was on the autism spectrum.  At that time I realized he was too.  He was a brilliant materials engineer and accomplished trumpet player with many hobbies and special interests.  As I was saying before, when college started I became anorexic and self harming.  I lived with suicidal ideation which haunted me and terrified my boyfriend at the time who would hold my passenger door closed while driving when I threatened to jump out of our VW Bus. 

Through all of this trauma reaction I was a great student and found solace by going to school, learning and studying.  It was the greatest distraction.  While I was a student there I became a geology tutor where I got my thirst for teaching.  The lab was the place where I felt most comfortable. I was a very good geek!! I had my Masters in Psychology at 23 and got a gig student teaching at my own community college in my home town.   I taught at that community college for a few years and when the bottom dropped out in education in the 70's I started my own business in advertising, representing commercial artists.  I had realized I preferred self employment even though I know that job wasn't for me.  After being a drug and alcohol counselor intern I got hired as a director of an eating disorder unit at a mental hospital.  I loved the job of supervising counselors and doing educational outreach but I hated working in that environment.  I felt the place was a "snake pit". My anxiety blossomed and I walked off that job, applied for disability and got on Prozac which I called "club med".  That was when I started a private practice in the early 90's and where I continue to work with clients as a life style and recovery coach until the present.  Oh and by the way I got sober, dealt with my eating disorders, codependency and got into therapy.  No one ever diagnosed my Level 1 autism until I diagnosed myself in my 60's. 

My own case history reveals how trauma affects the susceptible.  My autism was my susceptibility and my gift.  Level 1 Autism is a remarkable tribe.  We are often introverted, highly sensitive, easily hurt and disregulated, highly intelligent and talented in many areas where we have special interests. Mine are currently digital painting and learning everything I can about metabolism and therapeutic ketosis.  My work is my social life.  This is true for many of us on the spectrum.  But not everyone with deep sensitivities are on the spectrum.  Some of us are just born with the tendency for fear and anxiety, and are more likely to be damaged by trauma.  Men and women might react differently, but both can fall victimized by trauma.  

The reason I suspect trauma damage is when I see the symptoms outlined in part 1.  Those symptoms are usually an attempt to deal with trauma damage.  In the language of autism, they are stimming attempts to help regulate the system whether it is throwing up a meal, cutting, or becoming a powerful politician who is dominated by the need for success, power and retribution.  The reactions to trauma are varied and complex, but treatment is generally the same.  I believe that we need to develop a compassionate relationship with our own trauma and learn helpful and healthy ways to re regulate ourselves when we are triggered into disregulation. 

In part 3 I will share more about treatment and share some case histories with you, so stay tuned.

Until then, be well

Michele

mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507 

If you suffer from addictions of any kind and want to recover

Then follow these steps

1). Clean up your nutrition by reducing carbs, first sugar then grains then starchy vegetables. Reduce your carbs to 20 grams net and eat only whole real food. Eat moderate protein and replace carbs with healthy fats like animal fats olive oil and coconut oil. 

2). Begin an exercise program like walking, weight training, swimming biking or playing sports at least 3 times per week. 

3). Get adequate sleep shooting for 8 hours based on your own biorhythms.  Whether you are a night owl or a lark accepting these rhythms will enhance your sleep experience. 

4) Attend support meetings of your choosing. If you don’t like groups find a recovery coach, counselor or therapist. If you are dealing with previous trauma, make sure you find someone who is experienced in dealing with this. 

This may feel like a very tall order but it is worth it to create a long and healthy life without addictions..

Live as clean a life as possible and you will not only reverse your addiction but will feel and function better than ever. These steps also reverse many mental health conditions and metabolic health conditions like obesity and diabetes.

Be well,

Michele

775 230-1507

mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

 

My Metabolic Mind page 

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THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN NARCISSISM AND CODEPENDENCY

 I have been seeing lots of posts on Facebook about people giving in to others who take advantage of them. Examples are loaning money that is not returned, doing favors for others that are not in the end, helpful, continuing toxic relationships because of guilt about being "cold hearted".

