TRAUMA PART 8..ROBIN...ITS NOT OK TO BE ME...

Robin is on the Autism spectrum as AUDHD, both high functioning Autistic and ADHD. He (pronoun given with permission) is a very bright talented software engineer in his mid 20's.  One of his gifts is musical talent.  He is an introvert who pushes himself too hard and neglects his need for solitude. He works a full time job and is in numerous bands.  Robin is an example of someone who is more susceptible to trauma as a result of his Autism.  We Autistics tend to be highly sensitive.  Many of us are fluid in our gender and our sexuality.  Robin's main difficulty is he uses masking as a coping mechanism to his own detriment. Most people on the Autism spectrum get traumatized by bullying, parental disproval, or shaming as a result of social awkwardness, gender fluidity, and or a general feeling of not fitting in with the neurotypical world.  The comorbities of Autism can be many such as, depression, anxiety, psychosis, overwhelm, eating disorders and other addictions.

Robin's childhood is not the worse I have seen but it certainly wasn't easy.  His mother is a christian nationalist and very manipulative.  She often "attacked from the victim" position and targeted Robin, one of her two children.  Since he was very young she was cruel to him, blaming him for all of her problems. Robins parents were divorced when he was 9 and she turned to alcohol which would make her even more histrionic and chaotic.  Her two children took on the responsibility of trying to keep her on an even keel.  This is how Robin became codependent.  

Robin's father is an intelligent, kind man who was also codependent to his wife while they were married.  He was the model for Robin's codependency while remaining very loving to his children.  As Robin entered his teen years he coped by becoming rebellious, angry and destructive.  He had been diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds which did not work for him at all which is typical of AUDHD.  He came out as trans to both parents in his teens and while his father accepted him his mother was furious and shaming of him.  He had a series of unhealthy painful relationships as a teen and took in all that hurt and confusion. He began to spend more and more time with his father as they had had a two week on two week off custody arrangement and eventually stayed with dad full time.   

With all of the abuse that Robin received from his mother, he still to this day remains loyal to her because ''she is his mother".  She has never visited him in the state he now lives in but he feels guilty for not wanting to visit her in her state.  He is torn between loving her and hating her.  This is difficult for us on the spectrum to process because those emotions don't fit nicely in a logical pattern.  Robin adores his father but really dislikes his stepmother.  He is ambivalent towards his mother but calls his macho step father a jerk and an idiot. 

Today Robin is dealing with a number if issues.  He has addiction to cigarettes, drugs, and to a lesser degree with food.  He has had suicidal ideation but never attempted.  He is a love addict who continues to be hurt in intimate relationships.  He hates his job but feels tied to his very generous salary.  He loves his music but is exhausted by all the road trips and practices.  He feels abandoned by his friends because they are all typical 20 somethings and he is smarter, kinder, and more emotional and sensitive than his guy friends.  We have been focusing on self care, limiting masking, self compassion and setting boundaries with others.  He is working on his tendency to avoid conflict with others as a form of masking.  (If you are curios about Autism I have a number of entries that deal with the subject as I am on the spectrum myself)

Robin is a very beautiful person inside and out.  He is dedicated to his work which consists of me both teaching him about self compassion while using myself as an example and modeling a compassionate mother role with him.  He is now taking the time for solitude so he can refuel.  We have begun to talk about him being his own inner parent and he is making progress while dealing with all the emotions that he has lifelong been attempting to mask or turn into rebelliousness.  He is a pleasure to work with and I have high hopes for him as he is beginning his work at such a young age.     

TRAUMA ON A MASS SCALE PART 7…COVID...AUTHORITARIANISM...EPSTEIN FILES

THE SLOW CREEP OF AUTHORITARIANISM

As a 75 year old I remember times that were comfortable and safe in the 50's and times that were crazy and horrible like the 60's and 70's with assassinations, the Viet Nam War, and Kent State.  During those crazy times most of us had been raised in comfortable homes where both parents who didn't need to work. As kids we played in the streets and had an intuitive sense of safety.  When the crazy started happening in the 60's we mobilized more than today because we were healthy and strong and had faith in ourselves.  

Today is a different story.  Here is a brief perspective.  Watergate happened in 1972.  I remember when Nixon started the privatization of health care.  That was the beginning of a slow accumulation of the degeneration of the "good old days" after FDR.  We were all like frogs in the heating up of water.  There were the John Birchers but they were marginalized.  Then came Reagan who was the anti government president. Then George Bush who cosigned president Reagan's policies. He was succeeded by bill Clinton who praised neoliberalism and capitulated to the republicans by continuing to see the profit motive of privatization.  There was a very slow erosion of FDR's policies even with our darling president Barack Obama who came out in the beginning as anti gay in order to get the votes needed.  He was a very eloquent charismatic Neoliberal who totally botched the housing crisis and gave money to the banks instead of the people who were threatened with foreclosure. This whole era was a very slow moving crisis which was exemplified by householders who had to work two jobs to survive and provide child care.  The safety of union involvement was severely degraded during this period.  Colleges became unaffordable for most.  When I graduated from CSULA in 1973 with a Masters degree I paid $152.00 per quarter.  Today's tuition is between $7000.00 and $20,000 per year depending on whether you are in state or out of state.  Down the street USC tuition is $72,000.  This is just one example of how trending neoliberalism has eroded our ability to feel safe and comfortable in the period from 1970 to 2020.  

After Trumps first presidency, he lost his 2nd term to Joe Biden.  Bernie Sanders had been in office of one kind or another since 1981.  His democratic socialist message has been consistent for all the years he has been in office.  He is an FDR progressive for the people.  I believe he could have won but he was replaced by the democratic establishment with Joe Biden who was marginally  a very good president and was in serious in decline.  His loss in 2024 marks the end of the slow deminishment  of FDR's policies.

With Trump's second term we are now frogs feeling the heat and pretty much close to boiling due to his open and very rapid dismantling of our government with the help of the authors of Project 2025.  We are scared and traumatized by what is going on and it will only get worse.  He has a very strident cult of followers responsible for about 30's of the vote, but who knows if we will even have a vote in the next election. 

Those who feel traumatized are tired and afraid and on the verge of just giving up.  We are hit with 24/7 frightening news and are tempted to put our collective heads in the sand, especially after experiencing COVID.

COVID

When COVID hit in the early months of 2020 life changed in the world.  Children were no longer going to school and in lock down, those who complied were at home working online or losing their jobs.  Life radically changed and for many this was a trauma.  Many children, especially teens and preteens suffered the most because these are the years when peer group is everything and children are beginning the process of separation from parents for the inevitable change of leaving home and finding their own way either in college or out in the work world.  Many children became depressed and became glued to their phones in an effort to have some connection with others.  

Adults, especially extroverted adults suffered just as much as they became more isolated and started watching the news where there were daily statistics of the number of dead and hospitalized for the illness.  Those who recovered often developed Long COVID which we still don't understand.  Vaccines were released and we sat in our cars in long lines to get our first shots of this new MRNA Vaccine.  The anti vaxers lead by RFK JR refused the vaccines as all kinds of propaganda appealed to the fear spread by propagandists.  Many of these people died or ended up in intensive care in hospitals.

First responders stayed on the job especially hospital workers.  They watched powerlessly as patients started dying and then their own colleagues got sick and died.  Mask wearing became controversial which only lead to more spread.  It took years for the pandemic to be called off in favor of the label endemic.  And still people are dying from the illness. 

We were all touched by the pandemic and were required to adjust while dealing with PTSD, long COVID, depressed children and teens, little ones who never knew anything different and an economy that was damaged by the lockdowns and the sickness.  Many of us are still recovering. 

EPSTEIN FILES

It is difficult to estimate the number of people sexually assaulted because over 50% never report.  Freud estimated the 70% of females of all ages experience sexual assault.  I don't think that number is that far off.  Males are not exempt from sexual assault as well.  