There is a dance in codependency that involves the intimate relationship between codependents and narcissistic types. To better understand codependency let me share my favorite codependent joke.

Two codependents have sex. In the afterglow one says to the other, "well it was good for you, how was it for me"?

Codependents lack a healthy relationship with self. They are prone to put others first before their own needs. This is unhealthy.

Narcissists also have an unhealthy relationship with self. They put themselves above all else. They use others toward their own ends and exploit relationships without feelings of guilt or remorse. They push blame off on others and are unable to see their own part in wrong doing.

It is easy to see how codependents and narcissists get hooked up. It is like two pieces of the puzzle coming together. One is the easy mark for the other. But there is a deeper connection.

It is found that there are familial links to this interaction. If you have one parent who is narcissistic you are likely to become either codependent or narcissistic yourself. If you have two narcissistic parents the same holds true.

Once a person begins to recover from codependency, they are able to begin setting boundaries and standing up to the narcissist. It is very difficult for all humans to conceive of someone who is totally bereft of the ability to empathize and learn from previous mistakes. The primary mistake the codependent makes is to give the benefit of the doubt to the narcissistic partner because it is so hard to fathom someone could be so selfish and unyielding. Thus the dynamic begins.

The good news for the codependent is that there is hope for recovery once they fully understand that the narcissist lacks that ability of compassion, which defines us as humans. Since codependents are quick to blame themselves for problems they are able to work well with a therapist to make changes. Not so for the narcissist. They are stuck in their own world of non blame and hence are pathological unable to change. How can one change if they are unable to see that there is anything wrong with them?

I highly recommend Codependents Anonymous for those who are attempting to free themselves for relationships that are toxic and abusive. It is a program full of specific guidelines for recovery from this type of harmful relationship. Go to http://www.coda.org/ for a plethora of information on the topic.

As far as help for the narcissist...hmmmm, well the best thing is to shake the dust off your feet and steer clear so they don't get a chance to use you. The only hope for the narcissist is that they develop addiction and can seek help for that where they might learn a different way to relate to the world. Alcoholics Anonymous is currently the best treatment modality for the narcissistic type...but chances for recovery are slim.

I’m Happe to help

Phone: 775 230-1507. Email:mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

I welcome your comments

TRAUMA AND METABOLIC DISORDERS....

 It is clear from current research and scientific studies that there is a direct relationship between metabolic disorders and nutrition...but there is more.  In this post I will be talking about trauma, especially consistent repetitive childhood trauma which clearly affects the mental health of the adult as well as the physical health.  

What metabolic disorders do we see affected by trauma? I'll provide you with a list.

        Obesity

        Chemical dependency and addiction

        Depression and anxiety

        Personality disorders such as Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Dependent, and Depersonalization

        Heart disease

        Type 2 diabetes

        Irritable bowel disease

        Chronic fatigue and other autoimmune diseases

and more.  

The energy in every cell in our body depends on the mitochondria in each cell.  This is the powerhouse of each cell.  When the mitochondria is damaged, the cell is weakened and becomes dysfunctional, resulting in all of the above listed diseases and disorders.  Chris Palmer MD, a psychiatrist is another one of my heroes.  He was surprised to find that when one of his schizophrenic patients who was morbidly obese asked for a way to lose the excess weight, the ketogenic diet he recommended not only precipitated weight loss, but also took aways his hallucinations and delusions.  This was a patient who always rejected the diagnosis of schizophrenia before ketone adaptation.  After his weight loss and resolution of his schizophrenic symptoms, he remarked to the Dr. "you know I think I was schizophrenic"!  Dr Palmer has written a book called Brain Energy which addresses brilliantly the importance of mitochondria in a most compassionate and passionate way.  

Poor nutrition, junk and over processed food and in many cases excess carbohydrates weakens mitochondria.  Environmental toxins like smoking, pollution, chemicals, alcohol, many drugs and pharmaceuticals also damage mitochondria.  And so does stress and trauma both emotional and physical.  It is no secret that trauma of any kind causes an immediate spike in blood sugar produced by the liver by a process called neoglucogenesis.  Prolonged stressors and trauma can contribute to hyperinsulinemia which causes insulin resistance, the precursor of all the above listed illnesses...and many more.  