This new emergence of the Epstein Files are triggering for those who are involved but for those also who were ever sexually abused.  I find myself, a survivor, obsessed with the news and am exasperated by the lack of transparency of our government on all levels to release all the files even though the president has the power to release them.  The triggers can be subtle like mine or profound leading to fear and anxiety as well as depression and a tendency to self harm.  

THE DEGENERATE TIMES

In Buddhism these times we are living in are predicted in teachings to be the degenerate times when teaching about loving kindness, compassion, wisdom, and the interdependence of all things are needed.  As Tibet was taken over by the Chinese many Tibetan teachers were moving to the west to teach Buddhist Principles.  The Dalai Lama moved to India for refuge. These teachings are antidotes to the trauma experienced on a personal levels as well as the mass traumas above as well as the mass trauma of war and authoritarianism.

I contemplate impermanence every day with the faith that we can recover from all of this.  One of my favorite prayers that I recite every day is: (Please refer to part 3 in this series...The answers are in Buddhism)

May the terrible weapons of modern warfare-nuclear weapons, biological weapons and so forth that threaten to destroy the earth, and may all our ill fortune leading to great wars and armed conflict be utterly pacified.  May the world enjoy happiness similar to that of the golden age.

Another:

In all countries may disease, war and famine be pacified.  May all beings have bliss, happiness and engage in the Dharma.  

It is possible to recover from our traumas by developing a healthy relationship to them and by developing compassion to self as well as others. Working with a knowlegeable professional can be very helpful.  Community involvement also is a great reminder that we are all connected and interdependent.  Stress reduction, healthy sleep patterns, healthy diet, are also important.  Nothing is more important than being authentically who we are.

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

TRAUMA PART 6 JANE..."IT WASN'T THAT BAD”

Jane is a middle aged, fit, attractive woman, and a successful professional. She called me after deciding she was going to formally divorce her very abusive husband of 25 years who was also an addict and a charmer.  She was beginning to understand the level of trauma she had received from him and was wondering why she  stayed for so long with him.  When I hear statements like that I suspect that this was not the first ongoing trauma she had experienced.  I asked about her childhood and I was literally appalled.  

She lived in a very small home with a primarily single mom who allowed her two children, a boy and girl, to be in the home alone while she was obsessively dating a man who was abusive to the children.  The mother was highly manipulative and could never see her culpability in anything she had done.  She continues that behavior to a great degree to this day.  I would classify her as a narcissist who was so manipulative that both her children were severely damaged.  The brother of Jane was overtly abusive when they were alone while the mother was  busy dating.  The brother would beat her frequently  to the point where she felt very unsafe in her own home.  The brother later became mentally ill with schizoaffective bipolar disorder as well as a severe addiction to prescription medications and food.  He is very obese and has been abandoned by his ex-wife and both of his children, except for his mother and her subsequent enabling husband.  The mother and her husband are both packrats and have very delusional personalities as they both see themselves as wonderful individuals while they have no conscience and are in denial as to the truth of Jane and her brother. They are enmeshed and enable each other's delusions.   

Jane has scars to prove the beatings she received from her brother.  She went to a private school as a small child that was far from her home.  Her parents stopped taking her to school at 10 and she had to take a public bus to school in the huge metropolis where she lived.  She felt so unsafe especially when she went into adolescence that she would purposefully drool, cross her eyes and  hang her head down so as not to attract any of the creepy men traveling on this city bus.  As Jane shared this with me I was gobsmacked and could feel my chest tighten and the tears begin to fill my eyes.  I saw that Jane was so perfectly groomed by her abuse that when she experienced extreme abuse later in life she tolerated it because it was familiar to the abuse and neglect she received in childhood.  When I pointed this out to her, her response was, "it wasn't that bad".  That became her mantra until she realized the truth of how profound her abuse was.  

I think Jane was able to con herself into thinking this because she went to an expensive private school and was able to get so well educated and become a very successful professional in a relatively small city.  Along with her success was a tendency to faint when doing public speaking for her job to the point where she was provided with a stool to sit on so she wouldn't fall to the floor.  I was amazed to hear how she would  swat away my deep concern for her health and the possible connection to her abuse which gave rise to this heart problem causing her to faint when public speaking.   

In Jane's marriage she would endure what I would call torture in the form of demeaning her, locking her in closets, keeping her from leaving the house when he was drunk or wasted on drugs.  Once again she was living in an environment that was totally unsafe and unpredictable. Her husband would later be so remorseful and seem deeply ashamed by his behavior when he sobered up.  He was also successful with his own business and would seek out therapy and spout off to her all he had learned.  What he learned only enabled him to be more subtle and undermining of his abuse with Jane.  She excused his behavior by  rationalizing that he was a sick addict who just couldn't seem to have any desire to get sober. Jane even went to the extreme of buying her own house while continuing to stay in the marriage.  

Every trip they would go on she would forget that it would likely end in trauma and each traumatic event would only get worse. Eleven years before she divorced him, and one of the worst events where he was drunk and very abusive, she ran out of their hotel room and ran away to some other tourists to seek help and safety.  As she looked at the shock on my face while listening to this she would say, "but it wasn't really that bad".

We worked on her denial of her horrific family life to the point where she was more able to break the bonds of codependency to her mother and brother, (she had totally detached from her creepy father for the last 20 years before he died). Jane could always explain away her own denial of the abuse by having compassion after all they were her only family and her husband was a sick addict.  She had learned to totally neglect her own well being while devoting herself to her profession and to some wonderful women friends who were very safe and supportive of her without overly confronting her about her acquiescence  to her family and husband.  

Once fully divorced Jane relished her new single lifestyle and our work consisted of developing gratitude for the peace she had accomplished in her home and with her friends...but she began hating her work. We worked on changing her emphasis in her very successful profession to modifying her work to something she actually enjoyed that involved allowing herself to take more time off for enjoyment and to focus on aspects of her work that were funner for her and saying no to clients who she knew would trigger her other mantra, "try harder".  She learned to say no.  

When Jane began some very unsuccessful dating opportunities after a few years of single hood  she would berate herself with what is wrong with me when it didn't work out.  I encouraged her to ask rather  what didn't work for her with this or that particular man.  Jane is just beginning to have an awareness of self compassion to augment her dedicated work to heal her codependency.  Our sessions are filled with tears and a lot of laughter at some of the irony that she finds herself in.  I also have consistently shared examples of my own pitfalls in my relationships and my  work with my own inner child and developing self compassion while teaching it.

I have so much love and respect for Jane that I have faith in her ultimate healing in the forming of a healthy relationship to her trauma as she moves forward in her life either as a single woman or as someone who finds a partner who is safe, self aware and compassionate. 

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

 

PART 5 TRAUMA..RUBY...THE STRONG ONE

Ruby is an attractive very intelligent engaging woman in her late fifties.  I worked with Ruby briefly in the early 2000's.   At that time she was sober and working a 12 step program.  Within the last year she came back to me for further work.  She was working on what she called her issues with debauchery.  Her issues were now food addiction gambling, drinking and smoking cigarettes.  Her relapse was profound and causing her much distress.  She was able to give up alcohol and food addiction for a clean keto diet but her issues of gambling remained.  We discovered that part of the issue was an issue with her husband who was also debaucherous  with her. In other words he was her "lower companion".  Another stressor in the marriage was her husband was the exact opposite of her politically and he was a very devout catholic and she was more a metaphysical Christian.  

As we were dealing with her addictive issues and marriage issues, I asked about childhood trauma.  She indicated that she had dealt with that years back with another therapist.  She told me the story though.  Her father was clearly a malignant narcissist, alcoholic and sadist.  He would come into her room when she was just a little girl and would force her to drink alcohol until she would pass out.  She did not know if he sexually molested her and she was in a black out.  (I assumed that is exactly what happened as he had that reputation in the family and her older sister clearly remembered being sexually molested by him). He also tortured his children.  While napping he would approach Ruby with a stand up vacuum cleaner and suck her hair into the roller causing her considerate fear and pain.  This man later died by suicide to her great relief.  