Now about trauma.  I work with many clients who have endured unspeakable traumas.  What I usually see initially are metabolic disorders like obesity and addiction.  Once we do a rigorous history of family it becomes clear that without exception, trauma is the underlying comorbidity.  So this trauma must be dealt with.  The most common reaction to trauma is the effort to deny its existence or to push it away through aversion by saying,  "that is in the past and I shouldn't be affected by it anymore".....only compounding the deleterious effects of the original trauma especially in the case of complex post traumatic symptoms, meaning chronic repetitive traumas of childhood.  

Having suffered my own traumas of sexual molestation and corporal punishment as well as a sudden loss of my brother when I was 17,  I have done extensive work of my own, in this area.  I find that the most effective way to deal with trauma is to develop a relationship with it because it never really goes away.  It rears its head after triggers are activated and learning self soothing and compassion as well as acceptance of the prolonged effects of the trauma are crucial.  This relationship minimizes the stress caused by the PTSD and CPTSD, mollifying the negative influence on our mitochondria.  

We must remember always that the brain is a part of the body and both work together in both health and ill health.  They cannot be separated.  Watch Dr. Palmer explain:

So if you have experienced trauma or if you have chronic metabolic illness it is important to get help through nutritional guidance as well as stress reduction and trauma work.  If you are willing to take this deep and sometimes frightening dive into changing your life style and improving your overall health and longevity you will experience  a  promotion of happiness which is a profound healing force.  

Until next time, I am Happe to help.  

Call or text me: 775 230-1507 or email: mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

until then....

Michele

        

BIG FOOD AND BIG PHARMA--They profit off our illness and why our nutrition guidelines are making us sick.

Follow the $$$$$$

Nina Teicholz is one of my hero's.  She is a journalist who has been studying our nutrition guidelines for years.  Obesity is a problem worldwide and even those countries like India where there is not as much obesity, Type 2 diabetes is endemic there.  Low and no carb eating is the fastest and most effective way to lose weight but it is consistantly touted as being unsustainable and should only be done short term.  When we look at those who have lost weight by burning ketones for fuel, most all of their other metabolic health markers improve.  Resolution of type 2 diabetes, crones, heart disease, cancer, migraine, schizophrenia and autism are just a few.  

In the US just over 50% of the population is obese and over 70% are overweight.  Obesity is linked to all of the above metabolic chronic diseases.  MD's have bought the propaganda that the best way to be healthy is plant based, low fat high carb....and stay away from meat!!  Politicians are even saying that plant based is better and only men go carnivore.  We know that 50% of carnivore followers are women.  

To understand how this can happen follow the money to find out how the USDA  (United States Dietary Association) is funded. Since the Nixon administration decided it would be a good idea to make our health care system profitable, corporations have infiltrated all aspects of our lives including Pharma, food, and medical.  Just look at this.  

I won't get into further detail about this but of course I will include Nina's update on the state for our national and global nutrition policies.  It is gobsmacking.  

This video is sobering but very important to contributing to the paradigm shift that is necessary for all of us to get healthy again.  

I am Happe to help.....775 230-1507.  email: mhappenow.happe@gmail.com

until next time be well and please subscribe and share…

HELPING TWEENS AND TEENS WITH CODEPENDENCY ISSUES

LEARN IN ORDER TO TEACH

 I was recently working with a couple who have concerns about their 13 year old daughter.  We talked about what codependency looks like in a teen and how to deal with it.  I told them I would look for books on recovery from codependency for teens and found nothing...hence this blogpost and maybe later a book. 

Dealing with teens can be very difficult as they are in a transitional stage from childhood into adulthood.  They have been bombarded with hormones and often deal with their changing bodies with discomfort.  Acne, braces, periods, crazy sex drive, nighttime emissions are all new things that can cause insecurities and mood changes.  