I was curious to uncover the current patterns that dictated by this early abuse.  Ruby was groomed to tolerate a lot of abuse especially from intimate partners.  She had been married a few times and all of those marriages were terminated due to abuse or infidelity.  Her current husband is kind but very avoidant of conflict which renders him the weaker partner.  Ruby wears the pants in this relationship which is the inversion of the previous pattern of overt abuse.  Her current husband is passive aggressive rather than overt, the opposite side of the same coin.  If Ruby slips and gambles and smokes he  slips too. if Ruby abstained from both addictions so does he.  She easily takes on the mantle of aggressor and the partner who demands compliance in most areas of the marriage, except for his political views and religious convictions. 

As our work together progressed and a good bond was created, Ruby indicated that she was willing to look again at her trauma issues.  I was very gentle with her and showed her kindness and empathy as she shared how her past trauma mimicked much of the subsequent trauma.  We talked a lot about how she was groomed by her original trauma.  I suggested that she create her own room which was to be her sanctuary and she did.  We were just about ready to delve into inner child work at this writing.  As she read the previous parts of this trauma blog she indicated that she was learning more about self compassion and was willing to implement the work involved in achieving that.  

I feel honored to be Ruby's guide through some of the worst trauma I have ever heard.  My own motherly instincts guide me in helping her adopt a supportive loving inner mother for her wounded inner child.  She is now abstinent from alcohol, gambling, food addiction and smoking!  We continue our work together with loving kindness for each other.  

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

 

PART 4 HEALING TRAUMA AND HEALTH

We know that trauma has profound effects on both physical and emotional health.  I have outlined many of the emotional health manifestations in part one.  Unfortunately the medical and mental health community have ignored physical well being as if the brain is somehow separate from the body.  It is so important to bring help and healing to the whole person while working with the effects of trauma.  When we look at mental health problems they are very often accompanied by metabolic health problems such as type 2 diabetes, obesity, heart disease and and auto-immune issues and of course all kinds of addictions.  

Life style is the key to enhancing health and happiness.  Once we do our trauma work and have begun to function with some hope for happiness and are able to embrace our trauma as a part of out history which has launched the ability to function from the perspective of deep self compassion and wisdom, we are much more able to treat our physical selves with kindness and healing as well.  My focus in this part 4 is precisely those aspects of life style.

Nutrition 

One of the primary attempts to self sooth when restimulation of trauma arises is use of food.  Binging on a favorite junk food like ice cream (mother's milk), chips, baked goods like cookies, cake and bread are the usual suspects.  I used to alternate sweet, then salty, and back as my binge favorite especially when high on weed.  The effect of these favorites including alcohol and drugs is to dampen the feelings associated with trauma.  It is an attempt to re-regulate our nervous system by aversion of having those emotions.  The willingness to give up these substances (I hesitate to call them nutrition) is very hard to break.  We are like little ones who cling to our blanket in order to feel a fleeting sense of safety which eventually become the source of guilt, remorse and self hatred.  Self hatred erases the work of self compassion.  

If you decide to clean up your nutrition act, it is important to go thru a period of withdrawal, both emotional and physical and to find other self soothing stimulations which are healthy and effective.  Believe me it is so worth it in the end once the feeling of physical well being is enhanced.  

So let's talk about nutrition.  Every person is different and requires different levels of macro nutrition.  The first thing to do is to simply eliminate all packaged junk food.  This will cut down on your consumption of sugar and processed carbs.  If you find yourself feeling substantially better, then this is your food plan....no junk food.  But if you suffer from any metabolic disorders you may need to go further.  When I reduced my carb intake with the ketogenic diet which stresses moderate protein, high fat and no more than 20 net carbs, my Autism comorbities resolved.  No more depression and anxiety.  My energy increased and the clarity of mind was amazing.  My moods were stable and I felt blessed from eating this way.  I still had my favorites like low carb Magic Spoon cereal and homemade keto bread which tugged at my cravings but even those were muted by the extreme reduction of carbs.  I was in mild ketosis but my yearly blood work always showed that I had "mild pre diabetes".  All my research showed me that I needed to go further to resolve the elevated blood glucose and insulin resistance (hyper insulinemia). So I further restricted my macros to animal protein and lots of yummy animal fat and essentially no carbs or fiber.  For me this was transformational.  All cravings were gone.  Hunger was suppressed  to the point that I started eating 2 meals per day within a 6 hour window.  Food was relegated to fuel for health rather than a quick easy fix to regulate my emotional pain.  My blood glucose went from 108 to 76 and my fasting insulin went from 5.8 to 2.5.  I no longer had pre diabetes.  I even found out that my atherosclerosis in my heart and aorta was extremely low.  

So the type of nutrition you eat should be defined by the level of metabolic health you desire.  Eating whole one ingredient food is key.  It can be vegetarian, mediteratian, keto or carnivore.  Regular blood work is very helpful but it is important to remember that the numbers represented are averages of mostly those who eat the very unhealthy standard American diet which has inflated out rates of obesity, diabetes, and heart disease.  I am 75 and take no prescriptions only supplements like magnesium, D3/K2, vitamin C to reduce bruising and lots of salt and electrolytes.  

Exercise

Regular exercise keeps us healthy and strong. Resistance training (lifting heavy things) brisk walking, yoga, sports, HIIT, are all good choices.  I swim laps in the pool 6 days per week.  I love being in the water and the meditative effect of patterned breathing. Do what you enjoy in order to be committed to exercise in the long run.  

Spiritual connection

Your spiritual connection is also very individual.  Whatever form you choose, it should meet your needs and resonate with you.  Think in terms of not needing to change much to fit in rather than trying to change yourself in order to fit in.  This goes for atheists and agnostics as well.  Choosing ethical conduct and kindness and meditation is a fine choice especially if it enhances your self compassion work.  I chose Tibetan Buddhism and I practice every day and lead a little Sangha practice group which I sincerely enjoy. 

Good sleep 

Healthy nutrition enhances good sleep.  Try to get 8 hours.  Many of us post menopausal women have broken sleep.  I have found this to not be a problem.  I get up to pee a couple times and even watch a fun show, then go back to sleep.  I am an extreme lark so I am asleep by five and up by 1 or 2 am.  It is now 2:34 am. This is my favorite most productive time of the day.  I swim at 5 am and enjoy the empty gym.  Whether you are a lark or an owl my opinion is that we do better if we can set up our lives so that we can honor our natural biorhythms.  I don't understand the necessity of molding ourselves to the cultural norms although not all of us can honor our biorhythms out of financial necessity.

Social Network

Having healthy satisfying connection with others is key to general health.  Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert will define the types of connections you have.  I live with my immediate family and connect with them every day.  I have a few friends which I treasure but am not fully engaged with.  Once a week is enough for me.  My main social connections are my clients I meet with and love dearly. As an introvert that is enough for me and makes me very happy.  Extroverts get regulated by being engaged in activities with others, introverts get regulated by being alone. Choose your social live accordingly.  

My next part will present a few case studies who I am currently working with.  These will be anonymous in order to protect their privacy.  They have all consented and will reflect the amount of work and healing that has currently been achieved.  All will have read their pieces and approved before publishing.   

Until then

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

PART 3 HELP AND HEALING COMES FROM BUDDHISM

I am listening to a book called Outshining Trauma.  Ralph De La Rosa speaks to me so deeply.  As a Buddhist practitioner I believe that the principles we learn and revere can not only heal trauma but can promote true happiness and even help with the attainment of unceasing wisdom and compassion.  

Compassion is the key.  One of my great pleasures in life is reading a list of people who are currently suffering.  Reading their names out loud make me feel love for myself as an opening of my heart and love for them as I think of them throughout the day.  