When my son was going through this time I just felt that he had started to hate me.  He was withdrawn and irritable.  I didn't realize at the time that this was a temporary condition.  It was very difficult for both of us and I made many mistakes along with many strides in terms of parenting a teen.  

The best preparation for helping a teen with codependency issues is teaching them from birth a few essential concepts which will prevent difficulties later on.  I always tell my clients with children that their children are substantially cooked by age 11 or 12 maybe earlier.  After 13 our approach as parents needs to differ considerably.  Mandates and direct advice are likely to be argued or rebelled against which is a normal and healthy reaction from a teen who needs to individuate from parents as they cross the divide into adulthood.  It is important to share and commiserate rather than to "parent" the teen.  Ask them questions and draw them into possible solutions for problems they are having.  This enables them to feel more comfortable thinking for themselves.  Reading books together or watching educational videos with discussion after is important as well. There are many dramatic shows and movies that are also thought provoking which can foster a more adult relationship between parent and teen.  

Keeping it simple in terms of interpersonal health is also important to teach our very young children.  I will illustrate a few of those here.

BOUNDARIES

Teaching young ones healthy boundaries is essential to interpersonal health.  Establishing rules of respect in the house such as always knocking and getting permission to enter a room.  Parents as well as children must respect this boundary.  Teaching our children that psychological abuse, violence and bullying are unacceptable is essential.  This means parents must refrain from violence to their children and each other as well.  Respect grows out of healthy boundaries.  Fear does not foster respect.  It fosters resentment in the developing teen.  We all have a right to be listened to and heard.  Teaching our children active empathetic listening is helpful for the whole family.  Many parents believe all couple conflicts must be done in private, away from the children.  I disagree.  It is helpful for children to witness conflict resolution so that they can take that skill into adulthood instead of becoming conflict averse or avoidant.  We all have rights as humans...these rights extend into our family as well.  Respectful communication must be insisted upon but parents need to hone this skill before they can teach it to their children.

FOCUSING ON SELF RATHER THAN OTHER

A prime symptom of codependency is the tendency to identify with the other rather than self.  My favorite oft repeated joke is "two codependents have sex and one says to the other, well it was good for you, how was it for me?"  The method for teaching healthy respect of self to our children is to teach them to acknowledge how they are feeling, to identify feelings and that their feelings are important.  As a Buddhist I teach that all feelings must be acknowledged and then transformed into compassion for self and other.  If these skills are not taught early the child becomes fused or enmeshed with others rather than individuated.  

THE KINDNESS DILEMMA

The boundary between compassion and codependency is very murky.  A rule of thumb to teach our children is that if kindness to another causes self harm....its codependent.  If kindness causes no self harm it is interdependent which is the healthy state of kindness.  This is a very nuanced distinction.  It demands that both personal boundaries and the ability to focus on self rather than other must be internalized.  It demands that parents must learn and adopt the same principles they are teaching to their children.  

SOLUTIONS

The bitter truth about helping our teens is that often it is too late and we have to let them learn their lessons the hard way.  Many codependent children will become addicted in one form or another.  I have found that while helping many addicts recover, the underlying issues are codependency.  Recovery is certainly possible but prevention is a much better form of recovery.

Prevention is an uphill battle because our culture is full of the mistakes that cause codependency.  Racism, violence, male privilege, social inequities, authoritarianism are all cultural symptoms that lead to codependency.  Religions often teach women to put up with abuse for the sake of the children.  Men who are abused by wives are seen as weak if they intervene or leave the relationship. Girls are taught that assertiveness must be hidden through manipulation and underhandedness hence the mean girl syndrome.  I could go on and on but that is a possible discussion for further blogs or even a book. 

CONCLUSION

If you are concerned for you teen the first step is get help for any codependency or addiction issues you may personally have.  Codependents anonymous and other 12 step programs are very helpful.  Have discussions with your teen when watching programs that show symptoms of codependency.  It is important to remember that the most common codependent diad is to hook up with a narcissist.  Please see my blog here about the Relationship between Codependency and Narcissism.  

Avoid avoidance.....start communication in the family with compassion, calm, and respect.  Interrupt boundary violations with veto power...what you say no to.  A common phrase I teach is "I can't allow you to treat me this way". 

I wish you hope as you progress on this journey of healing and growth.  It is a bumpy messy road which promises much reward.  Until then.....

Be well

I welcome comments, questions and suggestions. 

 

Aspie ish!

Aspie ish!

Michele Happe MA

February 12 2016

I have coached a number of people with Aspergers as well as a few parents with Aspergers kids.  When I approach a new issue in my practice I do a lot of research and learn from my clients.  When I had my radio show I did a long segment on Aspergers and autism as part of my research.  After the show a number of people approached me telling me that they took the test I provided and sure enough, they were on the spectrum.  I took the test and I was not even though I identified with a number of characteristics such a social uncomfortability and anxiety, hypersensitivity to certain types of stimulation and others.  

Then I started thinking about my dad.  He was a strange and interesting dude .  He was a materials engineer who worked at Jet Propulsion Lab where he had experiments on the voyager spacecraft.  His gig was manufacturing glass in zero gravity.  He was also an inventor and a musician.  He was super smart but spacey and neglectful as a father.  He was also lascivious and pervy.  I figured out after the fact that my dad was Aspie.  One of his favorite stories was how when he was 12 he got in trouble with his mom at the dinner table and she threw one of those large carving forks at him.  It embedded shallowly in his stomach and he refused to remove it, walking around all afternoon with a fork hanging out of his soft, obese belly.  THAT was my dad!  He was a very strange dude, a true eccentric.  I believe he was on the spectrum.  

Just to be clear let me include a list of characteristics for Aspergers:  

"Obviously, not all highly intelligent adults have Asperger. With no or few features from the list one does not have the condition. Even with a high score, one should realize a diagnosis can not be made on this basis, but requires interviews and observation in person next to psychological testing. Although GAIA was originally conceived to detect Aspergoid features, it may actually be measuring a more general disposition for psychiatric disorders without in itself being able to point to one specific disorder.

The Inventory

 Write complaint letters to authorities, professionals, companies etc.

 Read full manual before taking equipment into use

 Severely bullied at school

 Little or no facial expression

 Not well able to read another's facial expression

 Flat or monotonous voice

 Rigid day or week schedule (repetitive patterns)

 Strong interest in arcane subjects (either scientific, occult or trivial)

 Lack sensitivity to nonverbal cues and social codes

 Employed below ability level

 Poor work record

 Never had a steady job

 Social isolation

 Educated below ability level

 Never married

 Never had an amorous relationship

 Still virgin

 Fetishism

 Read reference works from A to Z

 Motor clumsiness

 "Talk too much"

 "Talk too little"

 Low "social skills"

 Little eye contact

 Shy

 One-sided eating habits

 Capable of sustained rigorous hard work

 Savant

 Not taken seriously or misunderstood in face-to-face situations

 Neurotic habits or tics

 Diagnosed Schizophrenia

 Diagnosed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

 Diagnosed any Personality Disorder

 Very honest

 Peculiar or (for males) too high-pitched voice

 Not emotional

 Highly sensitive to criticism

 Lack "common sense"

 Bitten by dogs

 A-rhythmic speech or abnormal speech rhythm

 Teased by children in adulthood

 Clumsy or exaggerated gestures when talking

 Unrightfully punished at school

 Perfectionist

 Longing for death or suicidal thoughts

 Eating disorder (like anorexia)

 Depression or on anti-depressant

 Attached to animals or things rather than humans

 On tranquillizers

 Drug addict

 Homeless

 Sleeping problems

 Stilted and overformal in social interaction

 Oversensitive to particular sounds"

* http://paulcooijmans.com/personalitytests/asperger.html

So this is a very exhaustive list that is meant as a test to see if you have Aspergers.  One funny note:  My dad was famous for writing complaint letters.  He actually got toothpicks on one of the airlines by exhaustively writing letters.  He would also write letters to Chinese Restaurants complaining about the fact that they didn't serve coffee...he was not so successful there.  