Trauma does not go away.  It ebbs and flows based on our experiences in life.  In order to heal from trauma I encourage and have achieved a relationship with it.  First we embrace whatever happened to us whether it was losing a home from a tornado(PTSD), COVID, or repeated abuse and neglect in our family culture(COMPLEX PTSD). We send love and compassion to ourselves as the person who is experiencing the trigger which is disregulating to the point that we can enter fight or flight behavior. 

 In the nineties inner child work was the rage.  It seemed hokey and I attended meetings where people were holding teddy bears or dolls representing their inner child.  I benefitted greatly by looking at a picture of my sad little self at 3 when the abuse started and deciding that I would be her protector.  This is how you develop self compassion.  It is amazing how many of my clients who are able to detach from their own traumatic experiences by rationalizing excuses for the one who targeted them but find it so hard to send love to the being who was so deeply affected by the abuser.  Being able to develop self compassion takes practice.  

Mindfulness and a searching and fearless inventory   

Primary tenants of Buddhism are to be authentic and true to who we are.  Once we have been traumatized much of our identity gets hidden due to shame, anger, guilt and we pretend or mask to seem well adjusted or just ok.  This makes getting reactivated from a trigger so much more possible.  I take many of my clients through an inventory that asks probing questions about childhood adolescence and adulthood.  It is pretty exhaustive.  Their answers culminate in developing patterns of character strengths as well as character flaws.  They come to know who they are, what their triggers are and the patterns that set them up for increased suffering.  This process activates authenticity.

Mindfulness is a teaching that asks us to be an observer of our own mind and to point out to ourselves where we are engaging in delusional thinking.  What is most important about mindfulness is to be able to send love and compassion to our delusional thinking which makes it possible to train our minds to the truth that we know in our hearts....that we have our own pure wisdom and compassion within us and that to be born human, past karma puts obstacles and obscurations in our way of this true nature of our own mind.  When we accept this we are then capable of transforming our own mind which sets the scene for true healing of trauma.  

A helpful tool is to embrace our hurt little child in the loving arms of your own inner parent.  This part of us exists to sooth our pain and open ourselves up to the truth who we are and that we deserve- compassion from self and others.  We develop a relationship with our trauma and love it back to health.  I tell my clients who bathe themselves in guilt and shame for what they have been through that if they keep that up Ill need to call child protective services on them because we don't treat children that way.  They usually get it instantly and we laugh together.  One of my clients who went through horrific trauma in childhood is stuck with an inner mantra which says, "it wasn't that bad".  When she is able to release the mantra and claim it to be delusional, her work will then be able to gain insight and the ability to truly heal.  

With practice we get better at mindfulness and authenticity and we come to ask ourselves important questions like "am I unnecessarily beating up myself internally" and "could I be taking better care of myself by setting boundaries with others and myself with compassion?"  "Am I in a relationship that is a trauma bond". Just being able to ask this question of ourselves is the path to great awareness and gradually the ability to structure our lives that enable us to be happy and productive rather than trying to fit into a norm by masking and pretending that we are "OK" which only makes our suffering worse.  We are OK only when we are able be our true self.  This is why as a coach I am very much an open book and am happy to share the path that got me here and the mistakes I make every day.  It is important to embrace imperfection as a being in the human realm.  It is part of the deal.  We embrace this with love but don't make it a justification for our less than enlightened  behavior. And we press on and practice and grow by increments.  

Support for this process is essential, whether it is with a therapist, coach, support group or fellow survivor who is on the healing path.  We cannot do this alone.  Our trauma is a part of our history.  With mindful awareness when we get reactivated by a present experience and can name it as a trigger and then re regulate through meditation, a phone call to a friend, a call to our coach, a call to our own inner loving parent or even a YouTube video that is soothing and we are right back in healing mode. In this sense we are developing a healthy relationship to our own trauma.  We embrace the fact that all emotions are fleeting, impermanent and will pass.  We are now in this moment to be happy and productive humans.  We are enabled to be IN the present moment which hold the full potential  for health happiness and the ability to pass on our healing to others who suffer.  