So I guess I am a child of an Aspie or Aspie ish.  As I like to say.  I don't qualify but I do identify.  I think if you asked people who know me you would hear that I am unusual, or unique...not quite eccentric but close.  I have arranged my life so that I can be comfortable.  I work at home.  I need lots of alone time even though I love people...in very small doses.  This includes my husband who is also Aspie ish.  His dad qualifies and one of his brothers is most probably on the spectrum.  I hate parties unless I have a specific job like cutting carrots or if I can hide in a corner and have a deep philosophical conversation with someone one on one.  

I like who I am.  Aspie ish works for me.  As a friend who qualifies said to me..."I wear it as a badge of honor".  I was disappointed and remain so when the distinction Aspergers was subsumed into the Autism Spectrum Disorder classification.  I don't see Aspergers as a disorder at all.  We do have our challenges but we are a sweet eccentric tribe as far as I can tell.  We generally are verbally gifted and can cruise around in the world with only lifting a few eyebrows occasionally.  As an Aspie ish person, I have a deep understanding and compassion for those who are in the tribe as I was raised by one.  I get it even though I don't qualify as "one".  I want to be a member of the tribe as a supporter who is fortunate to have many of the "qualities" that high functioning Aspies share.  Call me a groupie if you want.  

I love working with Aspies.  It is fun to coach someone on how to be a bit more social, how to network and set priorities.  I enjoy empathizing and cheering them on toward self acceptance and ultimately self approval.  I advocate setting up a life that may not look the way other people's lives look but it is a life that works well.  I also believe this about relationships.  We must tailor our relationships to fit our personality and our proclivities.  This means that we need to quit comparing ourselves to "typicals".  Aspies are only typical to our own tribe which in my view includes Aspie ish types like me.  

My hope is that this little blog will touch others who might identify as Aspie or Aspie ish.  I also hope that whoever you unidentified tribal members are you might do a little work on honoring yourself as being a member of a very special tribe of people who are collectively responsible on many levels for making the world a better place.  It is the geeks and scientific types who are such contributors due to their exhaustive energy and brilliance.  Many of them are in our tribe.  I believe it is a tribe to be celebrated.

Until then, be well.  

Maintaining Health During the Holidays: Coping with Food, Alcohol, Spending and more

Michele Happe MA

The holiday season is filled with expectations.  It is family time and a time for giving.  We are bombarded with ads showing happy healthy families together as well as pressure to buy expensive articles commencing with "black Friday" sales. 

Food is an  ever present focus of the holidays.  If you work in an office it is usually filled with sweets for the taking.  Parties and get togethers are expected.  This all can be very overwhelming for most of us and particularly for those suffering from issues like food and alcohol attachment.  I prefer the term attachment rather than addiction as I find it more accurately descriptive and less stigmatizing.

For those of us with attachment issues this time of year can be full of triggers.  Many who have these issues come from families where similar issues are present.  This is a time to recall all of those bad times we had with our families when we were children.  Perhaps dad was an over worker and wasn't around and mom was overwhelmed and unhappy to be alone with the children or worse.  Unhappy families have a much higher occurrence of all types of abuse.  These memories are likely to get triggered during the holidays. 



Keys to health during the holidays

Our health is not just about what we consume.  It is also about stress and our emotional and spiritual life.  If we are stressed we are much more likely to have trouble with food, alcohol and other triggers.  Our thinking needs to be watched and we need to take care not to fall for all the hype. 

Remember that the holidays are not every day from Thanksgiving until January 1.  If you are going to indulge keep it to 3 or 4 times not every day of that period.  Keep up with your healthy routine between the actual holidays.  Regular exercise, eating 6 small meals a day, and enough sleep are good guidelines to follow.  If you drink, remember that over drinking causes suffering for self and others so it really isn't all that much fun.  If you find that you cannot moderate drinking during the holidays get some help. 

Food Consumption

Most of us wake up on the holiday and starve until it is time to eat the holiday meal.  Then we gorge thinking that the starving justifies the gorging.  Try to eat regular healthy meals before the holiday meal and then watch portion sizes and enjoy every bite of delicious food.  Make your meal a meditation eating slowly and admiring the deliciousness of the food.  If you have food issues talk to your coach, counselor, or sponsor and commit ahead of time to what you intend to eat and how much.  In this way your can avoid guilt and can fully enjoy the food you are eating.  Make sure that you stay in touch with your coach so you can get back on track the next day.  Most food attachment issues involve guilt shame and secrecy which can lead to more eating.  Working with another brings everything into the light enabling more sanity where food is concerned.

Regarding food, most of us gain 1-2  lbs during the holidays....and those generally aren't healthy calories we are eating.  The problem is that those pounds tend to remain after the holidays are over.  So the cumulative effect can be very harmful over time.    http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/31/health/nutrition/31real.html?_r=0.  

Be willing to take the consequence of overindulgence if you lose control and report that to your coach as well.  We all make mistakes when it comes to food issues since we cannot abstain completely and we need to learn moderation. When we slip we admit it to ourselves and another, forgive ourselves and move on. 

Alcohol Consumption

The suggestions for food apply to alcohol consumption as well.  Use mindfulness with regard to alcohol and commit to yourself and another how much you intend to drink.  If you have an addiction and are abstaining it is best to avoid places where others over drink.  During the holidays Alcoholics Anonymous has sober get togethers for those who are uncomfortable with family or who have no family where you can be safe in a sober environment.  If you don't go to AA stick with people you are safe with and let them know that your desire is to stay sober.  Bring a bottle of sparkling fruit juice to drink or stick to soda water with lime if you feel you need a glass in your hand.  Often when you have a glass of something people will not pressure you to drink with them.  Others often don't understand sobriety and are uncomfortable with the concept if they are drinking, even when they don't have a problem.  If you have a glass of something in your hand they are less likely to take notice. 

Shopping, Spending and Gifts

This is an area where there is an abundance of pressure on the TV, radio, and everywhere you go.  Many are experiencing very tight budgets and buying gifts for others can mean not being able to afford gas for the car or food.  If this is the case it is a good idea to pick names with family so that only one gift needs to be purchased.  Another option is home made items such as hand done cards or other craft projects like ornaments.  Even if you have plenty of funds, try to keep the spending in check as the holidays are for togetherness primarily and it is important to be balanced in giving so as not to make others feel guilty. 

If you are a compulsive shopper it is very important to work with another around commitments as to how much you will be spending.  Don't shop alone.  Take a buddy with you to be a witness to your commitments.  Debtors anonymous is a wonderful program that gives specific help with budgeting and spending behaviors.  They can be found online as well as in person meetings.  http://www.debtorsanonymous.org/

Finding Ease within the Chaos of Family Time

If you come from a difficult family it is most important that you take care of yourself during the holidays.  Emotional pain around family issues is usually intensified over the holidays.  One of the hardest things to do is to detach from family when it is truly necessary during the holidays.  If you feel that you need to attend a family event, try to make it for a short period of time like just the meal rather than all day.  Have and obligation that can gracefully take you away especially if the disfunction worsens as the day goes on.  Above all take care of yourself with your family and friends.
 
Loneliness is  an issue for some who may not feel connected to anyone close by.  If this is the case there are always food banks that need volunteers and food buffets for the homeless that you can volunteer for.  Giving in this way can be very rewarding and stave off loneliness.

On the other hand you might be an introvert like me and feel quite uncomfortable at parties and get togethers that involve lots of small talk.  It is ok to avoid these as long as you make polite apologies and thank them for the invite.  All of my friends know that I am an introvert so they are not hurt when I don't accept these invitations.   

If you come from a healthy happy family spread the love and make sure you let each of them know how much you appreciate them. Gratitude for this kind of good fortune is a huge contributor to overall happiness.   Hugs are very healing and small kindnesses go such a long way.  Tell those you love that you love and appreciate them.  That can be the best gift of all. 

Until next time.....be well