In the next part I will talking more about health.  For now:

Much love and be well,

Michele Happe MA mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507

Search for my Metabolic Mind Page and  my Psychology Today page

Comments are welcomed 

TRAUMA PART 2.....THE SUSCEPTIBLE

Trauma yields different reactions based on who receives it.  I had a client years ago who was nightly molested by her step father who suffered greatly with food issues, anxiety, and depression.  She was activated and disregulated perpetually.  She walked through life like a deer in the headlights.  Her step sister on the other hand was approached by the step father and she fought him and told him to "get the fuck out of her room"!.  She had no trauma reaction. He never approached her again.   She was a tough cookie and her sister was introverted and very sensitive.

So now a little about me.  I am a trauma survivor.  It started with my dad who was sexually inappropriate with me since I was 3.  His behavior was mostly covert.  I remember being in fear and loathing around him and literally clung to my mother.  When I was old enough to spend the night at a friends, I would always end up needing to call my mom because of extreme stomach upset.  In college I started having panic attacks and anxiety all the time.  I was a chubby kid and began lots of crazy dieting starting with diet pills....with my dad.  He always said we were cut from the same cloth.  I didn't realize how profound that statement was until my 60's when I realized I was on the autism spectrum.  At that time I realized he was too.  He was a brilliant materials engineer and accomplished trumpet player with many hobbies and special interests.  As I was saying before, when college started I became anorexic and self harming.  I lived with suicidal ideation which haunted me and terrified my boyfriend at the time who would hold my passenger door closed while driving when I threatened to jump out of our VW Bus. 

Through all of this trauma reaction I was a great student and found solace by going to school, learning and studying.  It was the greatest distraction.  While I was a student there I became a geology tutor where I got my thirst for teaching.  The lab was the place where I felt most comfortable. I was a very good geek!! I had my Masters in Psychology at 23 and got a gig student teaching at my own community college in my home town.   I taught at that community college for a few years and when the bottom dropped out in education in the 70's I started my own business in advertising, representing commercial artists.  I had realized I preferred self employment even though I know that job wasn't for me.  After being a drug and alcohol counselor intern I got hired as a director of an eating disorder unit at a mental hospital.  I loved the job of supervising counselors and doing educational outreach but I hated working in that environment.  I felt the place was a "snake pit". My anxiety blossomed and I walked off that job, applied for disability and got on Prozac which I called "club med".  That was when I started a private practice in the early 90's and where I continue to work with clients as a life style and recovery coach until the present.  Oh and by the way I got sober, dealt with my eating disorders, codependency and got into therapy.  No one ever diagnosed my Level 1 autism until I diagnosed myself in my 60's. 

My own case history reveals how trauma affects the susceptible.  My autism was my susceptibility and my gift.  Level 1 Autism is a remarkable tribe.  We are often introverted, highly sensitive, easily hurt and disregulated, highly intelligent and talented in many areas where we have special interests. Mine are currently digital painting and learning everything I can about metabolism and therapeutic ketosis.  My work is my social life.  This is true for many of us on the spectrum.  But not everyone with deep sensitivities are on the spectrum.  Some of us are just born with the tendency for fear and anxiety, and are more likely to be damaged by trauma.  Men and women might react differently, but both can fall victimized by trauma.  

The reason I suspect trauma damage is when I see the symptoms outlined in part 1.  Those symptoms are usually an attempt to deal with trauma damage.  In the language of autism, they are stimming attempts to help regulate the system whether it is throwing up a meal, cutting, or becoming a powerful politician who is dominated by the need for success, power and retribution.  The reactions to trauma are varied and complex, but treatment is generally the same.  I believe that we need to develop a compassionate relationship with our own trauma and learn helpful and healthy ways to re regulate ourselves when we are triggered into disregulation. 

In part 3 I will share more about treatment and share some case histories with you, so stay tuned.

Until then, be well

Michele

mhappenow.happe@gmail.com  775 230-1507